Bone Soup

Rates: For the first 20 words or so we will pay you in stock (live). After that our society page editor will award contingency packages. For less than 20 words one may just as well paste the message up on a kiosk or put it out to sea in a bottle. We discourage graffiti since so many of you cannot spell the wurd properly. Ads that run over thirty days will be sold for scrap while ads that miss the deadline will be stored, sans plastic wrap, in the employee refrigerator overnight. Ads requiring boxes should be placed with poultry adhesive byproducts attached. Keep in mind that the staff of this paper would rather touch each other inappropriately than wait on you. If you require further attention contact your elected officials as profit and loss is not an issue in that whitewash arena.

Policy: We have none as of the moment but we have a committee working on it, just as soon as the members return from Carnival in 2022. If you need parameters they can be purchased at the hardware store. Otherwise we suggest a fishing trip with linguistic bait or community service underground. WE PREFER CASH UP FRONT AND ADS LEGIBLY WRITTEN. If you are advertising goods and/or services for free or items vital to the good of the community you will be charged 25% since that kind of behavior is not conducive to the continuation of the Free Market System, as we know it. Persons running continual ads may be subject to a simple loyalty oath. Example question: Have you ever been a member of the YMCA. the Communist Party, the Audubon Society, Plato’s Republic or the Western Slope Bankruptcy Coalition? Please proofread your ads or we will have to do it for you.

Deadline: Now. Thank you.

Cowboys Without Cows meets on the third Tuesday of the month at Red’s Gravy Heaven. Bring some rope.

CATASTROPHE EMPLOYMENT – JOBS FOR FALL:

Jaeger-Meister distribution associate/driver. Responsible for visits to ski towns while accumulating accounts. Must have current driver’s license, sea legs and common sense. Pay plus stock options.

Snowplow mechanic in Shiprock, New Mexico. Seeking man or woman who can throw wrenches, make coffee. Tendencies toward the mechanical will not be tolerated. Must answer the phone and concoct outrageous stories when motorists call to complain about highway conditions.

Ice boy for Caribbean venture. Must have bathing attire, flip-flops and ability to interface ice buckets in several romance languages. Must be comfortable serving sunburned fat people over-priced cocktails in plastic cups. No watered down cruise ship refugees need apply. Towel and mosquito net provided. Compatibility with palm trees and sand a must. Bungalow space possible. Contract runs through March season. Low pay, high benefits to self-serving types.

Ice cream flavor inventor/technician. Will be responsible for three new ice cream flavors per week. Herbal therapy included. Night shift only. No experience required. Will train.

If any of these positions are of interest DO NOTHING AT THIS TIME. We will contact you! A subsidiary of Catastrophe Realty-Jacking up the Price of Living in Colorado.

A growing number of Americans may soon qualify for delicious water buffalo cheese direct from the federal gov’ment. To determine if you are eligible for monthly shipments write Department of Genetic Farming and Agricultural Perception, 57 Chevy Chase. Attn: Foggy Bottom Filibuster.

Will the man who was spitting nickels out of the side of his mouth at Totem Pole Park please call Yvonne. Maybe I was too rash. Sure, I’ll dance with you. Braille Box 49992, Grand Valley.

Trouble starting your dogs on cold winter mornings? True Canine W-30. Available at pet shops everywhere. Works fine on cats too.

Bi-Polar Cruise. Domed eco-systems, Woo River excursions, The Great Salt Lake, mosquito nets, pagan babies, Hudson Bay, picnics with the seals. All meals and transfers. Private cabins. Dial 18.

Does anyone out there have change for a drachma? – a friend in Crete.

Visit Nepal in nothing but your boxer shorts. Mabuhay Missions, Crested Butte. Sorry: One per customer please.

Indian Summer Special: Plenary Indulgences: 1/2 off. St Roscoe’s. Up-to-the-minute listing of newly formed minority groups, bogus handicapped parking credentials, sushi decorations, plastic puke goof for Day of the Dead jokesters. Next to St. Roscoe’s barking lot, Wimpton Penny Wise.

Chopsticks agility sessions. Mr. Woo, Ridgway.

Lost: Spanish language flash cards during peace negotiations at Guadalupe Hidalgo in 1848. If found please contact the surviving ancestors of General Winfield Scott, 2998 Squatter Sovereignty Circle, Cerro Gordo, AZ..

Olympic Giant Slalom Driving! Every weekday on Dallas Divide 4:30 to 6:30 weather permitting. No dogs, police or alcohol please. Can’t make the afternoon session? Try our Daybreak Gladiator Competition mornings at 7 am. Seasonal.

Express Hydrofoil to Paonia: Mondays and Wednesdays 9 am and 3:30 pm. Saturdays at dusk. Political prisoners will not be boarded before weekend departure. No exceptions.

Dog Food Magazine of Irwin is looking for sales associates, account executives, executive vice-presidents, fleet directors and management personnel. Small commission but you get your name on your door. Deliver resume to above publication in small, shabby little trailer adjacent to lake.

Pisces Intervention starts soon! Get off your cusp and call Sandra…Aquatic Hydrotherapist Extraordinaire! Specializing in snorkel abuse, fin malfunction and minor hair loss. Blind Box 9922777, Mayberry.

Leap Year Okra pickled while you wait. Red’s Hollywood Show-Bar in the Wimpton Strip Mall. Next to Big Chief’s Casino. Born naked? Red’s is always hiring dancers. No cover charge before eight. Show your ticket stub at the adjacent Temple of the Blinding Allegiances and get saved before or after the show.

I lost my dog during an acid trip on Elk Avenue back in 1970. Unfortunately I was called away days after to run my father’s chemical stadium seat warehouse in Delaware and have not been able to return. Now I’ve made my fortune and I’m back to reclaim my dog. The problem is that I don’t remember his name or what he looked like. I cannot handle the thought of being called a deserter another day. Please, if you remember us, call me. Leave message at Lawrence of Oregano. Generous reward.

Canine escorts for any and all occasions. Crested Butte, Telluride, Aspen, Las Vegas. Dial 48.

Have you recently fallen down the stairs at the Eldo, the Talk of the Town? Call Morstern, Hamill and Glick Attorneys-at-Law. We can help. Many of our clients now own public houses all over the country. How do you think the Forest Queen survived horizontal zoning?

Registered mechanic to rebuild the solar heater on my 1987 appaloosa mare. The ride back from Gunnison last night nearly killed the both of us. Price no object. Earl MacAdoo, Crested Butte Livery. “Where the pipe’s always lit!”

Dynamite sagebrush $200/oz. Meet me on Mountain Express at 2 and 10 weekdays. I’ll be wearing ski goggles and carrying poles even in the summer and fall. Ask for Josh. Also scalping three front-row seats for the 2027 X Games in Wichita.

Urinal cakes for any occasion. Drive out the post road to 3365772299886565 Road and honk loud. We got real mean dogs. Grandma Pritchard Vineyards.

Dominant stooge seeks two submissive stooges to accompany him on outings, diversion, and mirth. No kinky stuff. Call Moe at the Wildwood Music in 1979.

Land a good paying position in the fast-paced world of Embryonic Research. Must have earned at least a passing grade in high school biology, exhibit ability to operate a blender (for cocktails) and have a sincere desire to change the world. Car helpful. Send resume to Blind Box 3992, Horseshoe. No missionaries.

Auction off your ego on E-Bay. Lots of good destinations for unnecessary body parts, imagination, assorted DNA and integrity. Make Big Money! Further biology and medical disturbances still on the WEB at www.mindlessproductivity.com.

Notice: Cars towed on July 32 from Elk Avenue in Crested Butte have been misplaced in one of our satellite lots. We will not be responsible for lost articles. Vouchers will be extended to chronic whiners based on Blue Book values and current state of affairs. Next time read the sign. Park tomorrow for tonight, damn it!

Lost: G-string in downtown Colona. Not slight underwear but rather musical accessory for guitar. Leave message with machine gun-toting militia stationed in front of news stands downtown.

Bridge burning seminars nightly and on Tuesdays. Box 3333, Slick Rock. Bring two sticks. If you can’t make it send the covered dish anyway. No Irish.

I would like to take this opportunity to apologize to anyone bitten by my dog, Earl, between now and April 20. After that date you’re on your own. Jacques Strappe, Almont. (6/20/21)

The United States Department of Questionable Karma has relaxed restrictions building on tailings in the San Juans. Ponds are particularly enhancing. Nice mountain views. Year-round Access. Catastrophe Realty. Portland, CO. Wee-mail us.

Most of you already know that reading the San Juan Horseshoe is more fun than experiencing the stomach flu. Now we possess conclusive proof that it’s far cheaper. Now available in Canada — just $26 for 24-hour podcast.

The Disappointment Valley Optimist Club will host a membership drive at the bottom of Norwood Hill on March 14 and 15. Free rose-colored windshield scrapers to the first 100 persons to join up.

Second-hand smoke getting to you? Protect yourself and ones you love with Syd’s Second-hand Smoker’s Patch. Penetrates fatty area under the arm or stitches over the eye. Installation free when you buy one or more at St. Roscoe’s Drive-In Out-Patient Easy-Payment Duty-Free Non-Profit People’s Clinic in Wimpton or Manana. Worried about second-hand, third-hand, fourth-hand and even fifth-hand smoke invading your respiratory system while you’re asleep? Ask about the Syd’s Second-hand Smoke Detector. All and more medical superstition from St Roscoe’s Hospital…The Hospital with hospitality built right in!

Legitimate and enlightening encounters with chicken gumbo and crawfish bisque starting in August and running until Fat Tuesday. Afternoon and evening seatings. Tea dances on demand. Marie Laveau Tavern, St. Charles Ave.

Need: Aspiring Executive type to handle toilet paper installations and quality control measures until the end of the tourist season. Rusty Xenophobe Hotel. Could work into regular job and advancement in the expanding field of motor lobby security. Complimentary Flea Pass and Snowboardable Housing included in 2022. Apply in person or out of body if you so desire.

Filed Under: Fractured Opinion

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