Author Archive for M. Toole
Hell Freezes Over
Refugees are evacuating Hell after the asylum for lost souls froze over on Thursday morning. Officials down under say the current state of affairs is temporary and that back up fires have been started in an effort to maintain temperatures, generally hovering around 100 degrees Celsius.
Hellians have been instructed to camp out in the vicinity of nuclear reactors until the “standard acclimatizing can be accomplished”.
“Everything should be back to normal,” said a spokesman known as Old Scratch, “before any real damage ensues.
Meanwhile the comfort level for our cherished sinner population has gone down significantly. Imagine spending eternity freezing in the dark.”
Beyond a little paranoia and the proverbial gnashing of teeth the situation appears to be under control. Dark angels had feared that the regular influx of the damned might be interrupted.
“With those humans killing each other upstairs we have a prominent stream of warm bodies to torment,” continued Scratch. “Most of our guests here in Hell are charlatan religious zealots who were too stupid and timid to realize that life on earth is the paradise that the mullahs, rabbis and priests keep preaching about in the afterlife.”
The interruption of services gives Hellians a chance to see how the other half lives, said Scratch who added that if the source of the problem can be determined, revenge would be taken.
“We are in no hurry to even the score,” he smiled. “Down the road we will extract retribution. Reprisals will not be pretty and vengeance will be our top priority.” -Alfalfa Romeo
Local Rock Star Takes Life
Golden record and Grammy Award winner Newt Guitar Jepson was found dead yesterday backstage in the Imperial Ballroom of the Paonia Sheridan Love Hotel, apparently a victim of his own hand.
Jepson, who had recently been dating the 17-year-old daughter of Sheriff Gunsil Linger, had stabbed himself in the back three times and then shot himself in the head and through the heart, according to County Coroner I.B. Cuttenger. The coroner then concluded that Jepson must have disposed of the weapons since none were found at the scene of the suicide.
Jepson’s career epitomized a virtual rocket to stardom after the release of his first recording “You Can Take My Love and Shove It Up Your Heart”. From there it was CD after CD followed by a world tour of Texas and Oklahoma. Just two days before the tragedy he had agreed to appear on Stairway to the Galaxies in downtown Grand Junction.
It was rumored that Jepson was heavily into the drug scene, but this was never proven. Although he was arrested over 600 times for various narcotic binges, he was never convicted.
“All one has to do is listen to the lyrics and it’s clear he liked meth, coke and an assorted entourage of downers,” said an unreliable source in Paonia.
Newt is survived by his wife Ima and his legitimate son Newt Jr., as well as 87 other alleged offspring, 24 of which are represented in local paternity suits. – Tommy Middlefinger
Meat Street
Meat Avenue in Ridgway, in a good neighborhood to be sure.
Continental Divide Missing
(Denver) The Continental Divide, a high stretch of rocky earth that runs from Alaska to Tierra del Fuego, was not on the job this morning. Authorities have no clues as to the disappearance and have not established if the Divide had gone astray or if fowl play was involved.
Geologists looking visibly upset say an absence of any type is not normal for the geographic phenomenon that has occupied the same space since way before the cows came home. Unknown nuts may have pruned the famous landmark, steeped in yards of corn snow, for unknown raisins, say police who were none to quick to draw conclusions.
Behaviorists familiar with metamorphic rock have been called in to assist in the now massive search. They say local geologists knew about “problems” as early as last year but failed to come forward out of professional embarrassment.
“There are plenty of unemployed geologists out there,” said an investigating officer. “I guess they didn’t want to add to that number by admitting faults.”
Service clubs and civic groups have joined the hunt hoping to locate the missing icon before summer tourist season in 2015.
“Many of our coveted visitors are already disoriented enough without sea legs or any sense of direction,” said the officer. “This grave situation could easily turn to chaos without parameters like the Divide.”
Others disagree saying that with all the snow up there no one would even know the thing was missing. They add that if the Continental Divide wants to relocate there is very little anyone can do about it.
Anyone wanting to help is asked to bring loads of rock to the former site and dump it. – Uncle Pahgre
“Today is the first day of the mess of your life.”
– Rahsaan Larry Kleenex
Lucky Summer Fun
(From “Please Don’t Slam the Tent Door and Other Tails”)
Pet Seminar Slated
Colorado Butane Society presents “It is a privilege to have a pet”, a seminar for irresponsible dog and cat owners. Ongoing. Every Tuesday night at the Little Chef Ballroom. Latest statistics indicate that Western Colorado dogs are among the 1% affluent canines group. Stats for cats were not available because none of the target felines returned the questionnaires.
Ouray on Gold Mine
Ouray is full of guano and thermal water. Guano can be mined and the water tapped. Why must we continue to pander to the Tourists from Mars in the summer? Why does Lake Ouray continually refuse to welcome major cruise lines? Why are the parking spaces on Main Street so damn skinny? Did one of our clever bureaucrats shrink them? Does he or she know something we don’t know about optimum use? Just remember the guano part.
Woodsman Eludes Forest Service for 67 Years
An unidentified man has come out of the forest after surviving there since 1947 on berries, nuts and an occasional squirrel. He entered the woods, at 23 to get away from society following the Second World War. Generally on the run from predators, real and imagined, the pine hermit grew hair all over his body and developed sharp teeth and claws with which to climb trees for food and safety. Why he chose this particular time to leave the woods is anyone’s guess since he appears cognizant and his health is excellent. Meanwhile in Manana, Colorado Division of Wildlife officials are trying to determine if the longtime recluse poached any game, left unattended fires or littered during his jungle tenure. The Civil Liabilities Union has promised to look into these accusations if they reach that status. The United States Forest Service is expected to seek retroactive fines.
Animals on the Move, Hungry Enough
Bear and lions are prowling about this time of the year. The bear are trying to gain weight so as to lie around on the couch until April while the lions are watching for an easy meal. That includes humans who do not respect nature and don’t quite grasp the food chain or pecker order in the Rockies. Joggers and bicyclists often resemble fleeing prey to a hungry cougar. Bears can smell your camp food all the way from Canada even if you cook it inside your camper or limit the culinary experience to a can of beans. In addition to the aroused appetites, both of these species are playing musical chairs with the limited cave and den space around these mountains, and that makes them cranky. – Uncle Pahgre
Next time: Loud Mouths in Camp Grounds
High tops the real deal for summer in Uruguay
- No low riders here. Fashion dictates high tops not horseshoes.
