All Entries in the "Fractured Opinion" Category

Bone Soup

Rates: For the first 20 words or so we will pay you in stock (live). After that our society page editor will award contingency packages. For less than 20 words one may just as well paste the message up on a kiosk or put it out to sea in a bottle. We discourage graffiti since so many of you cannot spell the wurd properly. Ads that run over thirty days will be sold for scrap while ads that miss the deadline will be stored, sans plastic wrap, in the employee refrigerator overnight. Ads requiring boxes should be placed with poultry adhesive byproducts attached. Keep in mind that the staff of this paper would rather touch each other inappropriately than wait on you. If you require further attention contact your elected officials as profit and loss is not an issue in that whitewash arena.

Policy: We have none as of the moment but we have a committee working on it, just as soon as the members return from Carnival in 2022. If you need parameters they can be purchased at the hardware store. Otherwise we suggest a fishing trip with linguistic bait or community service underground. WE PREFER CASH UP FRONT AND ADS LEGIBLY WRITTEN. If you are advertising goods and/or services for free or items vital to the good of the community you will be charged 25% since that kind of behavior is not conducive to the continuation of the Free Market System, as we know it. Persons running continual ads may be subject to a simple loyalty oath. Example question: Have you ever been a member of the YMCA. the Communist Party, the Audubon Society, Plato’s Republic or the Western Slope Bankruptcy Coalition? Please proofread your ads or we will have to do it for you.

Deadline: Now. Thank you.

Cowboys Without Cows meets on the third Tuesday of the month at Red’s Gravy Heaven. Bring some rope.

CATASTROPHE EMPLOYMENT – JOBS FOR FALL:

Jaeger-Meister distribution associate/driver. Responsible for visits to ski towns while accumulating accounts. Must have current driver’s license, sea legs and common sense. Pay plus stock options.

Snowplow mechanic in Shiprock, New Mexico. Seeking man or woman who can throw wrenches, make coffee. Tendencies toward the mechanical will not be tolerated. Must answer the phone and concoct outrageous stories when motorists call to complain about highway conditions.

Ice boy for Caribbean venture. Must have bathing attire, flip-flops and ability to interface ice buckets in several romance languages. Must be comfortable serving sunburned fat people over-priced cocktails in plastic cups. No watered down cruise ship refugees need apply. Towel and mosquito net provided. Compatibility with palm trees and sand a must. Bungalow space possible. Contract runs through March season. Low pay, high benefits to self-serving types.

Ice cream flavor inventor/technician. Will be responsible for three new ice cream flavors per week. Herbal therapy included. Night shift only. No experience required. Will train.

If any of these positions are of interest DO NOTHING AT THIS TIME. We will contact you! A subsidiary of Catastrophe Realty-Jacking up the Price of Living in Colorado.

A growing number of Americans may soon qualify for delicious water buffalo cheese direct from the federal gov’ment. To determine if you are eligible for monthly shipments write Department of Genetic Farming and Agricultural Perception, 57 Chevy Chase. Attn: Foggy Bottom Filibuster.

Will the man who was spitting nickels out of the side of his mouth at Totem Pole Park please call Yvonne. Maybe I was too rash. Sure, I’ll dance with you. Braille Box 49992, Grand Valley.

Trouble starting your dogs on cold winter mornings? True Canine W-30. Available at pet shops everywhere. Works fine on cats too.

Bi-Polar Cruise. Domed eco-systems, Woo River excursions, The Great Salt Lake, mosquito nets, pagan babies, Hudson Bay, picnics with the seals. All meals and transfers. Private cabins. Dial 18.

Does anyone out there have change for a drachma? – a friend in Crete.

Visit Nepal in nothing but your boxer shorts. Mabuhay Missions, Crested Butte. Sorry: One per customer please.

Indian Summer Special: Plenary Indulgences: 1/2 off. St Roscoe’s. Up-to-the-minute listing of newly formed minority groups, bogus handicapped parking credentials, sushi decorations, plastic puke goof for Day of the Dead jokesters. Next to St. Roscoe’s barking lot, Wimpton Penny Wise.

Chopsticks agility sessions. Mr. Woo, Ridgway.

Lost: Spanish language flash cards during peace negotiations at Guadalupe Hidalgo in 1848. If found please contact the surviving ancestors of General Winfield Scott, 2998 Squatter Sovereignty Circle, Cerro Gordo, AZ..

Olympic Giant Slalom Driving! Every weekday on Dallas Divide 4:30 to 6:30 weather permitting. No dogs, police or alcohol please. Can’t make the afternoon session? Try our Daybreak Gladiator Competition mornings at 7 am. Seasonal.

Express Hydrofoil to Paonia: Mondays and Wednesdays 9 am and 3:30 pm. Saturdays at dusk. Political prisoners will not be boarded before weekend departure. No exceptions.

Dog Food Magazine of Irwin is looking for sales associates, account executives, executive vice-presidents, fleet directors and management personnel. Small commission but you get your name on your door. Deliver resume to above publication in small, shabby little trailer adjacent to lake.

Pisces Intervention starts soon! Get off your cusp and call Sandra…Aquatic Hydrotherapist Extraordinaire! Specializing in snorkel abuse, fin malfunction and minor hair loss. Blind Box 9922777, Mayberry.

Leap Year Okra pickled while you wait. Red’s Hollywood Show-Bar in the Wimpton Strip Mall. Next to Big Chief’s Casino. Born naked? Red’s is always hiring dancers. No cover charge before eight. Show your ticket stub at the adjacent Temple of the Blinding Allegiances and get saved before or after the show.

I lost my dog during an acid trip on Elk Avenue back in 1970. Unfortunately I was called away days after to run my father’s chemical stadium seat warehouse in Delaware and have not been able to return. Now I’ve made my fortune and I’m back to reclaim my dog. The problem is that I don’t remember his name or what he looked like. I cannot handle the thought of being called a deserter another day. Please, if you remember us, call me. Leave message at Lawrence of Oregano. Generous reward.

Canine escorts for any and all occasions. Crested Butte, Telluride, Aspen, Las Vegas. Dial 48.

Have you recently fallen down the stairs at the Eldo, the Talk of the Town? Call Morstern, Hamill and Glick Attorneys-at-Law. We can help. Many of our clients now own public houses all over the country. How do you think the Forest Queen survived horizontal zoning?

Registered mechanic to rebuild the solar heater on my 1987 appaloosa mare. The ride back from Gunnison last night nearly killed the both of us. Price no object. Earl MacAdoo, Crested Butte Livery. “Where the pipe’s always lit!”

Dynamite sagebrush $200/oz. Meet me on Mountain Express at 2 and 10 weekdays. I’ll be wearing ski goggles and carrying poles even in the summer and fall. Ask for Josh. Also scalping three front-row seats for the 2027 X Games in Wichita.

Urinal cakes for any occasion. Drive out the post road to 3365772299886565 Road and honk loud. We got real mean dogs. Grandma Pritchard Vineyards.

Dominant stooge seeks two submissive stooges to accompany him on outings, diversion, and mirth. No kinky stuff. Call Moe at the Wildwood Music in 1979.

Land a good paying position in the fast-paced world of Embryonic Research. Must have earned at least a passing grade in high school biology, exhibit ability to operate a blender (for cocktails) and have a sincere desire to change the world. Car helpful. Send resume to Blind Box 3992, Horseshoe. No missionaries.

Auction off your ego on E-Bay. Lots of good destinations for unnecessary body parts, imagination, assorted DNA and integrity. Make Big Money! Further biology and medical disturbances still on the WEB at www.mindlessproductivity.com.

Notice: Cars towed on July 32 from Elk Avenue in Crested Butte have been misplaced in one of our satellite lots. We will not be responsible for lost articles. Vouchers will be extended to chronic whiners based on Blue Book values and current state of affairs. Next time read the sign. Park tomorrow for tonight, damn it!

Lost: G-string in downtown Colona. Not slight underwear but rather musical accessory for guitar. Leave message with machine gun-toting militia stationed in front of news stands downtown.

Bridge burning seminars nightly and on Tuesdays. Box 3333, Slick Rock. Bring two sticks. If you can’t make it send the covered dish anyway. No Irish.

I would like to take this opportunity to apologize to anyone bitten by my dog, Earl, between now and April 20. After that date you’re on your own. Jacques Strappe, Almont. (6/20/21)

The United States Department of Questionable Karma has relaxed restrictions building on tailings in the San Juans. Ponds are particularly enhancing. Nice mountain views. Year-round Access. Catastrophe Realty. Portland, CO. Wee-mail us.

Most of you already know that reading the San Juan Horseshoe is more fun than experiencing the stomach flu. Now we possess conclusive proof that it’s far cheaper. Now available in Canada — just $26 for 24-hour podcast.

The Disappointment Valley Optimist Club will host a membership drive at the bottom of Norwood Hill on March 14 and 15. Free rose-colored windshield scrapers to the first 100 persons to join up.

Second-hand smoke getting to you? Protect yourself and ones you love with Syd’s Second-hand Smoker’s Patch. Penetrates fatty area under the arm or stitches over the eye. Installation free when you buy one or more at St. Roscoe’s Drive-In Out-Patient Easy-Payment Duty-Free Non-Profit People’s Clinic in Wimpton or Manana. Worried about second-hand, third-hand, fourth-hand and even fifth-hand smoke invading your respiratory system while you’re asleep? Ask about the Syd’s Second-hand Smoke Detector. All and more medical superstition from St Roscoe’s Hospital…The Hospital with hospitality built right in!

Legitimate and enlightening encounters with chicken gumbo and crawfish bisque starting in August and running until Fat Tuesday. Afternoon and evening seatings. Tea dances on demand. Marie Laveau Tavern, St. Charles Ave.

Need: Aspiring Executive type to handle toilet paper installations and quality control measures until the end of the tourist season. Rusty Xenophobe Hotel. Could work into regular job and advancement in the expanding field of motor lobby security. Complimentary Flea Pass and Snowboardable Housing included in 2022. Apply in person or out of body if you so desire.

Texans Massing at Border

(Raton Pass) Three divisions of battle-hardened Loan Star storm troops in armored personnel ATVs backed by artillery, lawn chairs and the ruthless French poodle cavalry have been spotted moving through northeast New Mexico toward the porously defended Colorado frontier this morning.

Surveillance flights, often interrupted by smoke from lingering forest fires, confirm that the huge force has now been joined by primitive colonial infantry units from Oklahoma. 

Loaded down with bags of gold, often exchanged for exotic trinkets in the higher elevations, the force has been little match for Colorado Air National Guard squadrons. Employing sophisticated methods of psychological warfare, these brave men and women continually peppered the ground with a blitz of sugar beet sweetened iced tea and pictures of Tom Landry.

“We almost hit a couple of ’em,” said one pilot sucking on a fifth of John Powers. “Our biggest logistical nightmare is trying to avoid the recon asphalt crews, busy patching Highway 87 somewhere down there.”

In a simultaneous exercise, volunteers from Las Animas and Costilla Counties have extended operation Frito-Lay, a highly successful poached earth operation, way up into Moffat County which effectively scorches the Sangre de Cristos, leaving crunchy landscapes in its wake.

We will not allow our holy ground to fall into the hands of those Dr. Pepper swillers! Once we burn all the farms and ranches, we can start building interstates and shopping malls,” said one culturally-absorbed torch warrior. This is one good ol’ Glorieta Pass!”

– Oral Waters

Fifteen Seconds of Fame…

Wilhelm “Tobacco” Roosterwande loaded up the ball. No one debates the fact. What is particularly alarming and somewhat amusing is that he used horse apples in his final “salsa of saliva”.

The baseball slid 10 ways to Sunday. He happily loaded the ball without paying the price until finally he got busted in 1904, but not until 699 strikeouts had been recorded, and at a record pace. 

“I once saw his curveball break a foot, then drop to socks line.” said longtime teammate Tyrone “Pop” Fly who was often pressed into service behind the dish when things got wet and sloppy.  

Although passed by for Cooperstown, Roosterwande has remained an icon for upcoming spit ballers, toddlers, old farts and anyone who drools.

Summer ’21 to be juried event

(Colona) Persons vacationing in Western Colorado next season will be doing so by invitation only according to a resolution adopted last night by Colorado Brie Country. While most tourists will be invited back, the roster will be determined by a jury of residents who will make all final decisions on the matter.

“Once the final invitation list is released there will be no exceptions,” said Jack Spratt of Gladstone Amusements. “This is an occasion where less is more. We think the people included in our official observation of summer will experience a more meaningful vacation without the fringe element in attendance.”

Spratt chose not to comment on rumors that the United States Border Patrol will be employed to keep intruders out of the inter-mountain region through September. Unreliable sources here and at the foot of Storm King insist that the feds have been invited in.

“They did one crack job at keeping illegal Latin American immigrants from walking into Maine,” said one member of the jury. We think they can do the same for us.”

It was not clear how this decision would affect restrictions on water grabs by the Confront Range next spring. At present any exchange must be approved on a bucket-by-bucket basis until that region realizes that growth without water cannot be tolerated on either side of the Continental Hayride.  

– Zorro DesPlants

“When poor people are rude and ignorant we write it off to bad breeding. When rich people are rude and ignorant we write it off to bad breeding. It is separate but equal bad breeding.”  

– Paula Parvenu

Our Presidents and Their Baseball

 The only reason that George Washington did not play catch with one of his junior officers at Valley Forge was because it was just too cold. The next summer, according to a letter sent home by a private in the Continental Army, the general really got after it, spending many of his idle hours whipping the ball around the horn to everyone who produced a mitt. You didn’t know that, did you? Imagine Washington to Mad Anthony Wayne to Horacio Gates…The ultimate double-play combination of the day.

Firebrand John Adams wasn’t far behind. Known to engage in a game of rounders, an early interpretation of baseball, Adams loved the competition and became a damned fine shortstop in his later years. In addition, he was the scourge of the base paths, especially when a Tory team was in town.

As the reader can clearly see, baseball and the Presidency appeared hand in glove from the very beginning of the nation. Although verification is sketchy in the early days, by the mid-1800s the keystone phenomenon had more than reached Pennsylvania Avenue. Sadly, no chief executive ever played pro ball. Most were relegated to ribbon cutting at new stadiums or to throwing out the first pitch.

In 1862, the long-legged Abraham Lincoln, who reportedly could lope from first to second in three steps, built a small field out behind the White House so his sons and he could play. Lincoln struck quite a pose winding up for a curve in the top hat and tails of his dark days at the helm. He had quite a brush-back pitch. Just ask George McClellan (deceased too). His successor of sorts, the bad luck Andrew Johnson was the first chief executive to call baseball “our national game”. He actually gave federal employees the day off to watch a game in 1867 and again in 1868, before his impeachment at the hands of a butter fingered Congress, who thought the game to be a waste of time.

Soon after, General, now President Grant umpired his first game (Gothic, Colorado- June 30, 1878) between two teams of former Union soldiers. The former commander was never challenged on his calls by the adoring troops. He reportedly ordered a keg to be stationed at home plate so as to encourage competitive play.

However, baseball was new and all eyes looked West even though the Dodgers and Giants had yet to move to California. Benjamin Harrison was the first President to watch a live game. In 1892 he watched the Washington Senators lose to the Cincinnati Reds. William Howard Taft was first to see a game in his hometown, in attendance as the Philadelphia Phillies beat the Reds in 1912.

Teddy Roosevelt (a distant relative of this writer) had once called baseball a mollycoddle game. Historians say that it just wasn’t violent enough for his tastes. Woodrow Wilson played ball at Davidson before transferring to Princeton. He threw out the first pitch in the 1915 World Series and watched Philadelphia beat Boston. In 1913 he signed an autograph for the legendary Ty Cobb. The game was pretty much white bread in those days in perfect harmony with Wilson’s much-publicized ill feelings toward blacks and immigrants. Warren Harding owned a minor league team. Herbert Hoover was booed at the Series in 1931.

Franklin Roosevelt, partially handicapped due to polio, served the majority of four terms in the Oval Office. He was an avid fan once telling a friend, “If I didn’t have to hobble up the steps in front of all those people I’d be at the ballpark everyday.” To illustrate the length of his tenure: Jimmy Foxx hit 353 home runs during the Roosevelt Presidency. Joe DiMaggio performed magic while FDR was in office, posting his 56-game hitting streak during the summer of innocence, before the US entered World War II.     

In more modern times, the connection between the diamond and the White House became even more pronounced. In 1953 when Dwight Eisenhower took over the love affair went deeper. Ike, who had played semi-pro ball in the Kansas State League, once admitted to sportswriters “not making the baseball team at West Point was my biggest disappointment in life”. Besides personally presenting Mickey Vernon with his batting champion trophy, Ike invited the winners of the Mexican League championship to the White House.

“I wanted to be a real Major player, a genuine professional like Honus Wagner,” Ike told a Gettysburg friend before his death in 1969.

Then came John Kennedy, a big Red Sox fan, who went so far as to appoint an under-secretary of baseball when he took office in 1961. Once, when talking to Cardinals’ great Stan Musial, Kennedy said,” A couple of years ago they told me I was too young to be President and that you were too old to play baseball. But we fooled them.”

Did Lyndon Johnson throw a high hard one at Barry Goldwater in 1964? Did Richard Nixon steal signs and change box scores after the embarrassment of Watergate? Did Jimmy “The Smile” Carter once jump the railing to congratulate the Braves after the team won the Series in 1992? Absolutely maybe. Rosalynn verified Jimmy’s enthusiastic feat while visiting Crested Butte in 1998. So did Hank Aaron.

Ronald Reagan began his career as a sports broadcaster. After his landslide election in 1980, while admiring portraits of former Presidents, Reagan told Senator Tip O’Neill that he had once played Grover Cleveland in the movies to which O’Neill retorted, “No Mr. President, that was Grover Cleveland Alexander. “I knew the nation was in tough shape from that moment on, O’Neill had later said. Win one for the Gipper and all.”

In the late 40s, George H Bush played standout first base as captain for Yale, hosted babe Ruth’s visit to the team’s New Haven field and even cracked a single off Milt Pappas during an old-timers game. Bill Clinton grew up a Cardinals’ fan but switched to the Cubs when he married Hillary. Like Jimmy Carter, Clinton favored a pardon for Pete Rose saying he “had paid the price”. Despite his best efforts, he could not end the baseball strike in 1994.

As most of us know George W Bush once owned part of the Texas Rangers and was the person responsible for trading Sammy Sosa to the White Sox (for Dick Cheney?). Many feel Bush was better suited for president of a baseball team than his later position. Longtime White Sox fan Barack Obama won 69 million votes in 2008 and is the only known Chief Executive to have a team named after him: The Class-A Brooklyn (NY) Cyclones renamed themselves the Baracklyn Cyclones in 2009 as a tribute to Obama. 

Donald Trump has never bankrupted a baseball franchise. He has yet to turn a double-play. Joe Biden once smacked a ground-rule double into Chesapeake Bay and the ball was returned some 20 years later. It rests in the Oval Office today, guarded by two German Shepherds.

– Gabby Haze

SEASONAL GUSTS SEE RETURN OF CUMBERSOME WIND NETS

(Montrose) An intricate system of wind nets will once again be employed 2 miles east of town, in an attempt to cut losses and aggravation caused by the elements here. The nets, designed by engineers at Howl Turbines of Bostwick Park, saw only limited success last spring but are expected to exercise a very positive influence this year.

Employing the basic science of fly tying, the tiny squares are capable of catching everything from Herefords to lottery tickets.

“We can expect to recover almost anything blown off course by the high winds,” said one engineer. “While we are highly concerned with currency, grocery lists, discarded plastic bags  and campaign literature, our biggest complaints so far have to do with the loss of cowboy hats.”

In response to the community the nets will be coated with a non-toxic sticky substance that will prevent these often cunning buckaroo hats from escaping once caught.

“There’s nothing quite so sad as to watch a full grown adult chase a new straw hat all the way to Gunnison in high winds,” said a source from city hall. “Our method is really quite simple, modeled after the spider’s web. Only this time the hat is the fly or visa versa.”

When installed the net stands erect across highway 50 and stretch about 1/2 mile to each side. A backup multi-colored nylon rope maze, knotted and fine tuned by local navy veterans to determine wind direction and velocity, is expected to be in place by Friday.

During normal business hours, small access portals allow motorized traffic regular access from 5 am to 8 pm. After that time only police, clerics and pizza delivery personnel will be allowed to penetrate the peremptory perimeter. During these dark hours teams of praetorian eunuchs will be patrolling the fringes of our strategic locales looking for rogue wind tunnels, wild asparagus and blueprints for the controversial Blue Creek Canyon Remodel.

Air travel to and from Montrose is not expected to be obstructed or improved during turbulent days. Insiders say that vertical service will most likely be more costly due to higher demand.

“It’s just another springtime in Montrose,” said 125-year-old driving instructor, Ernesto “Ernie” Rigarde. Yep, if you don’t like the weather around these parts just wait a few months and it will change.”

Local media workhorses at station ZYX will present a locally produced update this Saturday morning entitled “The Wind”. The program will feature a series of still life shots of the wind from 1900 to present. Filmed in conjunction with the Canning Channel “The Wind” will be broadcast at an undisclosed location from a press bunker somewhere in the Bland Valley. Critics say the presentation is quite appropriate, filling information gaps in a non-election year.

– Fred Zeppelin

“No more demon rum,” she say

“‘’cept maybe on a holiday.

Them holidays fly by so fast

Some for months and months they last.”

                                                                                             -Raynelle Downs, Bluefields, Nicaragua