All Entries in the "Hard News" Category
WHAT I’VE FOUND OUT
Grandfather clauses are only as good as the grandfather himself.
Guinness always appears in the plural form. Attempts to employ in the singular are grammatically and socially incorrect. It’s similar to deer and hops.
Murphy gas can cover Ballyhops in springtime
I don’t trust the government or the media and I don’t rely on the cops.
If all politicians were professional wrestlers the conventions would be worth watching.
The Heeny Tick Festival has had its fiscal difficulties over the past few years.
On British television they have a program that presents actual hospital operations live each day. In Ireland they bet on the outcome.
West Texas may have been shorted on landscapes but more than makes up for it in percentage of beautiful women.
Praying is perfectly legitimate in Bingo parlors. The gov’ment hasn’t regulated that freedom yet.
If the feds drain Lake Powell they will have no place to put all that water.
The Luddites were right.
If the Creator were inclined to invest in humans again he/she might be planning to send a daughter next time around. Why not let her give it a try.
Vegetarians are not within the target audience of the Slim Jim Company.
With the recent sale of a 1955 Cadillac Sedan de Ville to Hector Perez of Santiago, Cuba there are now more vintage Yanqui cars in that country than in the U.S. This shameful disregard for cultural priorities has been documented by everyone from John Elway to the American Automobile Club. If Roscoe Ortega can come up with the down payment on a 1959 Lincoln Town Car this weekend it is feared the Cubans may enjoy a two-car lead by the All-Star break.
If you answered Bill Clinton in our April Name A Famous Person From Arkansas Contest you win nada. That was not exactly the answer we were looking for, by any stretch of the imagination.
Alan Greenspam should thank the IRS for slowing down the U.S. economy.
If the Ten Commandments serve no secular purpose (as a federal judge ruled recently in London, Kentucky than what constitutes secular?
Thanks to the millions of dollars spent to take the recent census we can accurately determine that no one lives on Duckwater Peak in Eastern Nevada. In addition very few persons reside on nuclear test sites there either.
-H.L. MENOCKEN
Lack of Eligible Ladies Drives Bachelors to Despair
(Ouray) The overabundance of males in the San Juan Region has driven many to the slums of the cities in search of a mate and a more affectionate future. Already the rings of poverty around urban centers have grown faster than the cities themselves, creating a nightmare for police and social services providers. The chronic problem becomes epidemic during winter months when distractions are fewer, outdoor activities are somewhat limited and men are forced to sit around contemplating their tragic status.
Shortages of proper lady dancing partners like burrs in the saddle say most West Slope bachelors
“The big lie that manifests itself here is that opportunities for romance are burgeoning in large population areas,” said Herb Valentine, who runs a half-way house for recovering romantics on Red Mountain. “Almost to a man they arrive in the city to find nothing but the same. Soon they are sucked into the dredged society and turn to crime to avert starvation.”
Addictions to such plentiful drugs as Laudanum (Ronald Reagan’s drug of choice) and cheap alcohol are rampant and especially destructive in the younger population, many of them still virgins. Falling smack into the lap of poverty, these new arrivals have nothing between them and a certain, lonely demise.
“It’s sadder than the mug on John Boehner during budget negotiations with Barack Obama,” said Valentine.
Women in Denver City searching for male company. “Look no further, ” say Western Slope single gents.
Overtures are already in motion urging large groups of eligible flatlander females to take their vacations in Western Colorado en masse, especially in the winter. Some more aggressive hopefuls are even calling for the complete relocation of women so as to attain their lofty goals.
A complicated rating system that couples males and females has been scrapped in favor of simpler Friday night dances, hay rides and gala Sunday brunch festivities designed to create dialogue and potential matchmaking. Critics of these moves say males must be eligible too or the system will cave in under its own weight.
“Eligible is a relative term on a cold winter night,” said Valentine, “at least for these boys.”
Women seeking to pursue this line of reasoning should send photos and information to Social Director, Ouray Mountain Rescue Flowers and Gifts, Old Maid Mine, Colorado.
– Uncle Pahgre
Czar and Family Murdered
The Russian Imperial Romanov family (Nicholas II of Russia, his wife Alexandra Feodorovna, and their five children: Olga, Tatiana, Maria, Anastasia, and Alexei) were shot and bayoneted to death by Bolshevik revolutionaries under Yakov Yurovsky on the orders of the Ural Regional Soviet in Yekaterinburg. That cloudless July night in 1918 could have just as easily been last night in the Kremlin.
Shocked and brainwashed Russians expressed concern that precedents like this could dictate an end to the current administration in Moscow as soon as this week. Vladimir Putin, the ex- KGB strongman, remained in seclusion, fighting his war in Ukraine from “the other end of the table”. Inside sources ay he has requested asylum in North Korea should the current tide of disapproval continue to grow in the country.
“He is frightened that either assassination or poison will be his demise,” said a former aide.
-Polly Pushkin
City, hospital teaming up on sleep disorder syndrome
(Montrose) The City of Montrose and Montrose Memorial Hospital will cooperate in an experimental procedure linking council meetings with out-patient therapy. Starting this week patients of the hospital, suffering from sleep disorders, will begin keeping minutes at legislative sessions. Doctors expect that the action will put them to sleep.
Attendance will be mandatory for all receiving treatment.
“Who knows,” said one source, “maybe some of these tired novices will run for elected office themselves someday thus completing the cosmic circle.”
Officials at both institutions hope that this move will relieve symptoms of the illness while researchers search for a cure. If this doesn’t work patients may be forced to watch Rockies’ games on television through the summer.
Anyone wishing to join in this flowering marriage between health and politics is invited to attend, however space is limited and guests are reminded that there is no eating or drinking in council chambers. Alcohol is prohibited until after the meeting is concluded.
“As soon as an infant passes through the birth canal he/she has a pre-existing condition.” – Dr. Pilar Riosucio in Sabe Nada, Los Herman’s de Testosterone, Bogota
ANSWERS TO MARCH IQ TEST
1. Probably not
2. The linen closet on a 1958 Oldsmobile
3. Miscellaneous itemized deductions not to exceed 3% of adjusted gross.
4. The outhouse door on a tuna boat
5. Buffalo burgers cause far less gas but are harder to swallow under water.
6. Linseed oil heated to 105 degrees F.
7. Not available without prescription.
8. Hillary Clinton 17, Crocodiles 2
9. Pay-Per-View War
10. Employment of the Devil’s Picture Book turned out to be more effective than collecting all those Iraqi high school year books for positive identification of insurgents.
China enviará ayuda a Puerto Rico
(San Juan) En lo que los líderes de los EE. UU. llaman una acción de provocación, la República Popular China se ha comprometido a enviar ayuda para desastres a la isla de Puerto Rico, un territorio no incorporado de los Estados Unidos.
A pesar del ruido de sables en Washington, China está almacenando alimentos, agua y repuestos de computadoras destinados a la colonia caribeña asolada por el clima que ha recibido poca o ninguna ayuda “en el norte” desde los días de Donald Trump y el huracán Nicole.
“Vemos una oportunidad de extender nuestra influencia en el Caribe”, dijo un comunicado de prensa chino, “y estamos respondiendo a nuestro sentido humanitario de justicia. Estados Unidos ha dejado caer la pelota y simplemente la estamos pateando a la playa otra vez”.
No estaba claro si el gesto provocaría una respuesta positiva por parte de los EE. UU. o si una disputa global en curso dejaría una vez más las necesidades de la población en el polvo.
Mientras tanto, los lugareños dicen que cualquier ayuda sería apreciada y esperan los papeles de los huevos y las instrucciones de instalación en español, el idioma común en la isla.
“Le recordamos a China el protectorado que nunca ha tenido”, dijo una víctima de las tormentas tropicales que aún no ha recibido el techo de paja prometido en 2021.
Para una historia relacionada, vaya a Palillos caribeños en la página siguiente.
