White Supremacists Negotiate Greenland Purchase

(Nuuk) A previously unknown White Supremacist cell, that until last week had meekly operated in far reaches of northern Maine, is now conducting negotiations with longtime landlord Denmark for the purchase of the Greenland.

Fear of a woman or another minority ascending to the White House appears to have been the conduit for the move. An estimated 500 legions are said to be ready to take possession of the frozen giant “one way of another”, according to uniformed militia, amassed on hundreds of small vessels along the cold, rocky coast.

“We’ll make them an offer they can’t refuse,” said one old salt, sitting on a his ship’s only lifeboat in Baffin Bay. “We don’t need food either because we’re tough and accustomed to foraging.”

Greenland, located between the Arctic and Atlantic Oceans, is the largest island in the world if one considers Australia to be a continent. Most of its population are Inuit and speak a bastardized Greenlandic that even the bearded seals and musk oxen don’t understand.

“If the Danes don’t come to terms we’ll storm the place.” pledged several of the Aryans. “It worked in Poland.”

According to a recent statement the group first looked into acquiring the Falkland Islands (Islas Malvinas if you are Argentine) but the Brits weren’t interested in selling. Africa was out since former colonial experiments there have failed miserably. “Southern Chile or even the Cook Islands showed promise but they are too far south to pick up Rush Limbaugh or other rightist heroes on the radio.”

“We are seeking an Aryan Utopia,” explained one man busily loading shells into an amphibious craft, a nation of armed utopians are we.”

The Danish government had no official comment on the proceedings. Many leaders there privately conveyed hopes along with fears that with the rapid warming of the planet Greenland might have palm trees, sandy beaches and a tropical air about it in no time at all.

Although Greenland was granted home rule Denmark still manipulates the island’s icy purse strings. That tiny European country controls foreign policy and most importantly monetary policy.

“We could have another Miami Beach up there on the Arctic,” said one critics of the transfer. “Think of all the white hotels and the beautiful people dropping money from the sky!”

“We have been baby-sitting the place since the early 18th Century and would like to at least recoup our initial investments,” he said. “These upstarts are offering little more than carfare. Selling the island now makes about as much sense as charging a herd of rhinoceros with an ax handle.”

– Mr. Ha Ha

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