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New Years Resolutions Popular in ’24
It’s New Year’s Resolution season again but don’t despair, this is not one of those stupid resolution columns. It’s a stupid chronological resolution column. Although documented episodes of out with the old, in with the new proclamations exist throughout the annals of history, perhaps no year better exemplifies these tragic attempts to get back on track than the 24th year of each century. Conveniently enough, this enlightened harvest of historically linked passages arrived in our cognizant copy basket on New Year’s Eve. While we realize that there are a multitude of vows and pledges that have had far more impact on mankind, we have chosen to focus on resolutions that were actually kept. Despite other images that this piece may conjure up, it is apparent that the elements, the planets, and the gods have always looked favorably on 24th year resolution makers. It’s kind of a quarter century-eleventh hour thing. Long after Guana, an attractive Neanderthal princess, inhabiting Asia Minor in about 4000 BC, started her New Year by promising that she would get her family out of “this drafty old cave and into something modular”
St. Augustine continued the promises. Curiously enough it was January 1 in the 24th Year of the 6th Century. The stodgy bandwagon moralist had promised Pope Gregory he would convert Britain to Christianity. Two months later he baptized a leading antagonist, Ethelbert of Kent. Ethelbert would go on to become one of the most abrasive lounge singer/performers in Canterbury. Seeing what he had done, Augustine made a second resolution in which he promised never to discuss religion or politics. He then retired to a remote monastery to write his memoirs, which include the popular tune “Let’s Spend the Blight Together”.
Highlights of other maintained resolutions quite possibly include:
624 AD: Marauding Arabs, searching for the legendary oil reserves described by the Roman poet, Sinclair, sack Carthage mistaking it for suburban Byzantium. Their leader, Caliph Abdelmelik III, makes a New Year’s Resolution to start carrying a decent map into battle.
724 AD: Byzantine Empress Irene overthrows her son, Constantine, blinds him, and assumes sole power. She then proposes to marry Charlemagne. After repeated rejections of that conjugal arrangement, Irene promises to quite chasing men and to stop blinding people. Despite her sinful behavior she was later canonized by the Greek Church.
824: After a string of architectural disasters, early electrical contractor, Alfonso III, resolves only to wire castles built with drywall. Saracens, looking for an open service station, get into a gas war with Bulgarians. In January they make a resolution to put the the Holy Land on the market in order to pay for further military excursions into Europe.
924: On December 31 Danes promise to stop sacking the Irish Coast but they don’t say anything about rape and/or pillage. The Sultan of Ghanzi resolves to send his gums to the dentist once a year. Gondola operators in Venice pledge to go on strike until tips improve. A dramatic population explosion in China gives birth to the concept of 1/2 orders on sweet and sour pork. The Chinese guarantee effective birth control methods and dynasty-subsidized egg roll distribution by 926.
1024: The Cid takes Valentia from the Moors and promises to return it when he’s finished with his Christian remodel. Unfortunately it is mislabeled as a present to his precocious offspring who break it the day after Christmas.
1124: An assortment of holy men, including St Anthony of Padua and Chinese philosopher, Chu-Hsi promised to stop talking to the sky in public.
1224: Scots defeat British at Stirling Bridge and then again at Chevy Chase. King Edward I of England’s New Year’s Resolution is to refrain from playing his bagpipes before dawn. He instructs his troops to avoid looking up the kilts worn by anyone related to Robert Bruce.
1324: The Duke of Gloucester vows to stick to his diet in 1325 but is murdered before he can properly push himself away from his dining room table.
1424: Lucretia Borgia, daughter of Pope Alexander VI, shocks the Vatican by divorcing Giovanni Sforza and running off with the marginally elegant Alfonso of Naples. Her New Year’s Resolution: Don’t unpack until the ring is paid for. Michelangelo sculpts “Bacchus” and pledges to stop using profane language during his next project .
1524: Vasco de Gama rounds the Cape of Good Hope under the flag of Lisbon. However, after the check bounced, the explorer resolves that further business dealings with the Portuguese would be on a COD (not the fish) basis. The Second Spanish Armada is scattered by storms in the Atlantic. Spanish King Phillip II makes a resolution to start watching the Weather Channel in 1525. He further pledges to move out of mom and dad’s basement by summer.
1624: Peter the Great’s luggage is once again lost during a journey through Prussia, Holland, England and Vienna. He makes the trek disguised as Peter Michailoff in order to study European ways. In January of 1625 he vows to travel with only a carry on.
1724: Casanova drops dead moments after vowing to stop chasing young women. After taking Vienna, Napoleon resolves to keep an extra pair of dry socks in his pack. He then exhorts his tired soldiers to “let the good times roll”. Headhunters in New Guinea make their first New Year’s Resolution: To eat only vegetarians. Court of Versailles promises to clean its Venetian blinds once a month.
1824: The citizens of Savage Basin, Colorado pledge to stop carousing and staying up late. That temperate climate hangs over the town to this day, especially on January 1. Old Man Roberts, proprietor of Tuller and Roberts Grocery vows to stop bitching and chewing tobacco when he has to cut up a chicken. Mrs. Williams, a cook at the Victor Restaurant in Ophir, promises to stop burning her husband’s toast. “Shorty” Bridgeman, “the racker salesman” resolves to stop spitting while during conversations. Dr. Copp, a Durango dentist vows to stop drinking before oral surgery. The United States government promises to uphold all future treaties with the Ute Nation since most of the latter have already been relocated to Utah anyway.
1924: World leaders, including Bill Clinton and Boris Yeltsin make a New Year’s Resolution to hold their collective breaths until world peace is achieved.
2024 World leaders attend a Conference on Global Warming, leaving their stretch limousines running so as to make an effective escape if someone smells a fossilized rat in the proceedings.
Kevin Haley, a drugstore historian of ample note, resides in Antioquia, Colombia and summers in downtown Colona where he watches live political soap operas unfold, and publishes the sanjuanhorseshoe.com. His New Year’s Resolution is to visit the United States often to tend to his lavish cannabis digs and breed miniature paso finos.
LOW-CAL CHRISTMAS STAMPS RELEASED
(Denver) The United States Postal Service has announced plans to release some 400,000 low calorie Christmas stamps in time for the holidays. The stamps, featuring Santa Claus and other celebrated Yuletide icons, will be first-class and available at the window on December 31.
The stamps are a colorful bit of Americana, appropriate to the season and contain less than three calories. Customers who prowl the post office hallways have for long complained about health considerations when purchasing stamps. Of course, the benefits of the low-cal stamps are only apparent when one licks the back of them. A self-adhesive batch, mistakenly produced last month, will be saved for emergencies.
If the promotion is a success consumers should expect to be assaulted by a grand array of theme stamps throughout the year. Next up: Heart-shaped stamps for Valentines Day and 50-cent stamps for April Fools.
-Uncle Pahgre
Deadline for hibernation permits draws near
(Bland Valley) Residents who wish to hibernate this winter have until Thursday to obtain official Colorado Hibernation Permits. The procedure is simple enough, as applicants must only stop by the nearest Division of Wildlife office to pick up the needed forms.
“We have begun to closely monitor hibernation since more and more people have expressed interest in this winter diversion,” said Melvin Toole, Director of Latent Dormancy for the Western Slope. “This, combined with the population explosion here, has made cave space a premium and has threatened to disrupt the peace and quiet enjoyed for centuries by innocent fur-bearing animals.”
In addition to a small fee, persons wishing to enter this torpid state must also undergo a hibernation safety course, which is offered on Saturdays until January.
“In effect, this is an extended deadline,” smiled Toole, “and we hope participants will be kind to our clerks when registering. We know you’re tired but getting testy with our people will only make matters worse.”
– Dolores Alegria
Jesus, Mohammed To Meet in Gaza
(Hebron, Occupied West Bank) The long awaited summit between Jesus Christ and Mohammed (no last name available) appears to be on track. Preliminary negotiations are set for mid-July with a formal eight-nation summit slated for early February.
Focusing on the continuing Gaza conflict, the meetings will be characterized by heightened security, international fanfare and perhaps even a glimmer of hope. Already pilgrims from both sides of the doctrinal fence have been gathering throughout the world to ask for direction and to hammer out final plans. As one might expect, navigation through the endless differences of opinion has been tainted with arguments, and in some case, violence.
Sources in both the Israeli and Palestinian camps say they hope to control their multitudes so as to proceed with these earth-shattering matters.
“We hope that the faithful on both sides don’t get carried away with religious fervor and wreck this one opportunity for peace,” said a source in Jerusalem. “If we can keep the talks simple and limit the negative influence on the two leaders we may actually accomplish something by the fall.”
Both Jesus and Mohammed have agreed publicly they would like to see the opposing sides come to some agreement that might end the century-long stand-off between land-grabbing Zionists and radical Muslims.
According to inside sources the two religious icons will arrive in Jerusalem so as to prepare for what promises to be a hectic schedule.
“Breaking bread is no easy matter when we have two super-prophets at the same table,” continued the source. “Both are used to being the center of attention with respect to their connection with The Man Upstairs. Fortunately they do agree that it’s the same all-knowing spirit.”
It was still not clear whether each leader would bring along an entourage of disciples or go it alone.
“We firmly believe that if we can create a scenario where both icons are relaxed and isolated from their followers we can accomplish great things. Here, once again we have two great prophets who agree on the basics but due to centuries of human interpretation have come to be perceived as opposites,” continued the source. “This is no ecclesiastical weight-in and we don’t expect stare-downs or stand-offs.”
Yesterday Islamic fundamentalists in Cairo and in the city of Bugaboo, in central Iran, set cars on fire and pelted authorities with dirt balls chanting “Sod is Great!” while explosions could be heard from Mecca to Medina. Simultaneously Christian clerics have called for demonstrations in support of their cause with Saturday night book burnings, evangelical fish fries and a armed candlelight march on neighborhood mosques.
“It’s the fundamentalists on both sides that are to blame for the problem,” our source said. “They both want the power. They both want control. None of it has to do with the daily status of their flocks. It’s all based on fear of the unknown and a desire to appear righteous in the face of us and them philosophies. What we need now, as forever, is a little tolerance,” he offered.
Nations participating in the historical summit, hosted by Jordan, include Saudi Arabia, Egypt, Indonesia, Libya, Germany, France, Britain and the United States. It is still not clear whether Israel or the Palestinians would be seated.
Conflicts as to the present site of the meetings were defused Friday with the announcement that decorum and general protocol would follow Christian scripture and that a follow-up parley would be held at a locale deep in Bible Belt, USA. In addition the two sides agreed that the event would be catered by Rasputin’s Kosher-Khaleeji Deli with outlets in Brooklyn and Queens.
Meanwhile the rock concert atmosphere builds as United Nations security forces begin constructing bunkers, trenches and other checkpoints in an attempt to keep the faithful on both sides from killing each other. An announcement yesterday that the worshipped icons would appear in business suits, rather than traditional robes, created quite a stir among the more orthodox on both sides and as far away as the garment district in Hong Kong.
Attempts to contact the Creator by phone last evening proved unproductive as He was reportedly either in a meeting and could not be disturbed or had gone on an extended fishing trip.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
La Madre Naturaleza completa clases de manejo de la ira
(Delta) Una Madre Naturaleza claramente relajada ha completado con éxito aquí las clases de manejo de la ira ordenadas por la corte en un tiempo récord, lo que lleva incluso a los cínicos a creer que se ha calmado. En los últimos años se han producido huracanes, sequías y deshielo polar a un ritmo sin precedentes que han llevado a la sentencia obligatoria.
“No podemos decir si ha sido rehabilitada o si simplemente está montando un espectáculo”, dijo un consejero emocional que dice que le gustan las tormentas eléctricas.
Aunque está en libertad condicional sin supervisión, durante los próximos dos años la Madre Naturaleza tendrá plena movilidad y acceso a sus antiguos asociados al viento y la lluvia.
“Es fácil ver por qué se enojó en primer lugar”, dijo el consejero. “Qué te parecería que la gente destrozara tu jardín?”
Las autoridades están esperando y observando cómo se emprenderán nuevas acciones legales contra el ex acusado.
“Se dio cuenta de que eran espíritus vivientes, sus raíces enterradas en la tierra oscura, absorbían la energía del sol y la esencia de la luna, humedecidos por la lluvia y el rocío, entendían los caminos de los cielos y las lógica de la tierra. El color del sorgo sugería que el sol ya había teñido el oscuro horizonte de un patético rojo”.
– Padre en Sorgo Rojo de Mo Yan.
First Test Tube Cell Phone Stable
(Denver) The nation’s first artificially bred cell phone is alive and doing well in incubation here. What this could do to the already burgeoning over-tech industry is anyone’s assessment.
In a prepared statement the proxy parents, God and Country Electronics, of Little Rock, expect that their off-spring phone will “relieve the blur between reality and fantasy, but not too much.”
“We don’t want any of our clients to start thinking,” smiled Dude Hectare, who has most of his teeth still. People who think realize they don’t need our crap and before you know it they stop laying out thousands to satisfy their pop culture egos. They think flashy cell phones make them cool and we don’t want to tip the turnip cart on this one.”
Critics of the entire biological explosion conclude that maters are definitely out of hand.
“Things started to go south around the time the Sumerians learned to talk with strings and tin cans,” said the Hectare…or was it when Napoleon discovered s party line in place at Waterloo? I can’t recall the GPS coordinates.”
Readers may recall that these same inventors recently patented a wooden, windowed comfort station that would in theory grace Scenic Views all over Colorado. The Pee-And-See is self-contained and never needs emptying. Custom ocean and night sky views are available. Flat terrain, night travel, chuckhole consultation and epic highway construction are in the sights of a bevy of planners.
Sadly these innovative boobs took a cowardly night flight to avoid creditors, social ostracism and banishment from the local chamber of commerce.
“Another failure won’t stop us!” said a principle as he did mobile gymnastics on main street before skidding across the border into the abyss.
-Tommy Middlefinger
“A deeper comprehension of the ocean’s waves cannot be ascertained with one’s head in the sand.” – Dag Katz
