Author Archive for M. Toole
Opinion
Liar’s Poker has no place in the Olympic Games
Projections that the International Olympic Committee might include Liar’s Poker on its 2016 agenda is a slap in the face to all that is good and decent in sports today.
Isn’t it enough that so many of our young people have turned to drugs to escape reality? Now the Olympic spin doctors expect us to watch the finest athletes in the world hang around smoky bars, perpetrating mistruths and desperately searching for the perfect, crisp dollar bill with all the right numbers in all the right lines.
We always thought the Olympics were for the greatest amateurs but apparently there is now room for personal profit.
The United States has boycotted other Olympics for less. We need to stand up and be counted but not on the basis of some pile of bills with or without George Washington on it. How can we even begin to think that an athlete from Nigeria might legitimately compete with someone from Brasil when they do not share a common currency?
The men and women from the six continents, who have trained diligently for the one chance to win a gold, do not deserve this moral descent, this crack in the door letting in the sinister forces of these games of chance. It is our fervent hope that the Olympic Committee comes to its senses before this ancient rivalry turns into Las Vegas, or worse.
I’ve got four sevens.
GIVE TAILINGS FUNDS TO THE NEEDY
The Super Funds that continue to trickle into the region should be handed over to the needy. Within this federally designated depressed area there are over 2500 families that currently exist beneath someone’s poverty line.
The funds, estimated to be around $2.5 billion (over ten years) should be diverted and divided between an estimated 5000 households, giving each one $500,000.
They people can then cleanup the tailings on their own. Is it possible to find another use for the byproducts of our glorious mining days? Could the tailings be jarred and sold as souvenirs? Is moving radioactive material really such a smart idea?
Now we realize that our opinion is forcing its way in the back door. The Super Fund bumbling has been a going concern for over 20 years but it is a mistake to continue these expensive cleanups!
If every tourist would simply take one pound of tailings in their suitcase when they leave these valleys we’d have it all gone by 2030. Isn’t that what the feds are doing? Where do they store it all? Then what? Maybe it could be collected and dumped into the ocean like the Syrian chemical weapons of late. Another great idea. Once it is out of here it’s someone else’s problem.
Using innovative formulas developed at the bar we estimate that the area would be free of tailings and other contaminates by about 2080 which is years ahead of the most accepted approximation. Then we can get back to the business at hand—selling condos to people from Oklahoma and Texas.
—-Western Colorado’s Humor Newspaper
San Juan Horseshoe September 25, 2014
“I have a reputation to withhold.”
– Melvin Toole, after skipping out on a motel bill in Lake City, Colorado
O’Dud and the Meat People
San Juan Horseshoe — September 25, 2014 Colona, CO
Infinite Chapters 82 Part 23
Continued from 2014
so that O’Dud could entice pitching to his friendly little village high in the Rockies. Cannibals like the Giants and entrepreneurs like the Dodgers and Cardinals do it every year while O’Dud rests on his laurels and his carefully engineered team loses 45 games by one or two runs in the late innings because of poor relief pitching.
Paying homage to the war gods Tulowinski and Gonzalez has proven futile due to injuries. Trading prospects for washed out pitchers has been an embarrassment. Beer and food prices at Coors Field are immoral.
Is the problem in the meat lockers of Greely or is it in the minor leagues themselves? Will we be seeing a good team play well next year or will O’Dud and the Meat People continue to wallow, one eye on the slider and one eye on the bottom line? The fans are among the best. They deserve more than a last place finish.
Next month: Top administrators travel to Mars in search for a utility shortstop capable of driving in 150 runs.
Website Expanded to Western Colorado Ghost Towns
The San Juan Horseshoe web page is available in every country on the globe and especially in the Colorado ghost town communities ofGladstone, Henson, Tincup, Needleton, Duncan, Dallas, Piedra, Baldwin, Cathedral. Capitol City, Howardsville (Bullion City), Eureka, Sneffels, Bedrock, Texas Gulch, Thistletown, Paradox, Maher, Coventry, Eldredge, Yellow Jacket, Pittsburg, Ironton, Cahone, Slippery Rock, Portland, Animas, Gothic, Ashcroft, Crystal, Uravan, Sapinero, Marble, Liberty, Lenado, Somerset and Middleton.
(September 25, 2014)
www.sanjuanhorseshoe.com
Good Advice
Special to the San Juan Horseshoe by Rev. Phillip Pharisee, Sept. 25, 2014
Hello friends and special patrons. Welcome to Cousin Phil’s Sanctimonious Salvation Parlor and Halfway Lunch Counter.
We are pleased to see that so many of you negotiated the little windshield flyers and found us in the right strip mall so “Come on in for a cup of java and a rap at the hip quick-way-to-paradise church and progressive pyramid accounting temple.
But never you mind the details. We’ll take care of everything whether it’s your eternal soul or the souls of those worn out penny loafers.
Today I’d like to remind the faithful that we must honor and protect His gifts that I am bestowing on the deserving among you. We must be in awe of His universe and not take these wonderful handouts for granted. The entire Creation is yours to enjoy at the top of the pecking order. The pagans and the other species can have what is left when you are done with it.
Now, friends have asked: “Rev. Pharisee, how can I protect the vast universe when I can’t even it?”
The answers to that and a lot of other pertinent questions about faith and hope can be answered in my newest self-published paperback “The Heathen and Heaven” where I lay it down so that anyone can grasp the keen relationships between God and man. It can be purchased right along with your lunch today.
We all spend far too much time chasing the almighty dollar when we should be chasing the Almighty Himself. We ignore His gifts and place them as secondary in our unbalanced set of priorities. A blade of grass for instance…Have you ever really looked closely at one? It is perfectly proportioned. Did it come from a monkey too? Certainly not! Only He and His wisdom could offer this fine congregation something on such a grand scale. It’s a virtual miracle.
And yet everything we see before us has been created in this loving manner. Every leaf, every cloud, every little baby duckling is so very perfect that it boggles the imagination. But once again, what does man do with these blessings and this wondrous heritage? He wastes and squanders it beyond measure. Without stopping to marvel he destroys and shatters our potential paradise on earth.
THIS MUST STOP IMMEDIATLEY!
If you do not stop your idolatrous ways, reject the devil, go away from sin and begin sincere repentance I WILL KILL YOU!
And that’s about it for today, friends and sweet congregation. So go out and spread the good news. You’ll be rich beyond anything we can imagine. And speaking of rich the chapel needs new curtains and my Mercedes needs new tires and a convertible top. You know where the collection plates are located and I am watching who does what. Bless you and enjoy your Salisbury steak and instant mashed potatoes.
NEXT MONTH: “TIGHT UNDERWEAR AND THE WAGES OF SIN”
