Bathrooms for customers only

The shame of the Western Slope Tourism Circus

“What would you have them do, Bassanio, water the shrubbery?”

from “The Merchant of Haggis”   – William Shakespeare Act II, Scene IV

     Restrictive bathroom policies have given a new meaning to the concept of Where to go in Western Colorado. After the passage of meandering civil rights legislation since 1964 one major problem has never been undressed and remains a black mark on the country, more specifically to tourism here.

     The right and wrong of privilege is deep-rooted in the American melting pot and cannot be discussed without dredging up old emotions and then flushing them away along with self-evident truths as to equality and the pursuit of happiness.

     “It is scandalous, obscene and downright uncomfortable,” said Hector Plunger, a recent victim of the limitations. One would think that in the wealthiest country in the world some accommodation could be made for those who have to pee. I myself was forced to find a bush.”

     It is common knowledge that the Bathrooms For Customers Only is perpetuated by concerns of cleanliness, employee time, product and water. Proprietors often feel that unless someone buys something he can just hold it until he gets to a more user-friendly environment.

     Concerned citizens have already gathered sufficient signatures to put the issue on the ballot in November. They insist that it is unconstitutional to turn away a fellow human in need, no matter what the fiscal exchange.

     “It is shameful that an enlightened society cannot pull itself up from the hateful segregation into a more tolerant atmosphere,” said Plunger. “In many countries the needy are simply charged a small fee to use the public facilities. It’s kind of like mass transit. They all have it and we sit in traffic burning fossil fuel. One begins to reassess the concept of progressive, no?”

     The biased tradition may well come to an end after the next election, canned, if you will, through the resolve of freethinking participants in this planetary social experiment.  However, much of the harm has been done and will linger for decades, like the embarrassment of wetting one’s pants.

     Shall we then, upon out thrones, pass judgment on those who must hold it? Sure this may sound like some more liberal crap but isn’t it time to bring the skeletons out of the water closet once and for all?  

– Ben Gamone III

Mr. Gamone is a dedicated tantric pipe fitter and urinal cake broker from Privy, Utah.   


Filed Under: Hard News

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