All Entries in the "Hard News" Category

Colombian Color

Hitchhiker handing out $100 bills

(Ridgway) A gregarious hitchhiker has reportedly been handing out $100 bills to unsuspecting motorists travelling along Highway 62 through town it was disclosed today. According to a plethora of happy recipients the hitchhiker presented the money with a reminder that “all thumb cruisers were not bad and that it is safe to give them a ride in their time of need”.

     The stunt is part of a nationwide public relations campaign to present all “winging it” voyagers in a good light and play down negatives in the motorist-trekker relationship. In many cultures hitchhiking is considered a valid means of travel. Often passengers of this type are expected to pay a small stipend toward expenses.

     “The price of petrol severely affects this once smooth exchange. Today a lot of people cannot afford higher priced gasoline,” said Sissy Honkshaw, an expert of some sort, “while on the other end of the steering wheel, drivers can often resent what they consider to be deadbeat behavior in trying to bum a free ride.”

     Anyone knowing the whereabouts of this endowment rambler is asked to call local police and this newspaper immediately. A $10 reward is offered.

You and Your Back

By Dr. Simon P. Lackluster, M.D.

One of the nations most frequent medical complaints is the common backache. Throughout history, this one malady has had more conjecture as to its’ cause than almost any other problem to cross a practitioners desk. Reasons include lifting wrong, strain, incorrect bending, twisting and a myriad of other possibilities. The common layman must think the profession has been sorely lacking in its’ methods of determining the acts which bring backache on.

Recent new research into this area, however, has convinced a large number of doctors that the true reason is more closely akin to posture than any other.

Studies just completed by the renown Dr. Slipp-Arse and Professor McDisque, of the prestigious Cal-Polygamy Instant Toot, indicate that the major source of back trouble is due to man’s curious, and often arrogant habit of walking upright. As proof they point out that snakes and alligators never have back complaints, and with their elongated spinal cords it would seem to be a common occurrence. However, they point out, these animals never walk upright.

Furthermore, in thousands of interviews throughout the country they never heard of one normally born child complaining of back ailments until after they had learned to walk.

While it is probably too late for you, the reader, to take advantage of this discovery,  it is not too late for you unborn progeny. To save them from this cruel fate, NEVER TEACH YOUR CHILDREN TO WALK!

-Donald J. Powers, aka The Phantom

Cardinals rule on Cell phone love

(Vatican) Dubbing cell phone obsession as “the new masturbation” church leaders here conclude that the neurotic action is still a mortal sin.

And what about GPS? “It sounds like a disease,” said one Cardinal “and then there is “anti-social” media where everyone is lonely since they have substituted a screen for prayer and human contact.”

The high-ranking clerics also ruled that the faithful will not be allowed access to heaven without a series of ridiculous passwords and user names.

Why are dogs allowed at Botero Parque in Medellin, Antioquia? Whose idea was that? What does Fernando Botero think of his scultures getting watered?

Old Providencia

Rocking Around the Tree

Acupuncture gift baskets make a great Christmas present. Now taking orders. Sapinero Sewing Circle.

A reenactment of the French Revolution featuring the Reign of Terror Players will be presented at the Montrose Pavilion on December 28 and 29. The director is currently searching for Montrose County residents with royal blood to play the parts of the victims. We do not need any more loud peasants to act as extras. French nobility will be treated to a continental breakfast (crepes or croissants)  before the carts are loaded. Interested parties are asked to send proof of lineage to: Max Robespierre, c/o the above facility.

Now available: Cliff Notes for the 22,000-page General Agreement on Tariffs and Trade (GATT). Why pore over an ocean of data when you can have it all in a concise 24-page booklet. Nobody in Congress read the damn thing anyway. They were too bust campaigning. Send $3.99 to One World Publications, Warshington, DC.

The 15th Annual Jesse Helms Celebrity Possum Hunt will be held at a secret location near the Continental Divide on December 31. Liberals and non-smokers welcome.

For sale: Incredibly large kosher dill pickle. Low mileage. Would make a great canoe or could be sub-divided and sold off as small cucumbers. Jolly Pena, Colona Lighthouse. Come around the back.

For sale: 4,350,000 acres between Cortez and Burlington. Owner will finance or trade for successful liquor outlet. Contact local BLM office.

For sale: One nearly new set of Xerox golf clubs. Duplicate putters included along with ample software. Salvage rights on holes number 5 and number 13. Will throw in a bunch of those fuzzy driver covers and a pocket full of tees from Dos Rios. Cash only. Sylvia Birdie.

Substitute preachers needed all over the Western Slope for the holidays. Religious affiliation no problem. Good pay and great hours. Familiarity with rear projection and collection basketry helpful. Council of the Punitive Leap, Trent.

Good natured voyeurs needed for journey to India. Seaworthy salts of legal age please. Must have own gear and know how to swim. No corsairs, picaroons, peg-legged pirates, freebooters, snowboarders, surfers or malcontents need apply. Room and board included. Must pass literacy test and exhibit proof of vaccination. Reply to Christopher Columbus in Madrid.

Looking for somewhere to spend Christmas Eve. Call by December 26 or just forget it. Melvin Toole, Jardin, Antioquia.

Partying hardy this holiday season? We will bury your stinky, smelly clothes the next day. Pick up times fall every half hour between 8 a.m. and noon. Aroma Backhoe and Cleaners, Placerville.

Bring up your children by remote control. Dial 9 and hold it.

Working people can’t afford to take their children skiing. Tough shit. Colorado Brie Country.

Now you can shrink your local ski area safely and effectively with Preparation H. Tube or family size jar available where you buy Christmas tree permits!

Condescending preppie cooks needed for lavish sushi bar. Countess Interruptus, Box 772, Horseshoe.

Carrot psychics needed for instrumental snow dancing, possible romance. B. Bunny, Blind Box 99, Horseshoe.

NEEDED: Large man with chain saw to break up fights at closing time over the holidays. Grady’s Gravy Heaven, Wimpton Mall.

National vacuum cleaner concern seeks dirt bag to demonstrate personal utilities associated with our fine product. Can you cut the mustard, or at least wipe it off your ski parka? Good pay plus commission. Volunteer Vacuums, Pueblo and Raton.

Crummy Christmas presents got you down? We will pay top dollar for ties, perfume, scarves, fruitcake, any gift. Yuletide Salvage, Miller Mesa.

Will butcher fowl for the fun of it. Will pay you the going rate to butcher turkeys through the end of the month for pure revenge. That turkey killed my brother. Darian Mariposa, Mañana Grange.

Air your dirty laundry by computer at the DIA. Emotional baggage system AOK! Interested? Contact Kansas Laundromat across from DIA.

LOST: Computerized sleigh landing gear between what was Stapleton and what is Denver International Airports. S. Claus, North Pole Enterprises.

Former prostitute seeks government position. Will start at the bottom. Finn Town Fannie, Telluride.

Erma: I’ll be wearing a white sport coat and a pink carnation, or was that a pink sport coat and a white fixation? Anyway, you know what I like, heh? Are you an adult? Am I, heh? Let’s groove together until spring. I’ve even waxed my mustache and cleaned the bathroom. Ophir Slim.

In honor of and with respect to all fur bearing animals who are trying to get some rest this winter, we ask that all humans keep their voices down through April. In short: If you have nothing appropriate to add to the conversation just sit quietly. A therapist will be with you momentarily.

Looking for part-time work over the holidays. I will stuff envelopes, read books, chop firewood or run for President in 2024. It seems I have a lot of time on my hands and Marilyn works nights. Respond to Dan Quayle, Kokomo Milling and Fine Taboos.

Going out of business. Selling antique sleigh and eight tiny reindeer. Red suit with fur lining, assorted tools, work bench and extremely dependent elf colony. Krispe Kringle.

Wash dishes in Nairobi! Scrub pots in Kathmandu! Screen silverware in Arkadelphia! Send complete resume and $100 filing fee to International Pearl Diver Placement and Exchange. Box 33, No Name, CO 81603.

ATTENTION TRAVELERS! The Cane Law is now in effect on Monarch, Coal Bank, Red Mountain and Wolf Creek Passes. Anyone over 95 years of age should avoid operating a motor vehicle on these passes until June or July – Gladstone Search and Rescue.

Will buy one-cent stamps for a dime on the dollar. Let’s play post office! Elmer Glue, Jack’s Cabin.

Locked out of your car? We have furnished apartments for rent by the day or week. Towels and sheets slightly extra. Maybelle’s Sleeping Rooms, Indian Massacre Highway across from the Silver Spoon Rendering Plant. Maybelle’s is in no way associated with Ed’s Beds of Denver, Colorado.

Positions available: standing, sitting, kneeling and full recline. Send resume to Desk Jockeys International. We are your shadow feral government in action!

1000 gourmet sauces made exclusively of ketchup and ditchwater. Syd Fahrdt, Delta House.

MAKE BIG MONEY over the holidays stuffing olives, artichokes, peppers, turkeys, envelopes. Pimento Recyclers, on the sunny side of the street.

Strong-willed SWM seeks submissive SWF for Ping-pong interludes in my heated garage. I am interested in quiet walks, ice fishing and leaf collecting but I’m afraid to go outside. I’ve been told I’m good. Warren of Wexley, Whispering Pines, Ouray.

Will the person who stole my Lou Reed raincoat from the Tiny Tot Daycare Center please return it at once? If I catch you wearing it, I’ll cut you real bad – Flower.

Will stud tires, fix pets, administer hormone shots, arrange social encounters, ferment perfume, weld relationships, break horses, harass fur wearers, lie to creditors. Tyrone’s Tires, Sassafras Pass.

“Mother Was a Teenage Rastafarian” will be showing at the Uranium Drive-In until the world ends or further notice. Thank you.

I, Saint Nicholas, am no longer responsible for debts, private or public, incurred by Santa Claus, Father Christmas, Kris Kringle or The Jolly Old Elf in the presence of Zeus as of December 31, 2024 — Saint Nicholas, Nicosia, Cyprus.

Erotic laser gum massage by Sue. Weekdays by appointment. Box 3998, Horseshoe.

Older rancher seeks young woman to cook for 27 helpless sons, ranging from 16 to 44. Chores include feeding cows, shearing sheep, egg gathering, llama baiting, frog calling, fly swatting and horse catching. Could work into a lasting marriage with one or more of us. Private house trailer through the winter, then we’ll just see what happens. Happy McDuff, Cimarron South.

HUBCAPS FOR ANY OCCASION. Call Hubcap Johnny 1-800-999-3546. After hours call Johnny at home.

Got popcorn balls for Christmas? Call St. Roscoe’s Hospital if you have insurance.

Dukakis-Benson political trivia. T-shirts, bumper stickers, campaign buttons, ball caps and cheap jewelry. Still have some Walter Mondale Christmas hairspray and several Spiro Agnew holiday false teeth sets for next to nothing. Sorry but our MAGA hats still haven’t arrived from China. Bo the Balloonist.

Kittens for Christmas. $350 firm. We don’t have to tell you that the price will go up after December. Also parting out old, wet newspaper sports pages and used vacuum cleaner bags. No checks. No sales before noon. No tobacco chewers. 22774499225577 Road, Olathe. Honk first. We got mean dogs.

COME SEE a replica of the downtown Montrose business district this Christmas. Located two miles north of our South Townsend location. Wal-Mart Saving You Money!

The new Ed’s Liver and Onion Wagon will be heading south for the winter on December 31. Now’s the time to stock up. Ed will be in Ouray on December 19 and Crested Butte on December 26. Montrose and Gunnison in between. Happy Holidays!

WILL PREPARE POTATOES for you and your family over the holidays. Fried, poached, escalloped, baked, boiled, mashed, steamed, stewed, broiled, scrambled, twice-cooked, au gratin, and rehabilitated. The Eyes Have It, Spud Hill.

Vegetarian will trade cow for magic beans. Maureen in Seattle.

Have you finally chosen the perfect group to hate? Have you zoned in and isolated one social class or ethnic mixture that can be blamed for all of society’s problems? You’re on the right track! We specialize in helping people just like you. Just send us your thoughts and we’ll send back a well versed thesis that backs up your bigotry with all kinds of facts, numbers, graphs and projections. Win those heated arguments at the dump or in the laundromat. Overwhelm your debate opponents with mounds of worthless data. How do you think the politicians do it time and time again? Be prepared! Send ideas to Opinion Bozos, Blind Box 007, Horseshoe.