Good Advice

Special to the San Juan Horseshoe by Rev. Phillip Pharisee, Sept. 25, 2014
Hello friends and special patrons. Welcome to Cousin Phil’s Sanctimonious Salvation Parlor and Halfway Lunch Counter.
We are pleased to see that so many of you negotiated the little windshield flyers and found us in the right strip mall so “Come on in for a cup of java and a rap at the hip quick-way-to-paradise church and progressive pyramid accounting temple.
But never you mind the details. We’ll take care of everything whether it’s your eternal soul or the souls of those worn out penny loafers.
Today I’d like to remind the faithful that we must honor and protect His gifts that I am bestowing on the deserving among you. We must be in awe of His universe and not take these wonderful handouts for granted. The entire Creation is yours to enjoy at the top of the pecking order. The pagans and the other species can have what is left when you are done with it.
Now, friends have asked: “Rev. Pharisee, how can I protect the vast universe when I can’t even it?”
The answers to that and a lot of other pertinent questions about faith and hope can be answered in my newest self-published paperback “The Heathen and Heaven” where I lay it down so that anyone can grasp the keen relationships between God and man. It can be purchased right along with your lunch today.
We all spend far too much time chasing the almighty dollar when we should be chasing the Almighty Himself. We ignore His gifts and place them as secondary in our unbalanced set of priorities. A blade of grass for instance…Have you ever really looked closely at one? It is perfectly proportioned. Did it come from a monkey too? Certainly not! Only He and His wisdom could offer this fine congregation something on such a grand scale. It’s a virtual miracle.
And yet everything we see before us has been created in this loving manner. Every leaf, every cloud, every little baby duckling is so very perfect that it boggles the imagination. But once again, what does man do with these blessings and this wondrous heritage? He wastes and squanders it beyond measure. Without stopping to marvel he destroys and shatters our potential paradise on earth.
THIS MUST STOP IMMEDIATLEY!
If you do not stop your idolatrous ways, reject the devil, go away from sin and begin sincere repentance I WILL KILL YOU!
And that’s about it for today, friends and sweet congregation. So go out and spread the good news. You’ll be rich beyond anything we can imagine. And speaking of rich the chapel needs new curtains and my Mercedes needs new tires and a convertible top. You know where the collection plates are located and I am watching who does what. Bless you and enjoy your Salisbury steak and instant mashed potatoes.
NEXT MONTH: “TIGHT UNDERWEAR AND THE WAGES OF SIN”