All Entries in the "Hard News" Category

Raiders’ fans dress for Halloween?

Las Vegas dressers don more respectable attire for Halloween. Are they wrapped funny?

Matamoscas digital descontado por juez

(Crested Butte) Un juez de circuito rechazó aquí las afirmaciones de un antiguo periódico local de que todavía puede ser eficaz en la ejecución de moscas molestas. El magistrado presidente, citando el hecho de que el periódico ahora es un sitio web y, por lo tanto, no tiene una relación de impacto o torque, dictaminó que una computadora es incapaz de aplastar moscas con éxito.

Luego concluyó que sanjuanhorseshoe.com podría ser procesado por fraude porque insistió en que podía aplastar moscas con la letalidad y regularidad del periódico anterior.

Pero en lugar de continuar con la condena por fraude, la jueza Heather Barley declaró un juicio nulo ya que no se pudieron reunir suficientes moscas para realizar una prueba de fuego válida.

“Hace demasiado frío para que haya suficientes de ellos ahora”, dijo. “Tendremos que esperar hasta que llegue la nueva cosecha en junio para registrar datos sostenibles”.

Mientras tanto, los misterios del ciberespacio quedan fuera de juego.

A pesar de lo que muchos ven como un respiro temporal, un número creciente de lectores ha expresado su frustración por estas escandalosas afirmaciones y directivas. Sentirse engañados o crédulos después de constantes intentos de matar moscas por ósmosis o magia gravitatoria implícita los ha dejado con ganas.

“Me quedo con la versión impresa”, dijo un fanático del periódico desde hace mucho tiempo. “Simplemente lo leo una y otra vez y luego empiezo de nuevo a principios de mes. El papel no vale mucho, pero no tengo malditas moscas. Me encanta ver a esos boobs aficionado a la tecnología envolviendo sus cabezas alrededor de una pila de pescado y papas fritas empapados… mientras equilibran su dispositivo GPS en sus regazos”.

-Fred Zeppelin

Autumn Majesty near Ohio Pass

Castle Mountain sees its first snow of the season

DOW Nailed in Hibernation Conspiracy

(Gunnison) Rogue elements of the Colorado Division of Wildlife have been charged in connection with an alleged plot to drastically change animal behavior in the state. According to an ongoing investigation, several DOW officers have actively engaged in bullying, sleep deprivation techniques, antler boarding  and brainwashing in an attempt to convince deer and elk to hibernate or at least “make themselves scarce during the long winter months.

The unnamed suspects were reportedly put on work release with pay as of Friday.

Only last week officials within the squeaky clean organization stumbled across reeducation camps in San Juan and Ouray Counties and a large mass meeting site here, just north of town. Upon entering the camps DOW bosses expressed shock and dismay at radical methods employed such as forced tagging operations, constant bombardment by bad country music, harassment by aircraft and the separation of fawns from their mothers. The general living conditions were described as “deplorable”.

“They kept up the propaganda assault for the entire time we were there,” said Roxanne Rabbit, a high ranking official within the agency. “They tagged the entire herd and almost tagged me too and, to add insult to injury the animals were fed nothing but hay and water and were housed outside with no blankets with only small clusters of aspen trees for protection against the elements.”

Rumors circulating this camp suggest the employment of scare tactics such as the introduction of predators and broadcasts of weaponry discharging. The animals are in fragile shape according to another officer.

“While the concept of hibernation is not unlawful or immoral the deployment of such ruthless tactics shows a disdain for the beasts,” said the clearly shaken source.

Nothing in DOW regulations calls for, encourages or condones instructing mammals to abandon ancient instinctual patterns indigenous to a particular species.

“We don’t want the bear running around howling like coyotes or the badgers crashing skulls like Dahl sheep,” said Rabbit. “We have enough chaos in the forests with people all over the place without tainting our four-legged wards. I say leave them alone. Let the wolves be the wolves and the elk be the elk!”

As most readers already realize, fur-bearing animals hibernate during winter months while herd animals stay awake so as to eat sagebrush, be attacked by hungry mountain lions and run in front of vehicles during the colder months. 

“The deer and elk don’t need that much sleep and the entire program is a misuse of public funds,” said Rabbit. “One mounting concern has us focused on a shortage of caves. Where are they supposed to rut? What if they oversleep and miss the spring migration?”

Rabbit added that the deer and elk cannot possibly put on enough weight to subsist through the winter without a snack or two. 

“Even if they ate from non-stop from now until December they wouldn’t have much in reserve. They are far too hypersensitive and anxious,” she explained. “Sure, it might be a relief for us if we knew for sure that the deer and elk were fast asleep in their beds all winter but that just wouldn’t be natural. This whole seasonal progression was well entrenched before we took over. Before you know it these madmen  will be calling for trout to fly and eagles to play the flute.”

– Lawrence Elk

“I make used to make five bucks an hour working with emotionally disturbed children  while some other guy was knocking down three million for scooping up grounders and throwing them to first base.” – Melvin Toole, on the subject of baseball strikes and investment portfolios

STREETS NAMED FOR TERRORISTS NIXED BY VOTE

(Wimpton) Voters here have come out 3 to 1 on the question of whether a local developer can name streets in his subdivision after known terrorists. In a special referendum held here prior to the general vote, 80% voted against the idea.

The creators of Trepidation Terrace, a gated community at 3388227755 1/2 Road, had already engaged in the questionable labeling when several nearby neighbors became alarmed. Soon petitions flowed like irrigation water. 

Sources at Catastrophe Realty say they wanted to name the first three streets after Arab terrorists like that Aba Dalla fellow from the Taliban and some of the better known jihad all-stars from Algeria. Terrorists linked to the World Trade Center bombing would be featured on the streets while suspects in the US Embassy explosion in Kenya would be noted on the avenues.

Determining the birth names of many of the terror luminaries was difficult since they don’t generally wear name tags on the job. 

“They tend to operate incognito,” said the neighbor.     

 The second grid would feature the names of gestapo officers which, due to the fascist obsession with record keeping, was an easier task.

“The third tier would be reserved to honor of political dragoons here in the USA,” said one concerned citizen who operates a holistic sugar beet farm across the highway from the project. The entire subdivision resembles the Oklahoma City federal building anyway. They had already set up the signs and were waiting for the cement to dry.”

When it became apparent that the subdivision would run short of appropriate terrorists the developers added tyrants like Joseph Stalin, Pol Pot and Augusto Pinochet. 

“Imagine,” he mused, “living on a nice quiet, sapling-lined avenue named Gang of Four Lane or Hitler Court. What would one tell the kids?”

Despite the controversy over 300 fast food concerns have expressed interest in building outlets in and around the Trepidation tract. Knowing that memories are short and that working families no longer sit down for meals together the grease vultures figured to make a killing there.

A spokesman for the US Civil Liabilities Union announced plans to investigate the entire matter to determine if the civil rights of the terrorists had been violated. 

Next time: For decades local farmers grew Molotov cocktails the size of bowling balls on the fertile crescent which has now been paved. – Kashmir Horseshoe 

“Incompetence is its own reward.” – Special Envoy Brian Hook, who has had the Iranian Portfolio since 2018

Bad Writers Thriving on Mindless Internet

Sadly, sparse conditions remain at an unidentified tropical writer’s detention camp somewhere in South America. Despite expended markets on the internet these scribes often cannot make ends meet. They generally end up in places like this awaiting traial or sentencing. Most are forgotten.