Elf Profiling Nets Viagra Bust

Special to the Ridgway Demon Press

(Christmas Island—December 12, 2014) Police here have arrested a dozen elves charging them with smuggling. The contraband, three kilos of viagra, was discovered during a routine stop. The elves say they were victims of profiling. The cops say their brake lights were out. 

Distrust of strangers has always been part of the local culture here, especially on December 26 when the island is deluged with Christmas refugees like elves and reindeer.

We don’t know what will happen to the elves and frankly could give a damn. It was the headline that had potential.

EDITORIAL

(Montrose, CO—December 20, 2022)

If Santa intends to maintain his position of grandeur during the holidays, he must control his entourage. Every year good citizens are subjected to foul language, brawling and petty theft. Last December our proof reader observed three elves taking a piroutte leaks off the roof of our solar-powered newsroom.

Now, as many of you are aware, there is a big debate about elves in prison. Liberals whine saying the proportions indicate disparity of economic opportunity. Crap. 

The last thing we need to go with the Christmas hype is a bunch of crude little men, often inebriated, roaming the rooftops. Santa, dude, control your wee helpers. We are well armed and tired of their arrogance.