Author Archive for M. Toole
Old MacDonald Had a Farm
(San Juan Horseshoe Western Colorado’s Humor Paper September 25, 2014)
Old MacDonald had a farm
EE-I-EE-I-O
And on that farm he owed some debt
EE-I-EE-I-O
For equipment here
and the spring seed there
Here’s a buck
There’s a buck
Everywhere just rotten luck
Old MacDonald kept his farm
EE-I-EE-I-O
And on his farm there came the bank
EE-I-EE-I-O
With a “Pay me now
or I’ll take the plow”
Harsh debates
Broken gates
Lowered interest rates?
Old MacDonald saved his farm
EE-I-EE-I-O
And in the town he ran a tab
EE-I-EE-I-O
With a dollar here and I’ll pay next year
Fast food makes you fat
Genetically modified acrobat
Old MacDonald gives up hope
EE-I-EE-I-O
His last chance is you and I
EE-I-EE-I –O
But we’re so busy
Can’t you see?
We don’t care no more
…Buy milk at the store
Old MacDonald’s farm is sold
EE-I-EE-I-O
Corporation here…corporation there
Stocks up — checks are sent
Farms are for development.
We’ll grow food up on the Moon
EE-I-EE-I-O
Eating garden tomatoes not a sin says Pope
(Vatican) In a rare departure from socio-religious issues the leader of Roman Catholic Church today decreed that eating homegrown tomatoes was not in conflict with its teachings.
Pope Francis told a throng of well-wishers in St Peter’s Square that although eating a drippy, sweet, red and meaty garden-grown tomato feels like a sin it is not. He further encourages his flock to “eat as many tomatoes as you like while the season is on”.
The Pope, an Argentine, went on to say that he misses his garden in Buenos Aires and that a newly tilled one will be up and running next year.
“The Pontiff was too busty addressing war, poverty, starvation and racism to plant a garden this spring,” said a close aide. “Next year we hope to have corn over there (he gestured toward a basilica) and cucumbers over there. The tomatoes will be right in the middle getting full sun.”
The aide refused to comment when asked why the Vatican does not share its vast wealth with the impoverished.
Recent criticism leveled at the Church claims the religious body hoards riches and does not do enough to help the poor, especially those Catholics living in Latin America.
“Sure, they have all kinds of beneficial programs,” said one man who would like to see all of the Vatican gold redistributed to the poor.
“Isn’t that what Jesus would have done?” he smiled.
Back at St Peters the Pope told a cheering crowd that tomato sauces, stuffed tomatoes, tomato soup and even such nominally secular dishes as tomato bisque and fried green tomatoes are all fine to consume.
“These are not at odds with the doctrines and practices of Christianity,” said the Pope who scoffed at dispensation for eating apples.
“Unless they are offered by snakes,” he laughed, “which is not a likely scenario.”
In closing the Pontiff warned the faithful about the pitfalls of eating genetically modified foods, which he said, is directly against the teachings of Christ and the Apostles as well as the Bible.
– St Roscoe of Runnynose
Fudd Lite Commercial Shot in Colona
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Colona awarded $300 from Fudd-Lite after holding out for $400 and no blue paint..They ensuing idiot-themed commercial was in the can in 20 minutes. That’s all. Bye now. The real Colorado bud commercial comes in October. It is expected to be anything but light.
(Photo by MJ Martin and Mel Brooks)
Clampitt May Run
(Tin Cup) Jed Clampitt has pretty much stayed to himself since his retirement from the Beverley Hillbillies and the death of his major sponsor, Buddy Epsen, in 2003. However the weighty political climate in the country has worked its magic on the often-stoic leader of an Appalachian family that discovered oil in its backyard.
“Fortunately for these United States all of the extended Clampitts are still surviving so I have a ready-made cabinet. Jethro, Granny and Ellie May would be a perfect fit as advisors while other characters might fill in the openings just like on TV,” smiled Jed. “Mr. Drysdale has already spoken to me about a position with the Treasury Department and Miss Hathaway could run the CIA. That leaves my favorite cousin, Pearl Bodine, as the first female Vice President!”
“Let me be candid here in saying that we can’t do any worse than the current bunglers,” stressed Clampitt, embracing an austere disposition.
Although he has not yet thrown his worn-out old hat into the Presidential ring Clampitt told reporters that if elected he would not say anything but rather cook opossum pie for everyone.
“That alone is a welcome departure from all the side winder mouthing we’ve been accustomed to since Jefferson,” said a delegate who had just become aware of Clampitt’s possible bid.
Close advisors implied that if Clampitt wins the White House he will disband the electoral colleges since he himself didn’t finish grade school.
– H. L. Menoken
Press Accused of Liberal Tendencies
(Montrose) The Montrose Daily Press has been linked to “radical liberal groups,” according to conservative watchdog groups here. The accusations come as a result of the paper’s handling of issues as remote as animals at the pound and the goings on at a local breakfast club.
“We haven’t chalked up the goods on them up until now because they are experts at shrouding their liberalism with conservative dialogue,” said Melvin Toole a spokesman for Stay The Corpse, a conservative think tank located on Log Hill Mesa.
“It’s the little things that show through,” he squawked, “like the honor system candy boxes and the gum ball machine on the front desk. Just where do you think the profits from these enterprises go? They go to socialistic societies like the Lion’s Club and the Special Olympics,” he barked. “We know one of the pressmen carries a AK-47 and that the proofreaders are fluent in Russian. They probably even send a monthly contribution to Boris Yeltsin and his Commie buddies!”
Press publisher Scott Allen could not control his laughter in the face of these charges and was unable to comment.
“That Scott Allen character has even had Ted Kennedy over for dinner and once considered placing a George McGovern bumper sticker on his Scout,” said Toole. “We have photographs!”
Montrose Cops Set 6 pm Curfew
(City Hall) The Montrose Police Department has announced that it will begin enforcing a new curfew for teens on June 15. The restrictions clearly state that any teen seen on the street after 6 p.m. will be subject to detainment and possible arrest.
“Most of the time we’ll just give them a ride home and leave the punishment up to the parents,” said Officer B. Dogberry, of the anti-gang division. “We are making a valiant attempt to control crime and the beginnings of a gang problem here. If kids spend all their time hanging out at night they are more likely to find something entertaining to do,” he said. “More often than not, entertainment leads to crime.”
Many residents are up in arms over the seemingly strict ordinance, saying that law enforcement officials have no right to instigate such a rigid code.
“My kid works at night,” said one citizen. “Are they going to arrest him while he’s out delivering pizzas or what?”
Another parent, who favors a strong police presence on the streets, stopped short of condemning the new program.
“Let’s just wait and see what happens before we fly off the handle,” she said. “Maybe the curfew is for the kid’s own good. It does send a clear message to the criminal element within that age group.”
Skateboarders and kids hanging out in their cars at such hot spots as McDonald’s and City Market will be targeted in the beginning, according to an inside source at the cop shop.
“The kids have plenty of time to do their thing during regular business hours,” he told the Horseshoe. “They don’t need to be out raising hell at all hours of the night!”
The source added that kids in the company of their parents would not be subject to the new rule unless the parents look sleazy or refuse to wave back at passing patrolmen.
