GOP slaps gag order on Trump

The Republican Party today announced a strict gag order aimed at tempering both Donald Trump and JD Vance. It is the first attempt to control recent mouth damage emanating from the two candidates.

Targeting sinking poll numbers among women, minorities and independents the GOP appears intent on silencing what it calls destructive, sloppy, racist, vulgar and vain attempts by the former president to shoehorn himself into the limelight.

The briar attack dog JD Vance, whose wistful, pseudo-religious attempts to take the nation back 100 years, have set off alarms from Idaho to Alabama, was reportedly warned that he “could be replaced’, according to a Senator who demanded animosity.

These two have overstepped themselves within a political party often quite happy to ignore such ugly rhetoric if it means assuring an American Taliban administration in Washington.

Both gag orders come with fiscal penalties for non-compliance. Trump and Vance have been shown red cards and may not be able to campaign again until October. One more infraction could put them in the penalty box for 10 to 20.

Fears that childless cat ladies are arming themselves and that voters are tediously tired of listening to bullies, the Republicans “hope to mellow the message” according to the same Senator. Several cheered the move, pointing to a overdue purges and a serious house cleaning in 2025.

Maybe we could return to the days when we actually stood for something,” said the source.

In a related piece Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump would be seated in coach on the first manned Martian voyage slated for 2026. Both expressed disappointment in the arrangement and at the exclusion from a more privileged perch. They expressed concerns about window seating,  persons of color on the spaceship and missing a connecting flight due to the proletarian seating.

-Muriel Armbruster