(Pop-on-Thames) William Shakespeare penned all but a few of the popular Beatles songs according to two British ladies who claim to be the 15th Century playwrights’s direct descendants. 

     In what might represent history’s most unforgivable creative SNAFU, John Lennon and Paul McCarney have been credited with authorship of over 700 songs from 1962 – 1974, which well have been created by Shakespeare from 1619 – 1622.

     “We have known for decades that Billy (Shakespeare) wrote Magical Mystery Tour while on holiday in Paris in 1620,” said Wilma (Shakespeare) Ostrich of the London Ostriches. “At first we couldn’t get anyone to listen to our story but with the aid of my cousin Stephanie (Shakespeare) Witheringhand of Cardiff, we have compiled mounds of data of earthshaking proportions. People may think those mopheads from Liverpool wrote all those pieces. Now we have strong evidence to the contrary.”

Two women, claiming to be direct descendents of playwrite William Shakespeare, are suing the Beatles for plagiarism, claiming their deceased relative wrote all of their songs.

     Back in 1978 Wilma discovered an old roll-top desk chocked full of notes in the attic of a family boarding house near Dover. The place was known as a favorite haunt of the great Shakespeare who used it as a weekend retreat, especially during his later years, according to family sources. The words and scratchings found were signed in the familiar hand that accompanied Hamlet, King Lear and countless other Elizabethan plays and sonnets. Among the most pointed scraps of evidence was a tune entitled Lucio in the Sky with Diamonds which suggests that Shakespeare may have experimented with hallucinogenics. Another gripping note, dated early in 1618, bears strong reference to Romeo and Julia, a woman in one of the songs thought to be written by the Beatles in 1968.

     Researchers from a host of London literary and musical institutes are convinced that the notes are authentic.

     “Take She Came in Through the Bathroom Window, offered one glassy-eyed expert. “Even a novice student of Shakespeare must realize the Elizabethan obsession with trap doors, balconies and, yes, open windows. The song Within You Without You follows suit with the acknowledged preoccupation with ghosts, spirits and the occult,” he added.

     Many other well-known Shakespearean characters have appeared in Beatle songs from the start according to the ladies. 

     “The connection from Bungalo Bill to Sir John Falstaff (The Merry Wives of Windsor) is painfully obvious,” said Wilma. “Dogberry (Much Ado About Nothing) is easily recognized as Rocky Raccoon while we can easily imagine Casio (Othello) as Maxwell on the White Album. The most remarkable connection may be Julius Caesar who is definitely The Walrus, she said.

      “On the other side of the coin we see many references from the works of Shakespeare that seem very Beatlian in nature,” according to Professor Emeritus Dr. Efram Bacon Pennywhistle of the High British Opera Reserve, located in Liverpool.

     “That thee may furnish, and my prayers pluck down, a rubber soul. Fall on thy head!” (Lafeu in All’s Well That Ends Well) is enough evidence for me, quipped Pennywhistle. “And what about the line: “and like the beetle creepest down to the lowest point waining like the peawitted journeyor homeward” (Little Anthony in Anthony and Cleopatra)? 

     Other scholars agree. One points out the presence of a Yellow Submarine in Anthony and Cleopatra with “so may mermaids tending here ‘I the eyes”.  In The Merchant of Venice even the literary dolt can draw reference to A Little Help From My Friends and You Never Give me Your Money

     “Songs from later albums reek of Shakespearean floweriness, especially those attributed to Paul McCartney,” added Pennywhistle. It’s simple. The songs make no sense at all, leading one to believe that Shakespeare had employed his satiric hand once again.”

     Wilma chips I here: “Considering these coincidences I think we have a strong case. Just read Abbey Road backwards in your mirror or listen to I’m So Tired while reading MacBeth in Chinese and you’ll see our point.

     The two descendants  are now suing the surviving two Beatles for an estimated $2.6 billion in damages and lost revenue. The figure, according to attorneys, reflects almost 400 years of inflation.

     Ringo Starr, drummer of the group, was located in a hot tub near Brighten last night. He told us that the whole thing as a crock.

     “John and Paul wrote those songs. I know because I watched and listened every day while I banged away on the skins. Let them try to get into our pockets,” he smirked. “They are all a bunch of loonies with too much time on their hands. Besides,” he challenged, “who ever heard of an Elizabethan doing it in the road?”

– Oral Waters

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