Arms Dealers Feel Peace Crunch

(Geneva-on-the-Lake, Ohio – September 10, 2015)

Heads of the ten largest munitions companies on earth concluded annual summer meetings here on a sour note today. Saying that the demand for weapons has diminished of late, due in part to peace initiatives and domestic aid, the weapons dealers unanimously agreed to persevere.
“Despite the threats to our pocketbook we will continue to press for wars and global military turbulence,” stated a release at the conclusion of the summit. “All this talk of peace is fine but it could translate into the loss if millions of jobs.”
Corporate bosses and their lackeys in the gov’ment have succeeded exporting most manufacturing jobs to emerging nations, leaving the munitions business as one of the only viable industry left in this country.
“Sure, we’re feeling the crunch, said one arms lobbyist, but we’re staying optimistic. We have great faith in man’s inhumanity to man and the natural selection regarding population control.”
The source refused comment when asked if condemnations of gun manufacturers by outspoken pontiff, Pope Francis, had made any impact on industry thinking.
Saying only that the embrace of the dove and the olive branch will lead to bigger problems in the workplace, the lobbyist pointed to leading indicators in Africa and the Middle East defining future warfare.
“Take Angola for example,” he said “We could always count on warlords to purchase four or five tanks and a platoon’s worth of hand-held missiles every six months or so. Now we’re lucky if they order a few assault rifles.”
Dealers are said to be particularly annoyed at peace overtures in Afghanistan and a return to a military dictatorship in Egypt that have clamped down on military operations.
“We figured on hitting our sales goal in North Africa before Christmas but now we can’t project very much,” he continued. “Why even the Serbs and the Croats have ceased hostilities.”
In most rogue nations gov’ment leaders use monies from the sale of natural resources for the purchase of weaponry to use against rivals. Meanwhile the people, legitimate heirs to the resource funds, go hungry and hungry populations provide soldiers, lots of soldiers. It’s an evil merry-go-round that is anything but merry.
Most canon merchants remain confident or cautiously hopeful that the situation will turn around in time.
“Climate change and the radicalization of minorities worldwide has created a positive environment for more conflict everywhere,” said the lobbyist. “Even the terrorists have let us down this billing period. But we still have the Congo where a classic world war has been raging for decades. Sometimes good things come in small packages.”
– Kashmir Horseshoe