All Entries in the "Hard News" Category

Par-3 golf in Rio Negro, Colombia

When you stay at the beautifully landscaped Hotel Isak in Rio Negro (above Medellin and near the international airport) you can play the par-3 golf course located behind the place. Rates start at $35 for the hotek room and $5 for golf. It was chilly today (December 15) with temperatures plummeting to the high 60s.

Learn while you drive

Special from the Juneau What

Next time you take a drive why not learn a little something and perhaps even graduate from college!

That’s the hope of Dr. Clara Mascara, who along with an esteemed panel of educators (or people who look like them) has established Billboard University.

B.U. actually consists of a network of thousands of billboards all across the country, each with an educational factoid. Even a short drive (minimum three miles) can earn an eighth of a college credit, while a cross country trek might qualify an attentive driver for a PhD.

Testing will be conducted in one of hundreds of combination testing facility/burger joint/coffee shops along major arteries. B.U. has contracts with everyone from your favorite fast food chain to that sleazy gas station on the corner with the dirty bathrooms.

     Sadly, this offer is not valid in Alaska (where this story has originated) due to laws prohibiting billboards in the North Country. Persons living there who want to learn can call The Juneau What to arrange times on their daily shuttle to the Lower 48. Sorry…No seniors.

-Pepper Salte

Los huesos antiguos no son lo que parecen

(Gunnison) Lo que al principio parecían ser los huesos de un guerrero Anasazi, resultó ser nada más que galletas petrificadas y salsa según los arqueólogos aquí. La excavación, centrada en un acre ahora prohibido del W Mountain Complex, continuará durante otros cinco años con la esperanza de descubrir más.

Los científicos, que han estado extrayendo cuidadosamente las piezas del rompecabezas del suelo rocoso de arriba, no se vieron frustrados por los hallazgos del laboratorio.

“Nos hemos acostumbrado a las frustraciones aquí en el campo”, dijo un excavador. “¿Por qué el año pasado en Delta pensamos que habíamos exhumado una antigua planta de conservas Ute, pero resultó ser un Plymouth de 1947 abandonado?”.

Fuentes de la Western State University insisten en que la excavación continúe y agregan que los artefactos dan crédito a las teorías de que los anasazi no podían manipular los niveles de colesterol y que, en resumen, generalmente comían todo lo que se cruzaba en su camino y algo que no.

 Aunque la calidad y el sabor de las galletas y la salsa no se conocerán hasta que se complete el informe del laboratorio, aquí se conjetura que los Antiguos hicieron sus propias galletas de suero de leche y prepararon una especie de salsa de raíces, leche de búfalo y los excesos de ahumado. embutido.

“Qué primitivo”, dijo un arqueólogo.

Después de un examen primario, el contenido de la salsa parece coincidir con la consistencia de un mortero de trinchera favorito utilizado para construir el Cliff Palace en Mesa Verde. Esta teoría también será objeto del informe de laboratorio.

“Una dieta regular como esta puede llevarnos a respuestas que nos han eludido en el pasado”, dijo un científico, “y determinar de una vez por todas la desaparición real de toda una civilización”.

Se pide a los turistas que se mantengan alejados del sitio de excavación hasta alrededor de 2040.

– Melvin Bedwetter O’Toole

Rock Soup

I hate work. I love play. Give me money. Bert, Blind Box 75, Mañana West.

Hunters discovering marijuana plants in the Edith Bunker National Forest are asked to keep it to themselves. Look for the Union Label and thanks a heap! Western Colorado Hemp Producers Union #299.

1000 Hunting camp recipes from Guinness Stout, recycled ground venison and powdered ketchup substitute. Send $15 to San Juan Horseshoe, Box 913, Montrose, CO 81402. Do it before January 1, 2000 and we’ll throw in a year’s subscription to Bon Apartheid Magazine.

Win Catsup for life! Dial8 and hold it.

Get on the right side of the bun with flame-changing cheeseburger futures. Frankfurter investments, Wimpton Plaza. 

Can’t get enough beef? Try Mel’s Steak Flavored Chewing Gum. An impressive dining extension for the carnivore and the perfect gift for the vegetarian who misses the taste of a juicy rib-eye. Low in cholesterol…high in fiber! Now available in bulk in your grocer’s freezer. Buy enough for the whole year while the price is right.

Career Opportunity! Man needed to deliver small packages in Sapinero. Full time position. Nothing larger than your head. Tanya’s Trucking, behind the billboard. No Irish.

Well-groomed Picador needed for afternoon work. No Moors. San Miguel Tavern, Cordoba, Andalusia.  

Kama Sutra Bottle/Can Opener. Over 1000 positions guaranteed. $39.95 postpaid. Blind boxer 4.

Known Terrorist Trading Cards. All of your favorite Jihad pals plus an assortment of Oil Company Executives, Emirs, Presidents and Corporate Collaborators. View our most recent assortment where you buy Mel’s Steak-Flavored Chewing Gum.

Tablecloth for sale. Used only once during entire Spanish Civil War. $300 obo. Fran Franco, Canary Islands.

Kids! Turn in your parents and win a free trip to Disney World. You’ll fly via DARE AIRLINES to sunny Florida and spend three glorious days riding all the rides, playing war video games, eating burgers and fries, drinking all the pop you want and attending light indoctrination seminars put on by police cadets your very own age. Won’t that be awesome! Just call your local police department and report your parents for any infraction from the ever-growing list of new laws made for your safety and our protection. Sorry: We no longer honor the popular Turn In Your Parrots Program in Sectors 45 and 46.

Non-alcoholic martinis! Too true to be good? Call 5 and hold it.

Donate your old teeth and gain lucrative tax enhancement. Impacted molars, lost fillings, dentures recycled free. Rutte’s Canal, Almont Triangle.

Don’t wait! Reserve a Memorial Barstool today! Donate that special spot to a special friend. Stools are going fast. Silver plaque with name of deceased, announcements, short ceremony and one round included in purchase price. Pyres and personalized ash trays slightly extra. Free estimates too. Testosterone Brothers Funeral Accessories and Diversions, Sawpit. For eternal plotting please call our real estate division in Kabul.

Catch a ride on a tumbleweed! Freshly netted specimens to fit every diet or masterplan. Will also buy water rights all over the West so as to float loans on subdivisions. Oil and Tobacco Ltd., Wink, Texas.

Have those greedy men in vests and cigars shipped your job to a Third World country? Don’t despair…We will regroove you to fill an exciting position in the fast food industry. Some management positions exist for the spunky. Call Lame Duck Training Films, Watergate Apartments, Warshington, USSA.

Vagabond trees wanted for Blue Mesa landscaping experiment. Must be mobile and free to work weekends. Put some roots down. Good pay, regular watering and benefits package. Send resume to Suzie Compost, 2986 Fertilizer Square, Vulcan, CO.

Yard Sale: Bamboo cereal bowls, living lunch meat, propane mole protectors, uneaten airline food, complete collection of Afghani rap music, gallons of unused IRS repellent, bait. No sales before 2 am. Manana Roundabout.

Desperately searching for the heart of the Republican Party in Western Colorado. Will settle for any indication of same. Impossible? Dial 5. Note: We found the heart of the Democratic Party and it is yet to beat. You too can help put livestock in the White House in 2001. Paid for by Rastafarians for Mondale, 23456 Anarchist Bench, Manana Rendering Complex.

NOTICE TO ADVERTISERS: As of June the San Juan Horseshoe will no longer recognize excuses such as “The cat missed the box” and “My grandmother died and was buried with the checkbook” as accepted exemptions for not purchasing display advertising. Furthermore we in no way condone, forgive, pardon or exonerate individuals who fail to embrace the merits of scopic expenditures in this vein. Please be prepared for our representatives who will be visiting your domain in the immediate future. Our marketing experts are available 24 hours per day: sanjuanhorseshoe@montrose.net. Consultations include a full Irish breakfast.

Franz Klammer Lodge seeks double/twin. We need a person or persons who seriously resemble Franz for promotionals, personal appearances, stunts. If you think you qualify send photo and brief resume to Franz Klammer Lodge, Telluride. No drug store skiers need apply. 

Land on the Moon! 40 and 80 acre tracts. You saw what happened to Western Colorado. Invest today. Catastrophe Realty, Wimpton.

Kenya Tango? Summer classes now forming. 2988 Indian Massacre Highway next to Khadafy’s Karaoke. Wimpton. No Irish.  

Are National Forests Communist? Send me $5 and I’ll give you all of the predictable capitalist jargon. Charley Horse, Cimarron.

For sale: Lemon street sweeper. Effective on citrus dust and palm droppings. Needs hydraulic pump and an oil change. Should last 100 years. $25,000. City of Ouray.

Persons caught throwing debris in an around the Edith Bunker National Forest and the Petrified Tourist Greenbelt will be excluded from all Fourth of July celebrations. – The Three Bruins

May is National Make Your Bed Month. Get to it.

DeLila McQueen: Hobnobbing is far better than you think. Remember last year when you saved your heart from the compost heap, your soul from dandelion fluff only to be imprisoned in a cask of French Champagne? Willow Swamps Willy.

Jesus is your answer! Jesus Romero Landscaping, Lawn Care and Pool Maintenance. In the Jello Pages.

Unemployed Census Workers. We have challenging positions counting lichen at Baffin Bay, the Beaufort Sea and in summer resorts along the Dew Line. Must be compatible with polar bear and tundra. Send resume to Polly Pureheart, Bureau of Census and Sensibilities, Ottawa. 

The Cal Polygamy Mobile Culture Wagon is presenting its continuing corpse on Prehysteric America to all recovering teachers in June at Oxford-On-Tomichi campus. College accreditation to the first 50 applicants. Send transcripts to Free Range Education, W Mountain.

To the man who shoves pigeons down the front of his trousers in downtown Cork: You can keep my cigarette lighter. Mr. Murphy.

Bible quotes for any occasion, computer virus cures on the spot, mustache trimming, catering. Rev Phillip Pharisee, Montrose.

Flea Market seeks host/carry-out for summer. Parasite and drug free. Home of the Blues. No Irish.

Self-Guided tours of the San Juans, Elks, West Elks. $250. Belle Toole Ventures, Box 1209, Ouray. $300 with 2-martini sack lunch and hot springs tour. Blonded.

Chattered of late…

“All this top secret nonsense! So what if an outgoing President want to hang on to a few keepsakes even if they are sensitive militarily you know storage of nukes, troop movements, computer codes and passwords. What is the problem? The Dems just want to discredit our wonderful, terrific Donald and maybe Lindsey, Rudy, Greg, Ted, Steve and Jared down with him. But what of Marjorie and our little pawn, Lauren. Those bad old communist liberals are circling…Another witch-hunt targeting the good Christian white folks that make our nation the best in the world.”

– overheard in entirety at a recent GOP gathering, Maybelle, Colorado

“The king is dead! Long live the king!”  – Medieval satire that often resulted in stark drawing and quartering if one was a peasant with a big mouth. – see Fun with Feudalism

Voter Denial Season Starts Thursday

(Miami UPS) It’s been many moons since the Inaugural Ball and just about time for citizens who voted in the 2020 election to disclaim allegiances and dogged support of one candidate or the other.

Although official denial applications will not be collected until mid-October many from the johnny-on-the-spot electorate are wasting no time placing bids and repudiating voter behaviorisms.

Understandably the 2024 Presidential election is expected to get the most attention, especially considering the questionable antics within both major parties. However, over the past few decades ballot casters have made a point of denying November behavior in voting for senators and congressmen on the national and state levels. Some even flat out lie about the choices they may have made on election day.

“The honeymoon is over,” said Dr. Beatrice Minimonster, BGD, LSMFT, a fellow at Cal Polygamy Institute of Gov’ment here. 

“Secret ballots are great since nobody but the voter himself knows how the punch card was completed. It allows registered voters to make a decision and then deny it later. It’s just another reflection on society as a hole.”

Minimonster added that many voters have already forgotten who they voted for back in November and they would probably not be participating in the mass denial. Others actually believed what the candidates were saying and thus forfeit all rights to denial.

“These poor souls deserve the kind of 3.2, lukewarm, limited-participation democracy that we now have in this country,” she continued.

Voters who plan to take part in the festivities are reminded that if they, for example, deny voting for Donald Trump common consensus suggests they voted for Joe Biden and visa versa. 

“At this late date nobody is going to believe that anyone actually pulled the lever for  Barry Goldwater, Ralph Nader, Hunter Thompson, Hillary Clinton, Adolf Hitler or Mickey Mouse for that matter.”

– Kashmir Horseshoe

“Loose lips sink tips.” – traditional restaurant saying, Ouray