All Entries in the "Hard News" Category
Bass boat fleet arrives at North Pole
The first frozen bass boat arrived at Santa’s Workshop this morning. The craft, one of 15 purchased in November is specially designed to make use of an overabundance of elf muscle available at the North Pole.
But primarily it is a sign of the times due to great polar melting and the disappearance of icebergs, fish and mammal habitat. The bruised topography has dictated a new approach to survival in the Far North. What used to be massive chunks of ice is now frigid water, ever rising, ever-consuming. Climate change does not support sleigh travel even if the sleigh can fly.
“We got tired of all the deniers, the greed and the ignorance associated with the man-made crisis,” said Santa Claus, who, with the help of twenty elves guided the boat into a protected slip out of the wind. “Fossil fuels are responsible for the demise of our lifestyle and yet they are drilling just over the horizon.”
One elf chimed in: We’ve got more water than ice and snow – sleighs can’t cut it and reindeer don’t swim well. We’ll still use reindeer to haul our new boats over what snowy terrain remains. Citing a “little known fact” the elf said that it always took more than one sleigh to make the rounds on Christmas Eve.
“Now we will have enough bass boats to deliver presents to every kid on the planet, at least while we still have a planet,” he bragged.
News that the loyal elf faction here would be expected to take to the ores did not go down well. Many are not comfortable with the plight of the galley slave even for one night in December.
“It starts with one night then before we know it we’re in chains rowing through glaciers and ice mountains whenever Santa wants to go on a road trip or has business in Canada,” squawked another puffed up elf.
The remainder of the fleet is slated to arrive this week and undergo major modification before the Yuletide begins. Each of the larger boats is named for one of the eight reindeer with other smaller vessels tagged for North Pol landmarks and Santas immediate family.
“If the destruction caused by human generated climate change is not addressed today we will need every boat and more to make it to dry land again,” said a visibly exhausted Santa. “Coal in their stockings hasn’t worked. Future believers may be writing me letters c/o Mount McKinley, Las Vegas or Mars.”
For a related piece turn to What to buy for a polar bear? in Lifestyles On Ice
El tamaño no es importante, dice la mayoría de las mujeres.
(Chalmette, LA) El tamaño de un par de zapatos no siempre es la primera consideración antes de una compra, según la mayoría de las mujeres encuestadas esta semana. El setenta y cinco por ciento de las compradoras encuestadas aquí dicen que otras variables, como el estilo, el color y el precio, son mucho más importantes que el ajuste.
“Por supuesto, uno debe darse cuenta de que esta respuesta fue precedida por calzado/ligeramente apretado a suelto/sin restricciones de ninguna manera implica que las mujeres andarían con zapatos que cortaban la circulación o se caían constantemente.
“La mujer de hoy busca hacer una declaración de moda de pies a cabeza”, dijo Margot Rotweiller, presidenta de Feets Don’t Fail Me Now, una empresa de panaderos y zapateros de Nueva Inglaterra que fabricó su primer zapato de cuero en 1703. “Si el estilo es cierto que ella puede crecer en ello. Si el precio es correcto, podrá arreglárselas”.
Los armarios a menudo están llenos de zapatos que les quedan perfectamente bien pero que “simplemente no funcionan”, según quienes respondieron al cuestionario, que circuló por todo el centro comercial Irish Channel de Marie LaVeau este fin de semana. La mujer bien vestida prefiere un poco de incomodidad inicial a los choques de colores y a la versión monótona o pasada de moda del año pasado.
En el lado masculino de la moneda, datos secundarios, recopilados subliminalmente en pabellones gratuitos de salchichas y queso, sugieren que a la mayoría de los hombres les importa un carajo su apariencia, siempre y cuando estén cómodos. El mantra para el hombre promedio, al menos en Luisiana, es: si tiene cordones, hágalo.
DID SHAKESPEARE WRITE BEATLES SONGS?
(Pop-on-Thames) William Shakespeare penned all but a few of the popular Beatles songs according to two British ladies who claim to be the 15th Century playwrights’s direct descendants.
In what might represent history’s most unforgivable creative SNAFU, John Lennon and Paul McCarney have been credited with authorship of over 700 songs from 1962 – 1974, which well have been created by Shakespeare from 1619 – 1622.
“We have known for decades that Billy (Shakespeare) wrote Magical Mystery Tour while on holiday in Paris in 1620,” said Wilma (Shakespeare) Ostrich of the London Ostriches. “At first we couldn’t get anyone to listen to our story but with the aid of my cousin Stephanie (Shakespeare) Witheringhand of Cardiff, we have compiled mounds of data of earthshaking proportions. People may think those mopheads from Liverpool wrote all those pieces. Now we have strong evidence to the contrary.”
Two women, claiming to be direct descendents of playwrite William Shakespeare, are suing the Beatles for plagiarism, claiming their deceased relative wrote all of their songs.
Back in 1978 Wilma discovered an old roll-top desk chocked full of notes in the attic of a family boarding house near Dover. The place was known as a favorite haunt of the great Shakespeare who used it as a weekend retreat, especially during his later years, according to family sources. The words and scratchings found were signed in the familiar hand that accompanied Hamlet, King Lear and countless other Elizabethan plays and sonnets. Among the most pointed scraps of evidence was a tune entitled Lucio in the Sky with Diamonds which suggests that Shakespeare may have experimented with hallucinogenics. Another gripping note, dated early in 1618, bears strong reference to Romeo and Julia, a woman in one of the songs thought to be written by the Beatles in 1968.
Researchers from a host of London literary and musical institutes are convinced that the notes are authentic.
“Take She Came in Through the Bathroom Window, offered one glassy-eyed expert. “Even a novice student of Shakespeare must realize the Elizabethan obsession with trap doors, balconies and, yes, open windows. The song Within You Without You follows suit with the acknowledged preoccupation with ghosts, spirits and the occult,” he added.
Many other well-known Shakespearean characters have appeared in Beatle songs from the start according to the ladies.
“The connection from Bungalo Bill to Sir John Falstaff (The Merry Wives of Windsor) is painfully obvious,” said Wilma. “Dogberry (Much Ado About Nothing) is easily recognized as Rocky Raccoon while we can easily imagine Casio (Othello) as Maxwell on the White Album. The most remarkable connection may be Julius Caesar who is definitely The Walrus, she said.
“On the other side of the coin we see many references from the works of Shakespeare that seem very Beatlian in nature,” according to Professor Emeritus Dr. Efram Bacon Pennywhistle of the High British Opera Reserve, located in Liverpool.
“That thee may furnish, and my prayers pluck down, a rubber soul. Fall on thy head!” (Lafeu in All’s Well That Ends Well) is enough evidence for me, quipped Pennywhistle. “And what about the line: “and like the beetle creepest down to the lowest point waining like the peawitted journeyor homeward” (Little Anthony in Anthony and Cleopatra)?
Other scholars agree. One points out the presence of a Yellow Submarine in Anthony and Cleopatra with “so may mermaids tending here ‘I the eyes”. In The Merchant of Venice even the literary dolt can draw reference to A Little Help From My Friends and You Never Give me Your Money
“Songs from later albums reek of Shakespearean floweriness, especially those attributed to Paul McCartney,” added Pennywhistle. It’s simple. The songs make no sense at all, leading one to believe that Shakespeare had employed his satiric hand once again.”
Wilma chips I here: “Considering these coincidences I think we have a strong case. Just read Abbey Road backwards in your mirror or listen to I’m So Tired while reading MacBeth in Chinese and you’ll see our point.
The two descendants are now suing the surviving two Beatles for an estimated $2.6 billion in damages and lost revenue. The figure, according to attorneys, reflects almost 400 years of inflation.
Ringo Starr, drummer of the group, was located in a hot tub near Brighten last night. He told us that the whole thing as a crock.
“John and Paul wrote those songs. I know because I watched and listened every day while I banged away on the skins. Let them try to get into our pockets,” he smirked. “They are all a bunch of loonies with too much time on their hands. Besides,” he challenged, “who ever heard of an Elizabethan doing it in the road?”
– Oral Waters
Bathrooms for customers only
The shame of the Western Slope Tourism Circus
“What would you have them do, Bassanio, water the shrubbery?”
from “The Merchant of Haggis” – William Shakespeare Act II, Scene IV
Restrictive bathroom policies have given a new meaning to the concept of Where to go in Western Colorado. After the passage of meandering civil rights legislation since 1964 one major problem has never been undressed and remains a black mark on the country, more specifically to tourism here.
The right and wrong of privilege is deep-rooted in the American melting pot and cannot be discussed without dredging up old emotions and then flushing them away along with self-evident truths as to equality and the pursuit of happiness.
“It is scandalous, obscene and downright uncomfortable,” said Hector Plunger, a recent victim of the limitations. One would think that in the wealthiest country in the world some accommodation could be made for those who have to pee. I myself was forced to find a bush.”
It is common knowledge that the Bathrooms For Customers Only is perpetuated by concerns of cleanliness, employee time, product and water. Proprietors often feel that unless someone buys something he can just hold it until he gets to a more user-friendly environment.
Concerned citizens have already gathered sufficient signatures to put the issue on the ballot in November. They insist that it is unconstitutional to turn away a fellow human in need, no matter what the fiscal exchange.
“It is shameful that an enlightened society cannot pull itself up from the hateful segregation into a more tolerant atmosphere,” said Plunger. “In many countries the needy are simply charged a small fee to use the public facilities. It’s kind of like mass transit. They all have it and we sit in traffic burning fossil fuel. One begins to reassess the concept of progressive, no?”
The biased tradition may well come to an end after the next election, canned, if you will, through the resolve of freethinking participants in this planetary social experiment. However, much of the harm has been done and will linger for decades, like the embarrassment of wetting one’s pants.
Shall we then, upon out thrones, pass judgment on those who must hold it? Sure this may sound like some more liberal crap but isn’t it time to bring the skeletons out of the water closet once and for all?
– Ben Gamone III
Mr. Gamone is a dedicated tantric pipe fitter and urinal cake broker from Privy, Utah.
Ice Park Summer Closure to Continue
(Ouray) The whirled famous Ouray Ice Park will remain shut down despite earlier efforts to keep things froze up for summer tourists. Warmer weather and a lack of precipitation are blamed for the suspension of activities at the facilit according to unreliable sources operating in town.
“They can still buy the videos all summer, or wander up the path and look at Box Canyon Falls, the semi-historic bridge and the state barn,” said Holmes Sherlock, coordinator of the ice park and highly sought botanist who is currently employed as a wall flower for the city. “We tried to keep the place going but it was just too much work without any ice. It doesn’t much matter if we’re talking Fahrenheit or Celsius. It’s all the same can of worms. People think it’s easy running an outfit like this but I’m here to tell you that it ain’t. We’re just as disappointed as the next guy,” he winced. Yes, we’ve been forced to see it as just a winter thing after all.”
Digital refrigeration experts say ice park personnel did a fantastic job of keeping the place open through April with an intricate system of fans and daily purchases of ice from local liquor store, but that budget constraints and limited federal funding axed that procedure in May. Then, despite high water and cutting edge equipment junkies on the scene, the wheels fell off, boncing to the bottom.
“I got to work one morning and all there was left of the ice park was water, wildflowers and exposed rock,” said Sherlock. “I was forced, despite my better judgment, to shut her down and make room for the flocks of pygmy hummingbirds that call these cliffs their home.”
Sherlock told The Horseshoe that he hoped to open the park back up sometime prior to Thanksgiving, if Mother Nature cooperates. Persons wishing to contribute to the ice park fund or the pygmy hummingbird rescue are encouraged to do so by pinning currency to the god tree, located just inside the park.
– Warren of Wexley
CONGRESS AGREES ON GUN CONTROL LEGISLATION
(For Mideast)
(KUWAIT) In what many are calling unprecedented non-partisan action, the United States House and Senate passed a sweeping gun control bill today, for the Middle East.
Unable to agree on similar legislation for their own country, the lawmakers voted unanimously to limit the flow of assault weapons to Iraq, Iran, Syria, Afghanistan, Egypt, Mali, Somalia and Palestine.
Congratulating themselves across the aisle on the decision, the Congress then officially praised itself on the courageous application of Democratic ideals and the export of freedom, before retiring to an overpriced luncheon at a local Washington bistro. It was not clear how the action would affect the powerful weapons lobby or future military contracts in the various constituencies across the land.
“Quite frankly I didn’t think the two sides could agree on anything,” said Alabaster Toolini, a lobbyist for the Italian sunglasses and shoe industry. “I suppose that it is feasible to think that someone in the Iraq might adhere to the new limits in exchange for electricity or clean water.”
Toolini, an accomplished Calabrian chef and (Frank) Sinatra look-alike, expressed concern over the implementation of the restrictions in places like Syria and Afghanistan where war has become as common as an afternoon sand storm or in Iran where the government already controls weapons.
Although no concrete plan was unveiled to jump start (fertilize) the new gun control legislation, leaders in the Senate said it was “a new beginning in altruistic attempts to create a lasting peace in the tumultuous region”. – Abdul “Mickey” Sands
“Baseball is what we were. Football is what we’ve become.”
– Mary McGrory
