All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category
Former Latin American Dictators to Monitor Run-Offs
(Panama City) A hand-picked junta comprised of retired South and Central American despots will be on hand to see that any and all 2004 election recounts are conducted on the up and up.
Chosen by the Supreme Quart and approved by influential officials both major parties, the former Latin dictators will act only in an advisor mode. Their official function will be that of observers, although insiders in Washington and elsewhere suggest that years of expertise in the arena of vote rigging and intimidation will be increasingly visible as recounts are tallied.
Opinions, expediency and a hands-on philosophy as to the political system in place will surely float to the top of the electoral puddle,” said one Congressional source who helped initiate the plan. “Frustration with the slow process could dictate conduct in back parlors and smokey rooms from New York to Buenos Aires.”
Among the observers are the former bosses in Chile, Argentina, Venezuela, Nicaragua and Panama. Former leaders who are currently being courted by the State Department include security personnel and executive level counterparts from Paraguay, Guatemala, Peru. Bolivia and Guyana. All are former generals. The names of these powerful men have not been made completely public for fear of reprisals on the part of those “who would do harm to the democratic process”, according to unreliable government sources.
Although at first shocked by the development the American public has come to grips with the arrangement and gone back to sleep. Critics fear the Republicans, who most resemble Latin American dictators, will have an unfair advantage in the recounts.
“We’re darn lucky to have men of this capacity here for our little election squabbles,” said one leading Republican senator who won a seat in 2000 by 3 votes and is currently embroiled in an even closer race this year.
“We better get this campaign over with or I’ll never spend any time of the floor voting for archaic measures and manipulating my colleagues,” he laughed. “This year I spent 80% of my time campaigning and 20% serving in Congress. I can assure you that won’t happen if I get my party’s nod in 2008.”
Certain “basic” amenities will be provided the former Latin strongmen during the run-offs. In addition to meal and hotel per diems each will be allowed to bring up to five body guards and several social secretaries. The presence of machine-gun toting military attaches and bullet-proof limousines will attest to a good faith gesture on the part of the United States.
“We think that the inclusion of these “decorated election counselors” will provide the impetus to smooth and legitimate elections,” said another Congressional source, who demanded animosity. “Besides, they can only play golf for so many days in a row.”
Infamous Latin dictators such as Manual Noriega, Generalissimo Raul Machete, Carlos Torres Bloode and Baby Doc Duvalier were not invited to the recount since they are in jail in Miami.
While acting out the drama of the democratic process the former despots will stay with George W. Bush at either the White House or in the executive bunkhouse at his sprawling Crawford (Texas) ranch.
-Kashmir Horseshoe
FAVORITE TOURIST TRAPS
Are you visiting our world this fall? If so here is a preferred
selection of attractions even you won’t want to miss!
PEA GREEN CONSERVATORY RUINS – This architectural prototype once housed the infamous Pea Green Kazoo Orchestra and was the scene of the last pancake breakfast attended by William McKinley before his untimely assassination by an anarchist in 1901. Over the years, the orchestra played before such music lovers as King Edward VII, Talulah Bankhead, Oliver Heaviside, J.P. Morgan, Joan Crawford, and last but never least…Thomas E. Dewey who remains buried six feet under the rhythm section.
WORLD’S LARGEST MARTINI – Located off Highway 135 near the former Rockey River Resort Complex. This 700-foot cocktail was erected after the first Heeny Tick Festival in 1907 (or was in ’08?). It requires the constant attention of some 130 full-time employees just to keep the thing cold. Funding cuts over the past few years have discouraged operations in the winter months when most thirsty residents switch to brandy or schnapps anyway. Official records estimate that it cost $6500 dollars per day to keep the facility open and that takes into account the low cost pretend water generated power plant that was built with state lottery money in 1989. Guided tours are available on the half hour with a minimal admission fee of $12 (non-imbiber) and $175 (full services). A massive martini pipeline, that could supply some six counties with the beverage is on the drawing board and may be completed by Rockies’ season. Just for kicks don’t miss the Old Timer Vermouth Mill located just three miles east of Olive’s Gift Shop at Big Ol’ Grandma’s RV World.
SAGEBRUSH HOLOCAUST MUSEUM – This eerie monument seeks to honor the native sagebrush that is destroyed by bulldozers and asphalt each year. It was located in Peach Valley as of last night.
HISTORIC MOTEL ROW – Located in Gunnison, this historical district has been completely restored and preserved for future generations. Many of the structures are available by the night or week but summer rates are never reasonable. Take a walk back into the past as some of these motels were built as early as 1956. Park at Parlin and proceed west until you see the flashing lights! Self-contained RVs welcome. Sorry but due to the ineffectiveness of the Gunnison Hysterical Society the landmark LaVeta Hotel, once perched on Boulevard Avenue, no longer exists.
SLATE RIVER WHITE BUFFALO RANCH View the rare white buffalo, an animal considered sacred by the Utes. No set hours. Either the buffalo are there or they are not. Watch the illegal parking on shouldered Highway 135. Located between Almont and Jack’s Cabin adjacent to the Roaring Judy Trout Internment Center, which is closed to the public Monday through Friday and on weekends.
FASTEST TRAFFIC LIGHT IN THE WEST Located at the intersection of Main and Townsend in Montrose. Wagon trains passing through this valley in the early part of the century are still waiting to negotiate this stretch of road. After you enjoy a visit to this signal be sure to stop at the Slowest Traffic Light in the West located one street north.Snap a picture of the dumbest left turn lane in North America.
JURASSIC LEACH FIELD – This ancient collection of dinosaur dung can be enjoyed by taking Highway 50 to Whitewater then turning west into Unaweep Canyon. Proceed along Highway 141 past the Umetco nuclear sugar beet processing plant at Snyder Flats and on to the Pablo Escobar Landing Strip at Castro Draw. Cut back southeast on the dirt road to Tenderfoot Mesa and listen for poorly sponsored tap dancing. Since the remains are not totally petrified, forest rangers caution visitors to hold their noses, wear old shoes and carry ample fly swatters in their vehicles. (Please clean up after your dog).
TOOTHBRUSH RECYCLING PLANT – Located in downtown Novocain next to the Halitosis Toothpaste Tailings at the mouth of Stale Breath Gulch. See thousands of discarded toothbrush handles being forged into alarm clocks for export to the Far East. The bristles are melted down and turned into second-rate AstroTurf. We suggest one avoid this massive dental display while Lauren Boebert is in office. She and her entourage have this attraction circled and have tied up all motel rooms within a radius of fifty miles.
THE GIANT HOUSE – Located on Ouray’s chic Oak Street, this 700,000 square foot structure was actually larger than the state of Rhode Island before the fire. Decorated with treasures pillaged from an assortment of Third World cultures the Giant House is designed to sink into the surrounding rocks in the event of a nuclear attack. Make sure identification papers are in order upon entering the lush grounds, as custodians are somewhat trigger-happy. Schedule your visit to the Giant House between noon and two and catch some pomp and circumstance with the precision changing of the realtors at the gatehouse of this exclusive development.
These are only a few of the many attractions that await the visitor to Western Colorado. For a complete listing and further information on educational and illuminating tours and packages stop into your local tourist information booth. Tell them you’re Butch Cassidy and you’re looking for a few sticks of dynamite and an automatic teller machine. They probably won’t get it anyway.
CAUTION: Do not heed the advice of seemingly friendly denizens as these reprobates take extreme pleasure in misleading the innocent. Although creative and dramatic in delivery, they will lie to you at every turn causing much consternation and an immoral waste of gasoline. NEVER confront them in their prevarications as they are all well armed, even the children.
– Uncle Pahgre
Shark Attacks Add to Offshore Banking Woes
(Bermuda Triangle) A sudden rise in violent shark attacks had thrown yet another wrench in off-shore banking operations already beset by rising water and even an occasional pirate incursion in the Caribbean.
The fish seem to have turned more aggressive as the deposits grow. They have been blamed for serious interruption of cash flow and several deaths in the lower berths of this tax evasive banking industry team. In addition many accounts, established as long ago as 1990 have simply floated away due to rising ocean levels, leaving global depositors crying salty tears, holding little more than a soggy bag.
Then, if this wasn’t already jeopardizing the wavering banking system, pirates have fallen upon particularly flamboyant or audacious accounts and have snatched stragglers as well as very tempting young or wounded balance sheets, making off with millions, according to experts on the water.
“These terrorists are the final straw,” said John Me, comptroller at one of the larger offshore establishments. “They have tipped the scale and we are petitioning the federal gov’ment (yeah the same one that we’re ripping off) to send troops.”
Me expressed concern that the terrorists might soon have nuclear weapons that could be put to use to seize the whole ball of wax.
“Somebody needs to do something before it’s too late,” he stressed. “We would take matters into our own hands but we’re too busy being rich and greedy.”
Historically the primary annoyance has always been tiger and hammerhead sharks with ominous fins and a big mouth full of razor teeth. This is not some metaphor regarding fiscal brethren stateside, but cold-blooded, apex ocean predators who have no regard for the thrill of ill gotten gains on the tax block. Now the makos seem to be engaging in regular feeding frenzies. Some experts are suggesting that the frightening fish have come to like the smell of money.
Swimmers wearing shiny jewelry or splashing around excessively can provoke shark attacks. Generally the fish feed in the morning and at night although an occasional afternoon snack is not out of the question.
Then the rising sea adds its two cents, washing away accumulated wealth like wee field mice in an epic tidal wave. The result of warmed temperatures on the earth, the high water has seeped into areas thought safe from both natural conditions and government interventions.
“Thin of all that money sinking to the ocean floor,” said Me. “It’s enough to make a person crazy,” Me winced, slipping into snorkel, goggles and fins. “All this talk of pirates, sharks and greed makes me homesick for Wall Street” – Fred Zeppelin
Silverton Welcomes Yodeling Academy
(Howardsville UPS) The town of Silverton today celebrated the opening of the long awaited Lake Emma Yodeling Academy. Although the official ribbon cutting was postponed (someone forgot to buy ribbon in Durango) everyone promised to work together for the advancement of the arts in San Juan County.
Strict covenants subscribed to by the institution call for the education of no less than 1000 yodelers per year. Instruction will follow in the classic sense focusing on raw talent and the ancient traditions inherent to the art. The classes are open to all ages and scholarships are available.
Yodeling is defined as singing so that the voice fluctuates between the normal chest voice and a falsetto. It is often associated with the alpine landscape since lower oxygen levels aid in the development of strong, healthy lungs. Mountain goats and wide-open spaces further encourage the yodel. Silverton is rich in both of these elements.
A series of programs has been slated throughout the summer and fall with a final chorale concert/pot luck at the Grande Imperial Hotel in November.
“Imagine the surprise when the train is serenaded by hundreds of yodelers as it arrives in town,” said one instructor who learned the art from Jimmy Rodgers. “Hank Williams would have been proud and that says nothing of the von Trapps.”
– Dinty Moore
State Closes Flume Rides
(Ouray) The governor’s office today announced the forced closure of what it calls dangerous flume rides operating within the town of Ouray. The rides which originate at about 8400 feet and descend sharply to 7400 feet have been popular with locals and visitors alike since the snow started to melt in March. The flumes have been blessed with record run-off and have reported only minor injuries considering the angle of vertical relief employed.
One city official who refused to be interviewed said that if the state intended to close the flume rides it should also shut down other dangerous attractions such as most Western Slope highways, the Brown Cloud on the Front Range, the Rockies’ bullpen, and gang pastimes such as crack sales and drive-by shootings. He then invited the governor and his staff to experience the flume rides and attempt to put them in perspective with the rest of their conceptual universe.
In a related piece, the Jackass Flats Giant Dinosaur Turd Pavilion and Gift Shop will be closed until next summer so that engineers can build further support systems and create lasting infrastructure for future generations to enjoy. According to park officials the fossilized turd is slowly eroding due to limitless foot traffic during the heat of the summer.
The dinosaur turd reportedly gets slippery when it rains and can become difficult to negotiate, especially for the feeble-minded.
“While the turd is closed we will conduct further excavations and build a Velcro footpath with handrails on both sides for safety, said one ranger. “The dinosaurs we’ve been digging up are even larger than some of the RVs I’ve seen on the road this summer. It’s flat amazing! I wonder if the reptiles had to take a driver’s test to operate.”
– Melvin Tool, Jurassic statistician.
Former President’s Light Bill Still Up in Air
Current resident, Congressional co-signers,
refuse to pay Trump Electric Bill
(Washington) Traditional guaranteers said they would not cough up money to cover electric bills at the White House from 2017 – 2021 according to a report in this month’s Vacant Lot Magazine.
Brothers and Sisters Electric Co-op is reportedly still trying to collect from back during Trump White House years.
“He says he never signed anything and that he was still under Obama’ s Plan,” said a coop source. “Something about sub-leasing. Now we know. He owes us and who knows how many others.”
Obama who denies any such action adding that it “is not generally regarded as solid business practice to extend credit and especially grace periods to sociopaths.”
Due to horrid credit dealings Trump had been required to obtain co-signers so as to secure the monthly power service. The fact that he was President of the uNited States at the time makes the arrangement that much more uncomfortable, and embarrassing for major players.
Appeals to the local water provider, contested lawn service concerns, suits over parking fines and fast food debts have been a concern to fiscal watchdogs since Trump left the White House.
“It sets a bad precedent to say the least,” said Jeanet Janette, acting Treasury Czar. “If people see our elected officials acting irresponsibly or even criminally, they’ll fall behind and be castigated by plastic debt too.”
In similar wheel spinning Congress has voted unanimously to put future debt payments on its American Express Card ——benefits convenience, credit recording, premiums often earned and the minimum payment due next month. After an eleventh-hour masterpiece in fiscal denial the two parties agreed to a bi-partisan settlement and went out to breakfast
“All violent crimes are hate crimes, no? – Why categorize?”
– Oswald Remington Jr.
