All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category

A Question of Mental Health

(The scene is the entryway of an ubiquitous mental health facility somewhere in Western Colorado. It is just after lunch and most of the patients are engaged in therapeutic siesta which could last well into medication hour and/or dinner.)

21st Century Man: Pardon me, but I’d like to inquire about admission.

Nurse Thorazine: Sorry, we’re full. Go away.

21st Century Man: But I’m nuts.

Nurse Thorazeen: Can you prove it?

21st Man: Well, I’m out of control most of the time. I just pulled in the reins to make it down here. I could go off at any moment.

Nurse: That’s what they all say.

21st Man: OK. You win. I’ll prove it. Watch this…

(The 21st Century Man proceeds to eat all of the #2 pencils carefully arranged on the admittance desk then begins banging his head on the reception counter…harder and harder with each repetition.)

Nurse: All right! All right…that’s just about enough of that shameful display. You’ll wake up the clients. Just because you eat a few pencils and bang your head on the desk doesn’t necessarily mean you’re crazy.

21st Man: Well then, tell me, what does then?

Nurse: A history of mental illness would be nice. Have you ever been under psychiatric care?

21st Man: Not that I can recall. Wait, I did talk to a school counselor once, about twenty-five years ago.

Nurse: Can you document it?

21st: I doubt whether anyone keeps records that far back.

Nurse: Hmmmm. I’d like to help you but rules are rules and it’s about time for this meeting to end. You must have the proper credentials or we can’t admit you. Do you have any idea how many people come in here everyday claiming to be nuts?

21st: But I am really nuts!

Nurse: Now there’s no reason to raise our voice. You think you are special?

21st: Didn’t you ever see Catch 22 where the hero cannot convince the battalion shrink that he’s crazy enough for a section 8 after uncountable bombing missions, just because he is sane enough to seek one?

Nurse: He probably failed to produce the required paperwork.

21st: Where would I get that…the proper paperwork.

Nurse: We have doctors here that can perform an initial diagnosis, but they are all quite busy right now. If you insist on pursuing this why not take a seat. You’ll find a wide array of medications in the ash trays because, of course, this is a non-smoking facility. Do you smoke?

21st: No

Nurse: Do you have insurance. 

21st: Yes, I pay over $750 per month but it doesn’t cover mental health.

Nurse: It’s up to you. I have to get back to work.

21st: Oh well, I guess I’ll wait for the initial diagnosis. I’ll be just as crazy in an hour as I am right now.

CONTINUED NEXT MONTH 

Visiting our Civil War battlefields

In recognition of the 160th Anniversary of several major battles in the American Civil War, Lake City residents Sam and Matilda Heartfelt traveled to Chancellorsville, Virginia; Vicksburg, Mississippi and Gettysburg, Pennsylvania to view the once heavily contested terrain. Little did they know that we installed a secret listening device in the ash tray of their Flexible Fleet-wheel Lamsteed Kampkar so as to keep close tabs on their conversations for the three week trip.

Week One: Chancellorsville, Virginia. 

We pick up the action upon the arrival of the Heartfeldes:

Matilda—“If Union general Hooker would not have been so hesitant and had showed some calm under fire,  standing firm rather than  retreating to the confines of the town, he might have easily defeated Lee who had already split his undermanned army and could not have had the punch to knock out an overwhelming force,” 

Sam— “Nonsense. Hooker was simply being cautious and adopting a defensive position. Look at the Confederate casualties and you will see that he was right. The South may have won the day but at a terrible cost of men and supplies.”

Matilda—“You think that just because you caught a few History Channel segments you are some expert. It was my relatives who fought while yours bought their way out of inscription.”

Sam—”And that was probably the last honorable thing any of your worthless relatives accomplished since…

Matilda—My family fought a Celtic war for the glory of the South while yours hid behind mother’s apron just like you. I must have been out of my mind to marry a man who has no sense of history much less a sense of the present. I must have been mad to think I could spend three weeks on the road with an imbecile. You sleep on the pull out couch tonight.

Week Two: Vicksburg, Mississippi

Sam—”Sure is hot this morning.

Matilda—”No it isn’t. It’s balmy for this neck of the woods.

Sam—The thermometer on the camper says 95 and its not even noon.

Matilda—That thing isn’t accurate. I told you not to buy the cheap one. What’s up with the air-conditioning? It doesn’t seem to be functioning.

Sam—Oh I forgot to refill the freon. I figured we could rough it for a few days in honor of the men who fought here.

Matilda—What a stupid idea. Don’t ever do that without asking me first.

Sam—According to this map the siege began in May and six weeks later the Rebels surrendered giving the Yankees control of the Mississippi and effectively splitting the South in two.

Matilda—History always looks simple to simple minds. You just love to hear yourself talk, don’t you. Your knowledge of this battle could fit inside a bottle cap and your choice of campsites is particularly annoying. Look how far we are from the bathrooms.

Sam—But we’re self-contained

Matilda—In your dreams. You forgot to flush the system and it’s backed up, moron. I’m spending the night in a hotel and far away from you. 

Sam—Good. I won’t be here when you come back.

Week Three: Gettysburg, Pennsylvania

Matilda— If Lee would have adopted a more defensive position from day one he might have won a victory instead of having to high-tail it back home.

Sam—Maybe,

Matilda—What do you mean Maybe? It’s clear that charging into a fortified position with fewer troops is a recipe for military disaster.

Sam―Not always.

Matilda: Oh, I see you’re still pouting from Vicksburg. 

Sam—I am not pouting. II’ve never pouted in my life. If I did it wouldn’t be over the likes of you. I’m just tired of listening to you go on about things you don’t understand. I’m sick of the way you dress. Your food stinks, you wear too much makeup and you snore.

Matilda—You’re one to talk. You scurry around in those bib overalls with that stupid Rockies’ hat, with chew spilling out the side of your mouth. You never had the least bit of ambition and your dog is worthless.

Sam—Your dog ran away.

Matilda—No she didn’t. You purposely ran her over with the car.

Sam―That’s not true. I was watching out for your mother in the driveway when that dog started yapping…

Matilda—Don’t blame my mother for this. She was right about you. No backbone. No integrity. The poor woman has been depressed ever since I married you.

Sam—Why don’t you just shut up and watch the battle reenactment. Maybe a stray bullet will find you and I can enjoy the rest of my life in peace.

Matilda—Why must you be so hateful. Oh no…look at the gas gauge. You forgot to get gas! We’ll be stranded.

Sam—There’s enough gas to get back to town. If not, you can walk in for fuel. Maybe you’ll shed a few pounds in the process.

Sam and Matilda will present a slide show of their wonderful trip at the Lake City Armory this fall.

“I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.”  – W.C. Fields

Denver seizes Rockies in Keystone Feat

(Greeley) The City and County of Denver, reportedly tired of bad baseball and shoddy management  in an uproarious baseball town has formally seized the assets and daily operations of the National league West’s basement team, the Colorado Rockies.

In what has been called “an appropriation”, high ranking, city hall officials contend that “the current performances at Coors Field and in stadiums around the country are causing irreparable damage to baseball and are sullying the image of Colorado.”

They say the culture of losing is thwarting the normal athletic development of local youth and pissing-off grandmothers and irritating grandfathers.

The dire action has been expected for some time. The drastic step of commandeering the team was engineered from the very beginning with anger and finally boycott of all things Rocky until the Greeley Meat People are forced out of the grim picture.

“It’s less a pugnacious, belligerent seizure, more a peaceful acquisition, with its share of drama, Socrates to Shakespearean,” said an official press release from the mayor’s office.

Already the entire Rockies’ infield has embraced vegetarianism in a passive-aggressive protest against bad trades and poor decisions going back to the DJ LeMahieu – Daniel Murphy fiasco. The Nolan Arenado and Trevor Story bungling was the final straw.

“These carpetbagger feed lot buddies don’t care bout the fans or building a competitive team. They only care about profits. It is painfully clear that there were no new agendas developing,” said the source. “We looked down the road and saw no attempts to remedy the disaster or willingness to sustain solid acquisitions on the horizon.”

The gov’ment officials say a turn around may take some time but that improvements would be clearly visible from day one. Several stockholders welcomed the news agreeing that the Monforts would not be missed. Whispers on South Broadway confirmed chatter that the team would be run by the city and county until an appropriate buyer can be isolated. Already several baseball entities have come forward and expressed interest.

The ledgers look good even if the scorecard does not. The franchise is clearly a gold mine for the right ownership group.

NL Officials, stunned by the swift, bloodless  takeover are calling it a Coup d’ Diamond. This confiscation (Some call it an official condemnation) is the first of its kind in any major professional sport. Even hacks such as Al Davis or George Steinbrenner were sent packing this way. 

The former lackluster management, reportedly held at an undisclosed location near the Wyoming frontier, is awaiting future assignment somewhere in the bush league.

And Denver could be baseball town again.

– Rocky Flats

“Almost nothing trickles down, fools. The rich hoard it. Why do you think the sky is so blue? Why do you think their kids are rich?” – Henny Penny in It’s Trickling Down Your Leg and Other Poems

FIRST FOURTH OF JULY BARBECUE A REAL BASH

by Ripple Van Winkle, whose ancestors never agreed to sign anything

“I may never attend another tea party as long as I live”

       – King George III of  England, in response to protests in Boston Harbor, 1773.

“Who brought the potato salad?”

– Josiah Bartlett, of New Hampshire, about an hour after the reading of the first draft of the Declaration of Independence, July 4, 1776

The tradition of the Fourth of July barbecue has been with us for damn near 250 years. Appropriately enough, the first one was celebrated while the ink was still wet on a noted document that declared the independence of the Thirteen American Colonies from Great Britain.* 

Since the end of the French and Indian War tension between the British Crown and the Colonies had increased significantly. The conflict had left the  royal treasury depleted. The British were real estate poor and needed cash run the empire. The solution? Raise taxes in the Colonies and tighten customs controls. After all, in the eye of the Crown, the Americans had benefited most from the French defeat and somebody had to pay the caddie.

Many of the Colonists responded by harassing tax and custom officials and blood was shed. In Boston, in 1770 British redcoats opened up on protesters over on King Street, killing five. Spoiling for a fight, the Sons of Liberty jumped on the propaganda bandwagon, dubbing the bumbling incident a massacre, calling it The Shot Heard Round the World. Actually, according to ear-witnesses, the shot was heard only about as far as Concord but that little truth would not have allowed for the impact on potential supporters.

In 1773 angry Colonists hosted the Boston Tea Party and in the spring of 1775 at Lexington the fighting erupted between Yankee farmers and British regulars.

The next year, on July Fourth, with hostilities in full swing, all of the Colonies except New York voted in favor of the now completed Declaration of Independence. New York adopted it on July 11, one week after a barbecue thrown by the Continental Congress. Historians still cannot agree as to whether the New Yorkers brought the slaw or a three-bean salad but despite an afternoon of candid, often controversial exchanges the the Tory-infested colony joined the rebellion.

We eavesdrop on that fateful July 4, at about 2:30 in the afternoon: A group of revolutionaries including Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Franklin, John Adams, Samuel Chase, John Hancock, William Whipple and Francis Lightfoot Lee are standing around a large pit where turkeys, venison and sausage were being cooked. The accents range from Yankee twang to southern drawl. 

Whipple: …I don’t know Tom, I’m all for this all men are created equal business but I’m afraid we could be in for one ass kickin.

Jefferson: You worry too much, Bill, the  British are far too busy with the French to pay us any mind. Besides, we’re half a world away.  After a few months King George’s redcoats will be in full flight, tails between their legs.

Adams: That may be wishful thinking, Tom. King George seems obsessed. He calls us a mob of insolent, petty lawyers. His doctors have even warned him about getting too excited about planning the war. I don’t expect him to back off. Our spies say he’s already hired regiments of Hessians to do his bidding.

Chase: Damn! Hessians would be nothing! Will those green horseflies give us no peace? I knew it was a mistake to rent this hall across from the livery stable!

Lee: Miserable creatures akin to British tax assessors.

Hancock: How are those ribs coming, Sam? All this prime scuttlebutt has made me quite hungry.

Chase: I’m just about to add the sauce, John. It was concocted by one of my slaves. The sausages are just about ready. Hand me the spatula and I’ll turn them again.

Franklin: Has anyone seen George Washington? He said he’d make the trip down from New York today.

Lee:  He’s probably still busy watching the British fleet come up the Hudson. Have we established an official position on his expense account yet? It’s nice that he’s agreed to run this whole shooting match without a salary but somebody had better keep an eye on his taste for the good life. His sherry bill alone could put us all in the poor house before we put a bonafide army in the field.

Whipple: Speaking of money, we really don’t have the authority to spend a penny nor to levy taxes to fight a war. We were lucky to raise money for this barbecue.

Franklin: All things in good time.  My dealings with the French have opened new doors. It is our sacred duty to continue the struggle against tyranny with empty pocketbooks if necessary. The will of a free people is powerful.

Hancock: Just who are we including on this holy roster, Doctor Franklin? What about the Indians? What about the slaves? I don’t see any women among our group of eager signers.

Lee: Now see here, John, up in Massachusetts, you’ve got a slew of hot headed ideas. You’ve also got a slew of indentured servants running around while, out of the other side of your mouth, you condemn slavery in the South. Slavery is just a matter of economics, boy. It’s nothing personal. Let’s kick the Brits out first, then we’ll deal with domestic matters.

Jefferson: It does sound a bit hypocritical now that you mention it, but the revolution will not survive without the support of the slave owners. Maybe we could change the wording in the first paragraph. How does some men are created equal grab you?

Whipple: It’s too late. Our declaration is already at the printers. Besides, most of the fringe element cannot read anyway.

Franklin: Either way I think we have defined a set of timeless democratic principles…

Adams: That’s nice, Doctor, but let’s get back to this “all men being created equal matter. Is that everybody or just white males who read and write and own land?

Franklin: It’s not just everyone who’s here now. It includes all the people who will come to these shores in the future.

Whipple: Immigrants? I never considered that a break with the Empire will open us up to hordes of the tired and poor. Do you want a bunch of ragamuffin foreigners roaming the streets of Philadelphia, Doctor Franklin?

Franklin: I don’t see that we have a choice. We have to include everyone.

Lee: Nonsense. We have to keep the lid on or we will become the minority in our own land. 

Jefferson: It may appear to some that we have acted hastily and that reconciliation with the Crown is the logical outcome of our efforts…

Franklin: Reconciliation is no part of anyone’s plan. It’s submission or the sword. Our only alternative to independence is slavery.

Adams: Slavery for who?

Chase: Slavery for slaves, John. You Yankees just can’t seem to get a grip, can you.

Jefferson: Gentlemen, let’s not argue over issues yet to be addressed. We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Adams: And then what happens when we want to get to the other side?

Lee: Gentlemen, please, let’s not let politics get in the way of our stomachs. Looks like the table is prepared. Let’s eat.

Hancock: Not so fast, Francis. I think my esteemed colleague from Massachusetts is on to something. Surely the French will be laughing up their silk sleeves at our brashness. I think we had better decide the slavery issue now.

Chase: Your food’s getting cold, John. First we have to send King George packing, then we can talk this over. I’m sure we’ll come to the right conclusions. After all, we are honorable men. Try some of these ribs. They’re delicious, and the eagle’s not half bad either.

*The actual signing of the declaration didn’t take place until August 2  but here, for the convenience of all, the author ascends to the divine right of historical embellishment . In addition, it is virtually impossible to determine if everyone holds a barbecue on that date.

    

Congress Cuts Space Budget, Strands Astronauts

(Warshington) In the latest bout of partisan politics the United States Congress today cut spending on NASA and other space programs, many that have been in existence since the Kennedy years. The cuts came abruptly and as much of a surprise to insiders here in the nation’s capital.

     Unlike other budgetary considerations, this move is effective immediately and sadly leaves at least 7 astronauts floating around in outer space. The funds, earmarked to return the space travelers to earth in the next 15 days, are no longer in the coffer and therefore cannot be used to bring them home.

     The legislation comes as a shock to many Democrats who insist the fault herein lies with the Republicans. Members of the GOP blame the demise of the program on tax and spend Democrats who they say can’t stop writing checks.

     The Pentagon budget and criminal tax breaks for corporate giants are not affected by the cuts.

     Informed of the development, several astronauts expressed concern but agreed that they would be grounded sooner or later.

     “We have enough chemical food and oxygen to last two more weeks,” said Aurora B. Alice, one of the first female astronaut pioneers to orbit the earth back in 1979. “I know how these lawmakers look at ground level but they look even sillier and sometimes sinister, from up here.”

     Critics say the Congress is desperate to make changes and that the entire body seems disoriented. Many of the members on both sides of the aisle have taken to talking to themselves and exhibiting forgetfulness on a grand scale. One Republican Senator from Alabama could not remember where to meet his limo while a Democrat from Vermont could not remember the names of his servants. Another has been giving away gifts from lobbyists.

     Maybe we could take the money out of Social Security and Medicare,” suggested rookie astronaut Melvin Toolski, even though it doesn’t belong to us. Or maybe we could lower minimum wage. I for one am tired of giving it all away to the poor. What do they contribute?” he asked.

     Meanwhile the United States Air Force, which reported a hefty surplus in 2012, has offered to rescue the astronauts. 

     “It was either NASA or NPR,” said one Republican Representative from Ohio. “So we don’t want to hear lot of whining from the liberals.”

– Alfalfa Romeo

Put a lid on it

Rumors flying all about our mountain valleys are all false but some could be true. Most are the result of someone’s fantasies or fears and should be not taken as fact unless the real fasts are too painful and denial sets in. Sit quietly.

Many Colona Properties Still on Block

Sanctioned Russian oligarch did not buy Colona. If he were sanctioned how would he have raised the cash? What does this mean anyway? Is Colona sanctioned? All approval and threat aside could the rest of Ouray County sanction Colona if she wanted to move farther away from Highway 550 during the collective construction.

Roundabouts swallow up seven so far in ’23

(Montrose) Seven disappearances of local motorists have been blamed on what doctors call Roundabout Dysfunction “We have reached seven so far this year with four unaccounted for since June 15. Our most recent victim, Queen Antrappe, former runner-up beauty queen from El Cajon, was proceeding south at the popular Woodgate Roundabout on Thursday has reportedly resurfaced after going missing for over a week.

“I was on my way to Chicken Bay when this cattle truck cut me off – I don’t remember anything after that. Her cats Faith, Hope, and Charity, her constant companions who were traveling with Antrappe in the 2002 Corolla were recovered unharmed. Antrappe was cheated and released at a local pill dispensary and sent to Parlin for observation.

Summer Gunnison Manger scene brings out our worst 

Armed groups have gathered in apprehension of violence over the location of a summer manger scene. Past fairy tale controversies had limited themselves to December but now with mega churches and Jesus commercials on TV in-your-face religion is again center stage. 

“We can’t have these barbarian Bethlehem controversies again and certainly not at that holy time of the year. Do you realize that we cash out in December. It’s the most lucrative time in retail.” an anonymous Wise Man attending a symposium here entitled Just Who Was in the Manger? 

90% of the actors in the play were destitute migrant workers and most of the paltry livestock was already betrothed  by the Year 1. Yet the guests of honor ascended their inherited paradise and settled in wicker chairs with a casks of single malt and a fly swatter. Snubbed by the exclusive entourage, King Herod, declared a bank holiday and planned his revenge. Lamenting past failures within the confines of infantricide Herod was said to be in an awful state.

“My empire for a bucket of worm castings”     – V. Ethyl Parvenu, organic gardener