All Entries in the "Fractured Opinion" Category
ANSWERS TO PARADOX VALLEY SEPTEMBER KNOWLEDGE BOWL
1. Knives do tend to get dull faster over 8,000 feet. To decelerate this erosion simply wrap in old sweat sox soaked in vinegar…
2. Yes, it appears to be really stupid for baseball players to congregate inside a dugout during a pandemic.
3. Yes it was much like when the virus shut down our favorite machete bar in Andes and all the troublemakers moved to Bolambolo .(SP)
4. No. One cannot customize his Congressional Cardboard Cut-Out with body cameras/taping devices and prompts right there in the gallery.
5. gaudy plumage fades with age
6. Schadenfreude in High German episodes
7. People not bright enough to digest the nightly news or read their Bibles on their own = problems in the world = they need a news analyst or a preacher to wipe their their feigning intellect. These people should not be voting until they understand the issues.
8. My own teakwood fandango and a view of the sea
9. A foxhole is an asshole that digests FOX News
10. according to unreliable sources across the street at the bar
11. As far as we know a soul may not bring guns into heaven.
12. Books are bad. We have television now.
13. God loves the United States more than other countries because Jesus went to Harvard with Ted Cruz.
Tin Man to Speak Before House
(Oz) The celebrated Tin Man of the Yellow Brick Road will undress the House of Representatives tomorrow in what is expected to be a plea for compassion. The legislative body has recently passed legislation lambasting the poor while attempting to extend corporate tax breaks.
He is expected to scold House Republicans, then encourage them to have a heart while longtime associate, the Cowardly Lion, will exhort Democrats to stand up to the Trump/Pea Party and the military-industrialists that have all but set policy for the past 70 years.
The Tin Man, himself a recovering politician, has been notably outspoken of late in his attempts to rescue what is left of Republicanism in this country. Admitting that his image has suffered due to links to Dorothy (a flaming liberal) and his continued support for her know-it-all economic advisor known only in dark corridors as The Scarecrow, the Tin Man urged the body to end bi-partisan politics for the good of the nation.
Everyone’s favorite little dog, Toto, the lone intellectual in the group, is slated to host the presentation. It is common knowledge that he terrier-mix has set his sights on the Senate in 2016.
Despite engraved invitations and the promise of a free martini lunch following the talk, only three Congressmen are expected to attend. The other 432 will be out campaigning or playing golf with lobbyists.
– Xeno Phobichek
Glitzy Strip Seduces Casinos
(Colona) Three major casinos are currently negotiating the purchase of a strip of land on the border of Ouray and Montrose Counties. The corridor, dubbed Glitzy Strip, lies in neither county making it exempt from laws governing such recreative endeavors as gambling and whiskey making.
County officials fear the worst. The powerful gambling interests say they plan a tasteful development but can Colona maintain its distinct culture with the sounds of poker chips rattling and dice hitting the felt? Sure, some say it will help the economy but a majority questions the ability of the existing infrastructure to handle the impact.
“I don’t know if we can handle any more than 700 breakfasts in one morning,” flinched a waitress leaning on the good old days when Colona was a railroad town.
Ouray County planners sitting on both sides of the fence seem distracted by potential tax revenues from satellite businesses that they say will spring up. Ranching interests are firmly against the project saying that it’s hard enough to keep hired hands straight now without further distractions.
“I’ve got a good business already,” said one resident. “I didn’t move here to get rich. Western Colorado is a gamble enough without casinos.”
As of this morning Colona remains the only god-fearing community in the county with once-backwater Ridgway emulating Telluride and Ouray knee-deep in decadence.
– Suzy Compost
Low Riders Banned From Engineer
(Ouray) Persons operating low-rider vehicles, hydraulic shocks, space-age woodies, RVs and ruptured Humvees have been banned from Engineer Pass due to clearance considerations. The pass, notorious for deep ravines and mounds of shale, is a challenge for four-wheel-drives.
According to the Forest Service and Department of Transportation, street vehicles have no business traversing tight switch-backs and manipulating steep grades found on Engineer. Both say simple math can be employed to determine rate of success in negotiating the pass.
In addition to the hazards of height many of these banned vehicles simply don’t have the torque to make it to the top.
Hinsdale County officials have yet to decide what, if any action should be taken on their side of the pass. Many feel that if back country drivers make it to the top they should not be restricted on the descent. They remind all drivers to check their brakes before starting downhill.
LOCAL COWS STILL ON METRIC
Trouble in Paradise?
(Ridgway) Most readers are aware that back in April local bovines adopted the metric system and, since then the herds have been documenting and measuring sizes using that international standard. Unfortunately a problem exists in that cowboys still cling to the English system.
While the situation appears tolerable to the tinhorn, out here on the ranch the conflict grows with neither side willing to make concessions.
“When the cattle are in the pasture or the barn there’s really no operational problem,” said Dutch Butterfly, foreman of the X-Bar-None Ranch at Cow Creek. “It’s when we have to move the critters that the pies hit the fan.”
Butterfly added that branding and dehorning are also more difficult since the cows measure things one way and the cowboys another.
“It’s the same size brand and the same amount of horn we’re cutting off. It’s just lost in the translation,” he spat. “There’s enough to do trying to make a living out here without communication breakdowns.”
Actually it’s easy enough to convert from English to metric and back. For example: when changing miles to kilometers one simply multiplies the number of miles by the number of kilometers that make up one mile. When weighing hay stacks converting from pounds to kilograms is just as easy.
“These cows are generally a cooperative, but distant lot,” said Butterfly. “We don’t always know what they’re thinking out there chewing the cud and all. What’s gotten into them is hard to say but it all began when they went metric on us. Whenever anyone suggests they go back to the good old American measurement they start all that bawling and kicking and it’s just not worth the hassle.”
Butterfly said the spring roundup was a real mess in Ouray County with cows going one way and cowpunchers another. Feeding time became a struggle since daily allotments were subject to repeated question. Even water measurements got mixed up and had to be sorted out one cow at a time.
After two months of study the Western State University Math Department advised that, since the cows were mere livestock, it was up to the cowboys to adapt. That didn’t go down well either.
“Primates don’t kowtow to domestic herd animals,” said Butterfly. “It just ain’t right.”
Another veteran rancher, Slim Tinkleholland of Mill Creek, near Gunnison, told The Horseshoe that if cows were taught respect when they were still calves they wouldn’t get so uppity.
“Nobody here is belly-aching over bovine/heiffer desires to better themselves. It’s just that for centuries we’ve been a team and now they want to go and change a good thing,” he said. “The fact is that they are bred for meat and dairy and until that changes it’s the wrangler that’s boss.”
Tinkleholland reflected on a day last May when he and his ranch hands were moving a herd of cattle from Mill Creek to Jack’s Cabin.
“The head just didn’t know what the tail was doing,” he winced. When a cowboy hollered in inches the cows mooed in meters. At one point we feared that the dogs and horses would mutiny and adopt that damn metric count. By the time the afternoon was over we had Herefords spread from Almont to Baldwin. What a mess.”
– Small Mouth Bess
“The Dodgers are scared to death to come over the mountain and play some real baseball teams. We’d kick their asses.” – Western Slope resident, Melvin Arenado Toolski, 119, former baseball coach and body chemistry professor at Pine Beetle Institute.
SOLAR POWER – THE BIG LIE
(Ridgway) Of all the pinko-techno logic that has risen from the ashes, lauding the benefits of solar energy is the most ridiculous. The very idea that redirecting the power and heat of the sun for the benefit of modern man is not only silly but also it is also dangerous.
It is the apex of hype and deceit.
Harnessing the sun, or trapping solar energy (accepted at 1000 watts per square meter) is a mindless and misinformed pursuit carried out by 21st Century solar charlatans who have only one goal: separating the consumer from his hard-earned cash. Do people really fall for these pipe dreams, providing simple answers to ancient challenges such as keeping warm and generating power? Can’t architects and contractors see through the smoke and mirrors? The growing roster of victims runs all the way around the block. These are the poor unfortunates that been burned by false doctrines as to the contributions of the Sun.
Laced with all kinds of new age trip words, the solar energy equation states that stored heat of the sun can and will replace petroleum and coal if given the chance. How absurd. Those who embrace these juvenile wish lists are surely headed for a disaster of catastrophic dimensions. If solar-powered cars are so special why are all the gas stations doing such a booming business? Why do city folk continue turn up the thermostat? Why are chain saws so popular with country folk?
The misconceptions run rampant while solar engineers attempt to herd energy-starved optimists willing to embrace fictitious clean-air solutions. They don’t even begin to address the problem of solar waste preferring to turn their heads as byproducts are dumped indiscriminately, with no thought to the health of future generations.
Right now, ugly solar collectors cover the landscape like washing machines on the porches of progress. What are they collecting? I can clearly see a pile of coal but I can’t see stored energy. Moreover, what of the innocent little birds that fly into this evil apparatus and never again fly out again?
These emerging sci-fi shrines to sun worship are already dinosaurs compared to proven methods such as mining and offshore drilling. Take for instance the construction of solar towers all over the Southwest. These intrusive monuments to the big lie are killing our wildlife (there are bones and feathers everywhere) and allowing alien beings to monitor our every move from deep in outer space.
Up until now, no one actually owns the sun, but just wait. Plans are already in the works to charge the consumer for sunlight. Here in Colorado that tab could get really expensive since we now enjoy over 320 days of sun per year. Despite the invoice, what shall we do during the night when the sun is on the other side of the world? In order to resist these efforts to control and profit from the sun we must be aware of what is really happening under our collective noses.
The lies began centuries ago with temples to a variety of sun gods and goddesses. The Egyptians built alters to the sun while the Incas sacrificed victims to the sun gods who determined health, family and harvest. The Mochica, Nazca and Chimo were often more brutal, often blindfolding their prey then hurling them down steep stairways in the dark.
“It’s nothing but pagan prattle,” said Rory Phelps, coordinating director of primitive studies at the University of Downtown Delta. “Do you think it’s OK to throw a virgin into a smoking volcano to appease a sun god? People who buy into the solar lie are apt to accept almost anything but maybe the prospects are not as hot as they think.
Some decades later, the Prussians used solar-operated weaponry to subdue the Russians in World War I, highlighting the heinous side of applied science when it falls into the wrong hands. (As most readers will note: solar weaponry fell from favor with the introduction of atomic arsenals and nuclear delivery systems that make more noise).
An obviously airbrushed photo allegedly showing solar energy at work. I don’t see anything. Do you?
Academies across the country have joined a burgeoning group asking: “What happens if the sun burns out in, say, a million years…why the short-term investment?”
How much abuse before reserves dry up and the kingpin of our solar system goes dark causing temperatures to plummet and plants to die? What will these solar wizards offer then? What about all that coal that we left in the ground in our rush to welcome solar power? What about the stockpiles of oil hidden deep within the earth’s crust? Will we, as a society, leave it to rot?
The hocus pocus goes on. One former believer in Ridgway has changed his tune:
“I read the brochures and I thought solar energy was going to provide jobs,” he lamented. “I got up every morning and applied sun screen with a giant roller and nothing happened. It became increasingly tedious and the neighbors were talking. After a few frustrating weeks I tore down the collectors and took them to a recycling plant. Now I’m back to propane and loving it.”
Another surprised consumer, Melissa Johnson, of Log Hill said, “The solar sauna is hit or miss and won’t work on the north side of the house or at night when we want to soak off the grid.”
Other solar pretenders report that the technology doesn’t work on doublewides.
“Only the rich can harness solar,” said one man. “Renewable energy is not for the common working stiff.”
Creators of the Solar Consumption League, a power watchdog group opposed to the application of solar energy, reminds us that Ronald Reagan was the first to sound the alarm on solar.
“President Reagan further exposed the hoax taking down all of the solar panels of the White House in 1981. If solar technology was so good, would a president of the United States be stupid enough to discard it? C’mon.”
“Don’t be duped by all the propaganda,” said Josh Kent. “I’ve been a builder for 35 years and…I…I forgot what else I was going to say.”
And so goes the saga. The next thing you know they’ll expect us to believe that useable power can actually be generated by windmills or that we can create electricity with falling water.
Solar Chatter heard locally:
“It doesn’t work. It sucks.”
-Margot DeHavilande, local alternative energy critic
“I love the smell of a coal-fired nuclear
liquification plant in the morning.”
– Col. Worthington Bulbous, former chief of solar intelligence, KGB, LSMFT
