All Entries in the "Fractured Opinion" Category
Estados Unidos busca controlar el flujo de ropa interior traviesa
París) Francia y una serie de otras naciones europeas han acusado a Estados Unidos de acaparar el mercado de la lencería traviesa. La acción, reconocida en parte por destacados diplomáticos, comenzó hace casi un año con el monitoreo federal de las ventas de ropa interior en América del Norte.
Los intereses estadounidenses supuestamente buscan controlar la industria de miles de millones de dólares en todo el mundo, según los líderes de la moda aquí. Dicen que los estadounidenses han aumentado la producción en un intento de dominar el comercio mundial de este producto malo.
“Ciertamente nos gustaría ver más ropa interior fabricada en los Estados Unidos antes de embarcarnos en algún esfuerzo conspirativo para regular su intercambio”, dijo Teddy LaRouiex, del Departamento de Estado. “En este momento, la mayoría de las prendas se fabrican en países del Tercer Mundo”.
Los líderes franceses, incluido el presidente Nicolas Sarkozy, han protestado por la medida diciendo que los gobiernos no tienen cabida para manipular la ropa interior ceñida. En una declaración oficial publicada aquí, los franceses no han llegado a condenar a un socio comercial desde hace mucho tiempo y solo han pedido que los EE. UU. Se abstengan de tal acción. “Nos escandalizan los esfuerzos por controlar la distribución, el diseño y los precios de la lencería traviesa, un producto que debe gozar de libre acceso bajo los principios de oferta y demanda. Esperamos que el peso de las protestas alivie lo que se ha convertido en una situación delicada ”.
Francia añadió luego que hay cuestiones mucho más urgentes en las que centrarse.
En privado, se dice que Sarkozy expresó su horror de que el estatus de ropa interior traviesa pudiera ser orquestado únicamente por un país “mal dirigido por grandes porciones de puritanismo y culpa”. Les dijo a sus asesores cercanos que el flujo de ropa interior es sagrado y nunca debe ser manipulado por una entidad privada.
Las reacciones en todo el continente fueron las mismas. En Holanda, los líderes pidieron a Estados Unidos que se mantuviera fuera de los dormitorios de la gente y en Italia, los manifestantes amenazaron con atacar la embajada estadounidense si no se revierte la situación. Portugal pidió un boicot a todos los productos fabricados en los Estados Unidos, mientras que en Irlanda las plantas de fabricación comenzaron a producir software íntimo destinado a combatir lo que Dublín llama una invasión de la privacidad.
Incluso los rusos están enojados. Hoy, el primer ministro, Vladimir Putin, pidió a los rusos que rechacen todos los volantes hechos en el extranjero y compren todos los artículos de interior, incluidos calcetines de lana y asas largas en puntos de venta de renombre dentro del país. Los economistas de la UE esperan que este alegato tenga efectos reverberantes en la temporada de lencería rusa (junio y julio) cuando en realidad hace suficiente calor para caminar con la ropa escasa.
Para no quedarse atrás Hugo Chávez, el presidente de Venezuela calificó los hechos como “crímenes de lesa humanidad”. Hizo un llamado a los trabajadores del mundo para que cesen la producción de lencería encuadernada en Estados Unidos.
“Que vean cómo es prescindir”, dijo Chávez como parte de un discurso de seis horas transmitido por Tele Sur. “Sus soldados comenzaron toda esta toma de poder en Europa después de la Segunda Guerra Mundial con las medias de seda documentadas y los atractivos de la barra Hershey. Ahora todas estas travesuras han vuelto a casa para descansar “.
Mientras tanto, los hoi polloi de la industria de la moda han permanecido mudos esperando ver más. – Herradura de Cachemira
CONGRESS REPEALS VASELINE TAX
(Washington) Despite a threatened veto by President Biden, the Senate today repealed a controversial Vaseline tax of four cents per jar. The speedy action is seen by insiders here as an attempt to distract the diligent American population from themselves and the real world around them.
Proponents of the tax, established last month, were convinced that their constituents would gladly pay a small stipend of this kind in lieu of a more painful process of hand-me-down legislation.
“Making up volumes of new laws every day isn’t easy and the President, of all people, should recognize this,” said Senator Oral Noise (Fizzy Party-WY), author of the Vaseline Amendment. “It’s bad enough the voters have to listen to all the crap that is generated in these sacred chambers without making him pay yet another creeping tax.”
Opponents of the amendment, including authors of the Contract on America, issued this statement following the final vote: “Colonial attempts to lubricate the executive and legislative branches of government in the late 16th Century deserve some credit, at least with reference to the hands-on process with which we have become accustomed. If the American voter will put up with our Congressional shenanigans and pay us to do nothing why shouldn’t we in turn make him as comfortable as possible while he is being manipulated. We feel that the Vaseline Tax was a valid assessment and that four cents not only guaranteed the free flow of commerce but also insured the ready availability of the product.”
One attractive television news anchor paraphrased the statement saying that the Congress has responded to public opinion and that it is clear that the American people will not pay any price for comfort. He then fell dead at his station, an apparent victim of over simplification and/or some bad sushi, purchased from a common unlicensed street vender in Georgetown.
Meanwhile President Biden told reporters that the tax was easily as valid as his presidency.
“Do you know how much Vaseline costs at the pumps in Europe and Japan?” he asked.
– H.L. Menoken
Senate to House Homeless over Holidays
The United States Senate chambers, empty due to a yet another Congressional Recess, will host more than 200 homeless citizens through the second week in January when elected officials return to prop up the corporate state with new legislation aimed at distracting us from what the rich and powerful plan to do with the country.
The temporary guests will only sleep in senate chambers being forced to vacate premises during daylight hours so as not to conflict with tours and weekly housekeeping.
“We just couldn’t sit back and watch people freeze while this hollowed hall is heated and empty,” said Ivy Trampoline, a socialist aid worker from Scandinavia, New York. “Many of the recipients of this gesture are taxpayers and others are longtime unemployed and/or victims of a tragic fiscal system that robs them of hope and leaves them on the street”
The guests will remain at the senate until January when they will vacate the building. There have been no occupants at the House of Representatives since Republicans there blocked a bill that would have included both facilities in the accommodation package.
“We don’t want a bunch of lazy bums sleeping at our desks,” said Bert Salamander, a representative from Oklahoma and sponsor of a bill that would create a carbon pipeline through Nancy Pelosi’s backyard. “Those desks are for us to sleep on.”
A verbal Christian, Salamander shot back at reporters when asked what Jesus might have done with the homeless:
“Jesus ain’t here,” he scoffed.
“If they don’t want to sleep outside why don’t they go find a job?” asked another Representative from Georgia, who repeatedly voted against the Minimum Wage legislation.
One of the temporary residents told reporters that the digs were acceptable but the infrastructure is broken and in need of serious remodeling. “Imagine eight executive bathrooms for 20 people. The aisles are separated by a dangerous, public opinion moat and he royal carpet is worn where the filibusters have dragged on,” she whispered. “Meanwhile most of us are secretly hoping the senators won’t come back and we can just continue living here. It’s convenient to all the monuments and museums.”
FOR A RELATED PIECE PLEASE TURN TO “HOUSE CALLED FOR ICING” ON OLIGARCHS ARE US
Thanksgiving in Turkey
Continued from in front of you
so that Bob (is that his name?) and I and the kids were pushed down onto the pavement and told to keep our eyes to the ground as the entourage passed by, snaking its way toward Mount Ararat and the grave of the Apostle Paul.
“Hey, mom,” said little Bennie, “says in this brochure that Turkey is larger than Texas. Is that for real?”
“No, stupid, it’s just all that jihad propaganda,” piped sister Beatrice from the pruned position. “Where did you get that brochure anyway?”
“Shut-up bitch,” said little Bennie. “Nobody’s talking to you!”
“Now kids, let’s try to put our hatreds aside. We’re miles from our hotel and not out of this yet,” said Dad. “These people are naturally friendly and engaging. They just have to get to know us. I thought St. Paul was buried at Lookout Mountain…”
No, that’s Buffalo Phil, fool,” said mom.
Finally, and not without more fanfare, the procession passed. The strange men in robes told us to get up and walk to the east and we would find true enlightenment…and our hotel.
“I wanna see Noah’s Arc,” said Beatrice, “and the ancient city of Troy. What a beat vacation. All my friends in Chicago will laugh at me if they find out I came all the way to Turkey without…”
“Wait, daddy,” I said to my husband, “isn’t that the road to Istanbul, or is it the road to Constantinople? They must sell ottomans there. I just have to have an authentic Turkish Ottoman or I’ll just die.”
“What about dinner?” whined Bennie. “We’ve been here three days and I haven’t seen a taco anywhere. Today is Thanksgiving. Where’s the stuffing?”
“Now Bennie,” said my husband, whose name eludes me just now, “this isn’t America. One has to adapt. Sure, all of these rugheads wish they were in America, the land of the free, but they aren’t. They’re marooned here in Asia Minor…have been for centuries. I thought you liked the filberts in barley sauce that mom cooked up last night.”
“I want pizza,” screamed Beatrice much to the chagrin of a large angry crowd that had now gathered, blocking our exit from behind one of a hundred mosques that crowd the cobbled square. “I hate filberts!”
“And where is the football!” demanded little Bennie. “Don’t these Tartar savages know that it’s Thanksgiving?”
“I hate tartar sauce too,” mumbled Beatrice, “and Kurds and whey…
“Stop!” cried daddy. “Look a fez stand right out here in the middle of nowhere. I think we should all take home a fez as a souvenir from this lovely trip. Say there sahib. How much for four fezzes…is that the proper term? Yeah, four…and don’t try to screw me. I’m an American and I have rights.”
At that he pulled out a U.S. fifty which the man selling the fez hats quickly grabbed and stashed in his robe. He smiled and then let go of the hats.
“Those hats look stupid,” said Beatrice, and for once her little brother agreed. We must have looked quite the sight wandering down those snarled filthy streets, sipping a Raki looking for some familiar signs of home.
“I have to pee,” said Bennie.
“We need to find a halkevi, or house of the people. Surely they will have indoor facilities…
“And cleanliness,” I crisply quipped.
“And a make-up mirror,” added Beatrice.
“And some good old American toilet paper,” smiled Daddy.
“We could ask someone,” I said melodically, swept up in the worldly banter of a man I no longer knew.
“None of these bozos talk American,” said Bennie
“Turkish isn’t so hard to learn,” said Dad as he wagged his finger at a would-be thief. “The Turks borrowed many Arabic and Persian words during the Ottoman Empire, then Kemal Ataturk changed the whole shootin’ match over to the Roman alphabet in 1928.”
“How does he know all that?” whispered Beatrice in my direction.
“Daddy was once a Middle East expert in of the Bush Administrations, dear,” I explained.
“It’s worthless information about a country that prefers figs to cranberry sauce, olives to pumpkin pie…”
“Shhhhh,” Bennie. Here come the mashed potatoes!”
As I looked up I saw thousands of men in the street. There were Turks from Ankara, Turks from Izmir, Turks from Cyprus. All were working together pushing a massive vat of freshly mashed potatoes, thinly veiled in Seljuk mohair, toward the largest of the mosques to the east of the square.
“Wow, dad!” said Bennie.
“Where are all the women?” asked Beatrice.
“Maybe they do celebrate Thanksgiving in Turkey,” I flinched.
“Look, kids. Look! It’s the march of the turkeys,” said Dad. “Look, honey, they’re coming this way. It’s going to be a wonderful holiday just like I told you. Honey? Honey? Hey, kids, where’s your mother?
“Oh, she was forced into that black Mercedes by two men who have been following us since yesterday,” said Beatrice.
“What? Forced into a car? gasped Daddy.
“Relax, man she’ll be back for dinner,” said Bennie.
– Luanne Julienne
Ms Julienne is a free-lance writer who lives in a big house in Connecticut. In addition to writing travel articles she raises amphetamines, which are then sold to collectors in New York. She hates yard sales because they contain tidbits of other peoples’ messy lives.
SAN JUAN NOTES
CALLER ID OFF THREE DIGITS
(Cow Creek) Residents dependent on caller ID technology to organize their social lives have been notified that the numbers employed are off by about three digits. Already several incidents have been reported involving inappropriate responses and other negative reaction to the local communication process. In short: Before you return a call or accuse someone else of monkey business remember to subtract three from the phone number on your screen.
Callers confused with all this should just hang up and try their call again. Do not rely on your GPS!
Earlier this month Wee-Mail service was interrupted between Ohio City and Pitkin after marmots chewed through rubber bands holding the system together. It has since been repaired, the cable buried underground.
Car Alarm Freaks Bear
(Ouray) An unattended car alarm has been blamed for frightening a bruin on Main Street in this mountain town. The senseless noise reportedly scared the nomadic animal who threatened to charge several pedestrians at dusk. The ensuing confrontation resulted in bent highway signs and a slight interruption of traffic, before the bear escaped into the Oak Creek brush.
Attempts at employing simple behavior modification techniques on the probing creatures has been ineffective up till now but the use of stun guns on car alarm violators and cell phone abusers has gone quite well according to a spokesman for the city.
Car alarms and cell phones remain illegal in Ouray County.
Already this fall more than 20 obnoxious humans have been trapped and relocated while tranquil bear watch perched in nearby trees. Humans are warned that all bear are not so peaceful. Some of the fury beasts, irritated by constipation due to a lack of berries have been quite aggressive when pressed.
Only yesterday a Red Mountain developer from Castle Rock and his courtesan land agent were almost eaten by a protective mother bear near Ironton. Fortunately for all, the black bear did not like the taste of the prey and spit both out.
GHOST OF DAVID FRAKES DAY VISITS ELKS LODGE
(Ouray) The long deceased editor of the famous Ouray Solid Muldoon paid a visit to the Ouray Elks Lodge last night, sipping on a beer and shooting a game of pool before retreating upstairs for a weekly lodge meeting. Although newer members expressed shock at the appearance veteran Elks say it happens all the time.
“Usually the spirits stay upstairs,” said one member, “but you know how nosy those newspaper people can be.”
After the meeting Day vanished leaving those in attendance with little else to do but adjourn to the parlor.
“That’s the first meeting he’s attended in almost 100 years,” said another Elk. “I wonder if he’s planning to pay his back dues.”
Ancient Anasazi Chuckholes Halt Work on River Road
(Ridgway) Attempts to pave the River Road between here and Ouray have met yet another glitch with the discovery of ancient Anasazi chuckholes in the path of progress.
Serious potholes exist, like washboard minefields, from Ridgway to Miller Mesa. Primary excavation, aimed at further surveying the project, revealed hundreds of these ancient apertures along the river. Further examination has exposed modular cliff dwellings hidden amid thick oak brush on the mesa to the west.
It is believed the Ancient Ones purposely constructed the chuckholes to repel invaders and collect water during dry seasons. The stretch of road will most likely be named a National Historic District Wilderness Area which means the chuckholes will stay put and motorized travel prohibited. Persons living along the road will likely be relocated to reservations in Utah.
Kareoke Security Systems Banned at Mountain Village
(Society Turn) Authorities at the Telluride Mountain Village, attempting to negotiate a left turn in traffic near here, confirmed reports that their sector would no longer tolerate kareoke security devices within the confines of that upscale settlement.
“We’ve already got a gated community and enough cops to effectively occupy Canada,” said Frank R. Flume, of the regional fire district. Why do residents feel the need for more protection? The kareoke alarms are ugly, intrusive, difficult to install and they scare the elk.
– Signel de Bushe
TV Takes Own Life
(Ridgway) A local television set has hurled itself off Ridgway Hill effectively terminating broadcasts and leaving one hell of a mess for road crews to clean up. The TV, which friends say was experiencing chronic depression over the quality of programming available, left no suicide note or will. Foul play has been ruled out
“It’s rare that we see household appliances go to such lengths,” said an investigating officer on the scene. “It’s sad and were sorry about the television too.”
According to llamas grazing near the point of departure the television worked its way to the edge of the hill then leaned over until it slipped off into Pleasant Valley. It said nothing but canned laughter was reportedly heard just before the jump.
“The little TV was trying to make a point,” said Elrone Rabbitears, a local media critic once jailed for threatening local news professionals in Bland Junction. “All that potential for information, art and entertainment and we have arrived at abrasive game shows and poorly concocted sit-coms aimed at the mentally inept. The only decent programs are on the Mexican Network but we still haven’t figured out what they’re saying.”
A service for the dead TV will be held on Sunday preempting the Bronco game on local channels.
– Sergio Jingles
