Author Archive for M. Toole
Local Station Reporting Bogus Baseball Scores
(Montrose, CO San Juan Horseshoe September 25, 2014) A Bland Valley television station is under FCC investigation due to allegations that sportscasters there knowingly reported worn out or invalid baseball scores, a federal offense.
The accusations come from an assortment of sources and are substantiated by three years of Federal Communications Commission investigations according to unreliable sources at home plate.
No motive has been established regarding the inaccuracies while the systematic coverage reeks of more than incompetence.
Purposely reporting false or even late baseball scores is also illegal in most states. A coalition of gov’ment agents is expected tonight in quick strike response to suspected tampering with the national pastime.
“We have reason to conclude that there has been wrongdoing for many years,” said Big “Tiny” Medio, a visiting DA from Green River, Utah. “We just have to prove intent to willfully commit a falsehood. This isn’t just about Colorado. There are baseball fans all over these mountains just trying to catch the scores. Misjudging a fly ball or taking a third strike is bad enough but lying about baseball is downright repulsive.
“We must stop these talking heads before they affect other sports. We wouldn’t want to good name of the NFL or the NBA to be tarnished,” he gestured.
Unconfirmed sources told The Horseshoe that the scandal does not end with bad sports reporting citing an indictment against the station for making up the weather and viciously misleading motorists since 1978.
– Roger Rightfields
“Baseball is what we were. Football is what we’ve become.”
– Pee Wee Biggs
Anti-Solar Demonstrations Rock New York
(Manhattan-Ridgway, CO September 25, 2014) An estimated 200 demonstrators blocked traffic and upset rush hour in Manhattan and Brooklyn today advocating the construction of more nuclear plants and condemning further government research in the field of solar and wind generated energy.
The crowd, a mixture of tattooed businessmen and blue-collar professionals blended with all night disc jockeys union and an assortment of neighborhood toughs looking for someone to stomp.
The philistine assemblage soon began throwing rocks at the sun and shouting, “No Rays!”
Insiders blame the disturbance on poorly informed Fox News personnel who have continually warned that the adoption of solar energy will kill jobs while building coal-generated nuclear power plants is good for the economy.
Actually the reverse is true,” said sociologist studying the behavior of mobs. “Today there are more than twice as many people employed in the solar industry than in the coalfields.”
“Damn the facts,” said one angry believer. “Those solar types would have you believing that the sun is free.”
Citing dangers in solar expansion such as sunburn and an overabundance of chlorophyll, the demonstrators jeered at anyone who did not visibly support them. One angry demonstrator challenged his adversaries to explain what they intended to do with potentially hazardous solar waste materials.
Some statements just don’t deserve a response, no matter how juvenile it might be,” said a four collector solar enthusiast from Connecticut.
An entertainment venue, aimed at drawing supporters from the commuter throng, completely missed its mark. Although the wildly popular Chase Manhattan String Band (“There Goes the Sun” and “You Aren’t My Sunshine”) swooned Union Square, a slim crowd was estimated to be no more than 20 people, and some of those may have been waiting for the uptown bus to the Bronx.
The situation threatened to turn violent as pro-solar militias began surrounding the hapless demonstrators, cut off from their fellows by more than improprieties. Suddenly a grueling late afternoon sun made its way across the wet, tepid sky driving participants, demonstrators, militias and bystanders into the shade for some relief from the heat.
Meanwhile in Ulster County two mounted loonies have reportedly been attacking windmills in some twisted solidarity with the whole affair.
– Estelle Marmotbreath
Birdman Held
(Ouray, CO September 25, 2014) A local man was arrested today after police discovered that he had been using the San Juan Horseshoe to line birdcages in his college aviary.
Rolf Schmidt, a 68-year-old native of Bavaria had no comment at the preliminary hearing, staring in disbelief as to the proceedings. The judge did not set bail and the criminal was carted off to a cold, dark cell to await his trial date, sometime in December or January.
If indicted Schmidt could spend up to 20 years hard time.
Detectives confirmed that this was no isolated incident and that Schmidt has been committing these degradations for years. It was apparent on the scene that he had not changed issues/liners since last year.
“This was a disgusting case of yellow journalism if I have ever seen one,” said an arresting officer.
The birds involved, two parrots and a magpie will undergo physical and psychological tests to determine what damage may have occurred from the close proximity to the newspaper’s content. If any are found to be damaged Schmidt could do another 10 to 15 concurrently.
Legal precedent was established back in 1977 when then associate editor James “Jimmy” Olsen was sentenced to life in prison for using a copy of the tabloid to shine his penny loafers. Olsen only served three days because of prison overcrowding and slick maneuvers on the part of his attorney who insisted that since Olsen was not a real person he should not do real time.
Chief Crazy Horse Warning
- “We were the first victims of corporate
greed, lies and violence.
You are the next.”
– the Ghost of Chief Crazy House, September, 2014
Citizen’s Group to Monitor IRS
(Hooter’s Hollow, Colorado — San Juan Horseshoe – September 25, 2014)
A newly formed citizen’s action group will begin monitoring all phases of the Internal Revenue Service as of January, 2015. The group, composed of professionals, students and defrocked accountants will watch the rogue taxing agency 24 hours-a-day.
Over in neighboring Stringville activists have taken the stakeout to new lengths often holding IRS agents hostage and improvising roadblocks to control cash flow. The observers have set up bi-weekly tax information seminars where citizens can ask questions and fend off harassment by the IRS by employing a defense system against a levying agency that answers to no one.
“Already we have undressed the primary issues and have constructed a firm policy that protects the little guy while it confronts the former untouchables at the IRS.
One concept that met with overwhelming approval was the establishment of an open season on pushy agents. It would resemble a small game season, but no license would be required. The hunter must carry a copy of his last tax return and be prepared to present same when applicable.
Other issues that seem headed for adoption include the hiring of more blind agents and the issuing of cash rewards for particularly creative returns.
– Manual Flushe
