All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category
FAVORITE TOURIST TRAPS
Are you visiting our world this fall? If so here is a preferred
selection of attractions even you won’t want to miss!
PEA GREEN CONSERVATORY RUINS – This architectural prototype once housed the infamous Pea Green Kazoo Orchestra and was the scene of the last pancake breakfast attended by William McKinley before his untimely assassination by an anarchist in 1901. Over the years, the orchestra played before such music lovers as King Edward VII, Talulah Bankhead, Oliver Heaviside, J.P. Morgan, Joan Crawford, and last but never least…Thomas E. Dewey who remains buried six feet under the rhythm section.
WORLD’S LARGEST MARTINI – Located off Highway 135 near the former Rockey River Resort Complex. This 700-foot cocktail was erected after the first Heeny Tick Festival in 1907 (or was in ’08?). It requires the constant attention of some 130 full-time employees just to keep the thing cold. Funding cuts over the past few years have discouraged operations in the winter months when most thirsty residents switch to brandy or schnapps anyway. Official records estimate that it cost $6500 dollars per day to keep the facility open and that takes into account the low cost pretend water generated power plant that was built with state lottery money in 1989. Guided tours are available on the half hour with a minimal admission fee of $12 (non-imbiber) and $175 (full services). A massive martini pipeline, that could supply some six counties with the beverage is on the drawing board and may be completed by Rockies’ season. Just for kicks don’t miss the Old Timer Vermouth Mill located just three miles east of Olive’s Gift Shop at Big Ol’ Grandma’s RV World.
SAGEBRUSH HOLOCAUST MUSEUM – This eerie monument seeks to honor the native sagebrush that is destroyed by bulldozers and asphalt each year. It was located in Peach Valley as of last night.
HISTORIC MOTEL ROW – Located in Gunnison, this historical district has been completely restored and preserved for future generations. Many of the structures are available by the night or week but summer rates are never reasonable. Take a walk back into the past as some of these motels were built as early as 1956. Park at Parlin and proceed west until you see the flashing lights! Self-contained RVs welcome. Sorry but due to the ineffectiveness of the Gunnison Hysterical Society the landmark LaVeta Hotel, once perched on Boulevard Avenue, no longer exists.
SLATE RIVER WHITE BUFFALO RANCH View the rare white buffalo, an animal considered sacred by the Utes. No set hours. Either the buffalo are there or they are not. Watch the illegal parking on shouldered Highway 135. Located between Almont and Jack’s Cabin adjacent to the Roaring Judy Trout Internment Center, which is closed to the public Monday through Friday and on weekends.
FASTEST TRAFFIC LIGHT IN THE WEST Located at the intersection of Main and Townsend in Montrose. Wagon trains passing through this valley in the early part of the century are still waiting to negotiate this stretch of road. After you enjoy a visit to this signal be sure to stop at the Slowest Traffic Light in the West located one street north.Snap a picture of the dumbest left turn lane in North America.
JURASSIC LEACH FIELD – This ancient collection of dinosaur dung can be enjoyed by taking Highway 50 to Whitewater then turning west into Unaweep Canyon. Proceed along Highway 141 past the Umetco nuclear sugar beet processing plant at Snyder Flats and on to the Pablo Escobar Landing Strip at Castro Draw. Cut back southeast on the dirt road to Tenderfoot Mesa and listen for poorly sponsored tap dancing. Since the remains are not totally petrified, forest rangers caution visitors to hold their noses, wear old shoes and carry ample fly swatters in their vehicles. (Please clean up after your dog).
TOOTHBRUSH RECYCLING PLANT – Located in downtown Novocain next to the Halitosis Toothpaste Tailings at the mouth of Stale Breath Gulch. See thousands of discarded toothbrush handles being forged into alarm clocks for export to the Far East. The bristles are melted down and turned into second-rate AstroTurf. We suggest one avoid this massive dental display while Lauren Boebert is in office. She and her entourage have this attraction circled and have tied up all motel rooms within a radius of fifty miles.
THE GIANT HOUSE – Located on Ouray’s chic Oak Street, this 700,000 square foot structure was actually larger than the state of Rhode Island before the fire. Decorated with treasures pillaged from an assortment of Third World cultures the Giant House is designed to sink into the surrounding rocks in the event of a nuclear attack. Make sure identification papers are in order upon entering the lush grounds, as custodians are somewhat trigger-happy. Schedule your visit to the Giant House between noon and two and catch some pomp and circumstance with the precision changing of the realtors at the gatehouse of this exclusive development.
These are only a few of the many attractions that await the visitor to Western Colorado. For a complete listing and further information on educational and illuminating tours and packages stop into your local tourist information booth. Tell them you’re Butch Cassidy and you’re looking for a few sticks of dynamite and an automatic teller machine. They probably won’t get it anyway.
CAUTION: Do not heed the advice of seemingly friendly denizens as these reprobates take extreme pleasure in misleading the innocent. Although creative and dramatic in delivery, they will lie to you at every turn causing much consternation and an immoral waste of gasoline. NEVER confront them in their prevarications as they are all well armed, even the children.
– Uncle Pahgre
Shark Attacks Add to Offshore Banking Woes
(Bermuda Triangle) A sudden rise in violent shark attacks had thrown yet another wrench in off-shore banking operations already beset by rising water and even an occasional pirate incursion in the Caribbean.
The fish seem to have turned more aggressive as the deposits grow. They have been blamed for serious interruption of cash flow and several deaths in the lower berths of this tax evasive banking industry team. In addition many accounts, established as long ago as 1990 have simply floated away due to rising ocean levels, leaving global depositors crying salty tears, holding little more than a soggy bag.
Then, if this wasn’t already jeopardizing the wavering banking system, pirates have fallen upon particularly flamboyant or audacious accounts and have snatched stragglers as well as very tempting young or wounded balance sheets, making off with millions, according to experts on the water.
“These terrorists are the final straw,” said John Me, comptroller at one of the larger offshore establishments. “They have tipped the scale and we are petitioning the federal gov’ment (yeah the same one that we’re ripping off) to send troops.”
Me expressed concern that the terrorists might soon have nuclear weapons that could be put to use to seize the whole ball of wax.
“Somebody needs to do something before it’s too late,” he stressed. “We would take matters into our own hands but we’re too busy being rich and greedy.”
Historically the primary annoyance has always been tiger and hammerhead sharks with ominous fins and a big mouth full of razor teeth. This is not some metaphor regarding fiscal brethren stateside, but cold-blooded, apex ocean predators who have no regard for the thrill of ill gotten gains on the tax block. Now the makos seem to be engaging in regular feeding frenzies. Some experts are suggesting that the frightening fish have come to like the smell of money.
Swimmers wearing shiny jewelry or splashing around excessively can provoke shark attacks. Generally the fish feed in the morning and at night although an occasional afternoon snack is not out of the question.
Then the rising sea adds its two cents, washing away accumulated wealth like wee field mice in an epic tidal wave. The result of warmed temperatures on the earth, the high water has seeped into areas thought safe from both natural conditions and government interventions.
“Thin of all that money sinking to the ocean floor,” said Me. “It’s enough to make a person crazy,” Me winced, slipping into snorkel, goggles and fins. “All this talk of pirates, sharks and greed makes me homesick for Wall Street” – Fred Zeppelin
Silverton Welcomes Yodeling Academy
(Howardsville UPS) The town of Silverton today celebrated the opening of the long awaited Lake Emma Yodeling Academy. Although the official ribbon cutting was postponed (someone forgot to buy ribbon in Durango) everyone promised to work together for the advancement of the arts in San Juan County.
Strict covenants subscribed to by the institution call for the education of no less than 1000 yodelers per year. Instruction will follow in the classic sense focusing on raw talent and the ancient traditions inherent to the art. The classes are open to all ages and scholarships are available.
Yodeling is defined as singing so that the voice fluctuates between the normal chest voice and a falsetto. It is often associated with the alpine landscape since lower oxygen levels aid in the development of strong, healthy lungs. Mountain goats and wide-open spaces further encourage the yodel. Silverton is rich in both of these elements.
A series of programs has been slated throughout the summer and fall with a final chorale concert/pot luck at the Grande Imperial Hotel in November.
“Imagine the surprise when the train is serenaded by hundreds of yodelers as it arrives in town,” said one instructor who learned the art from Jimmy Rodgers. “Hank Williams would have been proud and that says nothing of the von Trapps.”
– Dinty Moore
State Closes Flume Rides
(Ouray) The governor’s office today announced the forced closure of what it calls dangerous flume rides operating within the town of Ouray. The rides which originate at about 8400 feet and descend sharply to 7400 feet have been popular with locals and visitors alike since the snow started to melt in March. The flumes have been blessed with record run-off and have reported only minor injuries considering the angle of vertical relief employed.
One city official who refused to be interviewed said that if the state intended to close the flume rides it should also shut down other dangerous attractions such as most Western Slope highways, the Brown Cloud on the Front Range, the Rockies’ bullpen, and gang pastimes such as crack sales and drive-by shootings. He then invited the governor and his staff to experience the flume rides and attempt to put them in perspective with the rest of their conceptual universe.
In a related piece, the Jackass Flats Giant Dinosaur Turd Pavilion and Gift Shop will be closed until next summer so that engineers can build further support systems and create lasting infrastructure for future generations to enjoy. According to park officials the fossilized turd is slowly eroding due to limitless foot traffic during the heat of the summer.
The dinosaur turd reportedly gets slippery when it rains and can become difficult to negotiate, especially for the feeble-minded.
“While the turd is closed we will conduct further excavations and build a Velcro footpath with handrails on both sides for safety, said one ranger. “The dinosaurs we’ve been digging up are even larger than some of the RVs I’ve seen on the road this summer. It’s flat amazing! I wonder if the reptiles had to take a driver’s test to operate.”
– Melvin Tool, Jurassic statistician.
Former President’s Light Bill Still Up in Air
Current resident, Congressional co-signers,
refuse to pay Trump Electric Bill
(Washington) Traditional guaranteers said they would not cough up money to cover electric bills at the White House from 2017 – 2021 according to a report in this month’s Vacant Lot Magazine.
Brothers and Sisters Electric Co-op is reportedly still trying to collect from back during Trump White House years.
“He says he never signed anything and that he was still under Obama’ s Plan,” said a coop source. “Something about sub-leasing. Now we know. He owes us and who knows how many others.”
Obama who denies any such action adding that it “is not generally regarded as solid business practice to extend credit and especially grace periods to sociopaths.”
Due to horrid credit dealings Trump had been required to obtain co-signers so as to secure the monthly power service. The fact that he was President of the uNited States at the time makes the arrangement that much more uncomfortable, and embarrassing for major players.
Appeals to the local water provider, contested lawn service concerns, suits over parking fines and fast food debts have been a concern to fiscal watchdogs since Trump left the White House.
“It sets a bad precedent to say the least,” said Jeanet Janette, acting Treasury Czar. “If people see our elected officials acting irresponsibly or even criminally, they’ll fall behind and be castigated by plastic debt too.”
In similar wheel spinning Congress has voted unanimously to put future debt payments on its American Express Card ——benefits convenience, credit recording, premiums often earned and the minimum payment due next month. After an eleventh-hour masterpiece in fiscal denial the two parties agreed to a bi-partisan settlement and went out to breakfast
“All violent crimes are hate crimes, no? – Why categorize?”
– Oswald Remington Jr.
A Question of Mental Health
(The scene is the entryway of an ubiquitous mental health facility somewhere in Western Colorado. It is just after lunch and most of the patients are engaged in therapeutic siesta which could last well into medication hour and/or dinner.)
21st Century Man: Pardon me, but I’d like to inquire about admission.
Nurse Thorazine: Sorry, we’re full. Go away.
21st Century Man: But I’m nuts.
Nurse Thorazeen: Can you prove it?
21st Man: Well, I’m out of control most of the time. I just pulled in the reins to make it down here. I could go off at any moment.
Nurse: That’s what they all say.
21st Man: OK. You win. I’ll prove it. Watch this…
(The 21st Century Man proceeds to eat all of the #2 pencils carefully arranged on the admittance desk then begins banging his head on the reception counter…harder and harder with each repetition.)
Nurse: All right! All right…that’s just about enough of that shameful display. You’ll wake up the clients. Just because you eat a few pencils and bang your head on the desk doesn’t necessarily mean you’re crazy.
21st Man: Well then, tell me, what does then?
Nurse: A history of mental illness would be nice. Have you ever been under psychiatric care?
21st Man: Not that I can recall. Wait, I did talk to a school counselor once, about twenty-five years ago.
Nurse: Can you document it?
21st: I doubt whether anyone keeps records that far back.
Nurse: Hmmmm. I’d like to help you but rules are rules and it’s about time for this meeting to end. You must have the proper credentials or we can’t admit you. Do you have any idea how many people come in here everyday claiming to be nuts?
21st: But I am really nuts!
Nurse: Now there’s no reason to raise our voice. You think you are special?
21st: Didn’t you ever see Catch 22 where the hero cannot convince the battalion shrink that he’s crazy enough for a section 8 after uncountable bombing missions, just because he is sane enough to seek one?
Nurse: He probably failed to produce the required paperwork.
21st: Where would I get that…the proper paperwork.
Nurse: We have doctors here that can perform an initial diagnosis, but they are all quite busy right now. If you insist on pursuing this why not take a seat. You’ll find a wide array of medications in the ash trays because, of course, this is a non-smoking facility. Do you smoke?
21st: No
Nurse: Do you have insurance.
21st: Yes, I pay over $750 per month but it doesn’t cover mental health.
Nurse: It’s up to you. I have to get back to work.
21st: Oh well, I guess I’ll wait for the initial diagnosis. I’ll be just as crazy in an hour as I am right now.
CONTINUED NEXT MONTH
