State Closes Flume Rides

(Ouray) The governor’s office today announced the forced closure of what it calls dangerous flume rides operating within the town of Ouray. The rides which originate at about 8400 feet and descend sharply to 7400 feet have been popular with locals and visitors alike since the snow started to melt in March. The flumes have been blessed with record run-off and have reported only minor injuries considering the angle of vertical relief employed.

     One city official who refused to be interviewed said that if the state intended to close the flume rides it should also shut down other dangerous attractions such as most Western Slope highways, the Brown Cloud on the Front Range, the Rockies’ bullpen, and gang pastimes such as crack sales and drive-by shootings. He then invited the governor and his staff to experience the flume rides and attempt to put them in perspective with the rest of their conceptual universe.

     In a related piece, the Jackass Flats Giant Dinosaur Turd Pavilion and Gift Shop will be closed until next summer so that engineers can build further support systems and create lasting infrastructure for future generations to enjoy. According to park officials the fossilized turd is slowly eroding due to limitless foot traffic during the heat of the summer. 

The dinosaur turd reportedly gets slippery when it rains and can become difficult to negotiate, especially for the feeble-minded.

     “While the turd is closed we will conduct further excavations and build a Velcro footpath with handrails on both sides for safety, said one ranger. “The dinosaurs we’ve been digging up are even larger than some of the RVs I’ve seen on the road this summer. It’s flat amazing! I wonder if the reptiles had to take a driver’s test to operate.”

 – Melvin Tool, Jurassic statistician.