All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category

LOW-CAL CHRISTMAS STAMPS RELEASED

(Denver) The United States Postal Service has announced plans to release some 400,000 low calorie Christmas stamps in time for the holidays. The stamps, featuring Santa Claus and other celebrated Yuletide icons, will be first-class and available at the window on December 31.

     The stamps are a colorful bit of Americana, appropriate to the season and contain less than three calories. Customers who prowl the post office hallways have for long complained about health considerations when purchasing stamps. Of course, the benefits of the low-cal stamps are only apparent when one licks the back of them. A self-adhesive batch, mistakenly produced last month, will be saved for emergencies.

     If the promotion is a success consumers should expect to be assaulted by a grand array of theme stamps throughout the year. Next up: Heart-shaped stamps for Valentines Day and 50-cent stamps for April Fools.

-Uncle Pahgre     

Deadline for hibernation permits draws near

(Bland Valley) Residents who wish to hibernate this winter have until Thursday to obtain official Colorado Hibernation Permits. The procedure is simple enough, as applicants must only stop by the nearest Division of Wildlife office to pick up the needed forms.

     “We have begun to closely monitor hibernation since more and more people have expressed interest in this winter diversion,” said Melvin Toole, Director of Latent Dormancy for the Western Slope. “This, combined with the population explosion here, has made cave space a premium and has threatened to disrupt the peace and quiet enjoyed for centuries by innocent fur-bearing animals.”

     In addition to a small fee, persons wishing to enter this torpid state must also undergo a hibernation safety course, which is offered on Saturdays until January.

     “In effect, this is an extended deadline,” smiled Toole, “and we hope participants will be kind to our clerks when registering. We know you’re tired but getting testy with our people will only make matters worse.”

– Dolores Alegria

Jesus, Mohammed To Meet in Gaza

(Hebron, Occupied West Bank) The long awaited summit between Jesus Christ and Mohammed (no last name available) appears to be on track. Preliminary negotiations are set for mid-July with a formal eight-nation summit slated for early February.

     Focusing on the continuing Gaza conflict, the meetings will be characterized by heightened security, international fanfare and perhaps even a glimmer of hope. Already pilgrims from both sides of the doctrinal fence have been gathering throughout the world to ask for direction and to hammer out final plans. As one might expect, navigation through the endless differences of opinion has been tainted with arguments, and in some case, violence.

     Sources in both the Israeli and Palestinian camps say they hope to control their multitudes so as to proceed with these earth-shattering matters.

    “We hope that the faithful on both sides don’t get carried away with religious fervor and wreck this one opportunity for peace,” said a source in Jerusalem. “If we can keep the talks simple and limit the negative influence on the two leaders we may actually accomplish something by the fall.”

     Both Jesus and Mohammed have agreed publicly they would like to see the opposing sides come to some agreement that might end the century-long stand-off between land-grabbing Zionists and radical Muslims.

     According to inside sources the two religious icons will arrive in Jerusalem so as to prepare for what promises to be a hectic schedule.

     “Breaking bread is no easy matter when we have two super-prophets at the same table,” continued the source. “Both are used to being the center of attention with respect to their connection with The Man Upstairs. Fortunately they do agree that it’s the same all-knowing spirit.”

     It was still not clear whether each leader would bring along an entourage of disciples or go it alone.

     “We firmly believe that if we can create a scenario where both icons are relaxed and isolated from their followers we can accomplish great things. Here, once again we have two great prophets who agree on the basics but due to centuries of human interpretation have come to be perceived as opposites,” continued the source. “This is no ecclesiastical weight-in and we don’t expect stare-downs or stand-offs.”

     Yesterday Islamic fundamentalists in Cairo and in the city of Bugaboo, in central Iran, set cars on fire and pelted authorities with dirt balls chanting “Sod is Great!” while explosions could be heard from Mecca to Medina. Simultaneously Christian clerics have called for demonstrations in support of their cause with Saturday night book burnings, evangelical fish fries and a armed candlelight march on neighborhood mosques.

     “It’s the fundamentalists on both sides that are to blame for the problem,” our source said. “They both want the power. They both want control. None of it has to do with the daily status  of their flocks. It’s all based on fear of the unknown and a desire to appear righteous in the face of us and them philosophies. What we need now, as forever, is a little tolerance,” he offered.

     Nations participating in the historical summit, hosted by Jordan, include Saudi Arabia, Egypt, Indonesia, Libya, Germany, France, Britain and the United States. It is still not clear whether Israel or the Palestinians would be seated.

     Conflicts as to the present site of the meetings were defused Friday with the announcement that decorum and general protocol would follow Christian scripture and that a follow-up parley would be held at a locale deep in Bible Belt, USA. In addition the two sides agreed that the event would be catered by Rasputin’s Kosher-Khaleeji Deli with outlets in Brooklyn and Queens.

     Meanwhile the rock concert atmosphere builds as United Nations security forces begin constructing bunkers, trenches and other checkpoints in an attempt to keep the faithful on both sides from killing each other. An announcement yesterday that the worshipped icons would appear in business suits, rather than traditional robes, created quite a stir among the more orthodox on both sides and as far away as the garment district in Hong Kong.

     Attempts to contact the Creator by phone last evening proved unproductive as He was reportedly either in a meeting and could not be disturbed or had gone on an extended fishing trip.

– Kashmir Horseshoe

          

La Madre Naturaleza completa clases de manejo de la ira

(Delta) Una Madre Naturaleza claramente relajada ha completado con éxito aquí las clases de manejo de la ira ordenadas por la corte en un tiempo récord, lo que lleva incluso a los cínicos a creer que se ha calmado. En los últimos años se han producido huracanes, sequías y deshielo polar a un ritmo sin precedentes que han llevado a la sentencia obligatoria.

      “No podemos decir si ha sido rehabilitada o si simplemente está montando un espectáculo”, dijo un consejero emocional que dice que le gustan las tormentas eléctricas.

      Aunque está en libertad condicional sin supervisión, durante los próximos dos años la Madre Naturaleza tendrá plena movilidad y acceso a sus antiguos asociados al viento y la lluvia.

      “Es fácil ver por qué se enojó en primer lugar”, dijo el consejero. “Qué te parecería que la gente destrozara tu jardín?”

      Las autoridades están esperando y observando cómo se emprenderán nuevas acciones legales contra el ex acusado.

     “Se dio cuenta de que eran espíritus vivientes, sus raíces enterradas en la tierra oscura, absorbían la energía del sol y la esencia de la luna, humedecidos por la lluvia y el rocío, entendían los caminos de los cielos y las lógica de la tierra. El color del sorgo sugería que el sol ya había teñido el oscuro horizonte de un patético rojo”.

– Padre en Sorgo Rojo de Mo Yan.

First Test Tube Cell Phone Stable

(Denver) The nation’s first artificially bred cell phone is alive and doing well in incubation here. What this could do to the already burgeoning over-tech industry is anyone’s assessment.

In a prepared statement the proxy parents, God and Country Electronics, of Little Rock, expect that their off-spring phone will “relieve the blur between reality and fantasy, but not too much.”

“We don’t want any of our clients to start thinking,” smiled Dude Hectare, who has most of his teeth still. People who think realize they don’t need our crap and before you know it they stop laying out thousands to satisfy their pop culture egos. They think flashy cell phones make them cool and we don’t want to tip the turnip cart on this one.”

Critics of the entire biological explosion conclude that maters are definitely out of hand.

“Things started to go south around the time the Sumerians learned to talk with strings and tin cans,” said the Hectare…or was it when Napoleon discovered s party line in place at Waterloo? I can’t recall the GPS coordinates.”

Readers may recall that these same inventors recently patented a wooden, windowed comfort station that would in theory grace Scenic Views all over Colorado. The Pee-And-See is self-contained and never needs emptying. Custom ocean and night sky views are available. Flat terrain, night travel, chuckhole consultation and epic highway construction are in the sights of a bevy of planners.

Sadly these innovative boobs took a cowardly night flight to avoid creditors, social ostracism and banishment from the local chamber of commerce.

“Another failure won’t stop us!” said a principle as he did mobile gymnastics on main street before skidding across the border into the abyss.

-Tommy Middlefinger

“A deeper comprehension of the ocean’s waves cannot be ascertained with one’s head in the sand.”  – Dag Katz

“Thanksgiving in Turkey”

Continued from in front of you

TRAVEL ’23

so that Bob (is that really his name?) and I and the kids were pushed down onto the pavement and told to keep our eyes to the ground as the entourage passed by, snaking its way toward Mount Ararat and the grave of the Apostle Paul.

     “Hey, mom,” said little Bennie, “says in this brochure that Turkey is larger than Texas. Is that for real?”

     “No, stupid, it’s just all that jihad propaganda,” piped sister Beatrice from the pruned position. “Where did you get that brochure anyway?”

     “Shut-up bitch,” said little Bennie. “Nobody’s talking to you!”

     “Now kids, let’s try to put our hatreds aside. We’re miles from our hotel and not out of this yet,” said Dad. “These people are naturally friendly and engaging. They just have to get to know us. I thought St. Paul was buried at Lookout Mountain…”

     No, that’s Buffalo Phil, fool,” said mom.

     Finally, and not without more fanfare, the procession passed. The strange men in robes told us to get up and walk to the east and we would find true enlightenment…and our hotel.

     “I wanna see Noah’s Arc,” said Beatrice, “and the ancient city of Troy. What a beat vacation. All my friends in Chicago will laugh at me if they find out I came all the way to Turkey without…”

     “Wait, daddy,” I said to my husband, “isn’t that the road to Istanbul, or is it the road to Constantinople? They must sell ottomans there. I just have to have an authentic Turkish Ottoman or I’ll just die.”

     “What about dinner?” whined Bennie. “We’ve been here three days and I haven’t seen a taco anywhere. Today is Thanksgiving. Where’s the stuffing?”

     “Now Bennie,” said my husband, whose name eludes me just now, “this isn’t America. One has to adapt. Sure, all of these rugheads wish they were in America, the land of the free, but they aren’t. They’re marooned here in Asia Minor…have been for centuries. I thought you liked the filberts in barley sauce that mom cooked up last night.”

     “I want pizza,” screamed Beatrice much to the chagrin of a large angry crowd that had now gathered, blocking our exit from behind one of a hundred mosques that crowd the cobbled square. “I hate filberts!”

     “And where is the football!” demanded little Bennie. “Don’t these Tartar savages know that it’s Thanksgiving?”

     “I hate tartar sauce too,” mumbled Beatrice, “and Kurds and whey…

     “Stop!” cried daddy. “Look a fez stand right out here in the middle of nowhere. I think we should all take home a fez as a souvenir from this lovely trip. Say there sahib. How much for four fezzes…is that the proper term? Yeah, four…and don’t try to screw me. I’m an American and I have rights.”

      At that he pulled out a U.S. fifty which the man selling the fez hats quickly grabbed and stashed in his robe. He smiled and then let go of the hats.

     “Those hats look stupid,” said Beatrice, and for once her little brother agreed. We must have looked quite the sight wandering down those snarled filthy streets, sipping a Raki looking for some familiar signs of home.

     “I have to pee,” said Bennie.

     “We need to find a halkevi, or house of the people. Surely they will have indoor facilities…

     “And cleanliness,” I crisply quipped.

     “And a make-up mirror,” added Beatrice.

     “And some good old American toilet paper,” smiled Daddy.

     “We could ask someone,”  I said melodically, swept up in the worldly banter of a man I no longer knew.

     “None of these bozos talk American,” said Bennie

     “Turkish isn’t so hard to learn,” said Dad as he wagged his finger at a would-be thief. “The Turks borrowed many Arabic and Persian words during the Ottoman Empire, then Kemal Ataturk changed the whole shootin’ match over to the Roman alphabet in 1928.”

     “How does he know all that?” whispered Beatrice in my direction.

     “Daddy was once a Middle East expert in of the Bush Administrations, dear,” I explained.

     “It’s worthless information about a country that prefers figs to cranberry sauce, olives to pumpkin pie…”

     “Shhhhh,” Bennie. Here come the mashed potatoes!”

     As I looked up I saw thousands of men in the street. There were Turks from Ankara, Turks from Izmir, Turks from Cyprus. All were working together pushing a massive vat of freshly mashed potatoes, thinly veiled in Seljuk mohair, toward the largest of the mosques to the east of the square.

     “Wow, dad!” said Bennie.

     “Where are all the women?” asked Beatrice.

     “Maybe they do celebrate Thanksgiving in Turkey,” I flinched.

     “Look, kids. Look! It’s the march of the turkeys,” said Dad. “Look, honey, their coming this way. It’s going to be a wonderful holiday just like I told you. Honey? Honey? Hey, kids, where’s your mother?

     “Oh, she was forced into that black Mercedes by two Turkish men who have been following us since yesterday,” said Beatrice.

     “What? Forced into a car? gasped Daddy.

     “Relax, man she’ll be back for dinner,” said Bennie.

– Luanne Julienne

Ms Julienne is a free-lance writer who lives in a ostentaciously large house in Connecticut. In addition to writing travel articles she raises amphetamines, which are then sold to collectors in New York at what is perceived as a healthy profit.