When GOP Candidates Pushed From Tree, Some Bounce

(Madison, WI — The Perennial Arborist — September 26, 2015)

A majority of Republican presidential candidates bounce when they hit the ground from the 50 to 100 feet categories. After more extended testing and painful failures 67% do not make contact with the cold, hard ground and go splat. The fete champe’tre, sponsored by the upstart Pitchfork Party, relies on catching liars and scalawags who prey on people’s religious fears.

“We seek to replace common everlasting life fears with strong and powerful spiritual understanding and tolerance,” said a spokesperson for the secret society. “We can change the world and out first move is to seize and silence destructive liars and push them out of trees on the weekend.”

Most Pitchfork folk, tired of the repetitious crap disguised as Democracy, lamented that one tree won’t be enough.

“We wanted a symbol, one tree, like Washington’s cherry tree or Nathan Hale’s hanging tree. Maybe an old growth redwood or a nice hemlock would do,” said the grass roots party source.

Although it is clear that the Pitchfork Party cares little whether the offending charlatan bounces or splats it makes for good press.

“We’ll have these fear purveyors on the run when their corps comes to grips with the intensity of Mother Earth, the far from forgiving crust (only 6000 years old) and the trauma of the climb,” added another Pitchfork enthusiast, her face covered with a coffee sack. “We don’t expect to conduct systematic executions but cannot be responsible for what happens between the initial push and the contact with the dirt and rocks below.
Most of the sentenced candidates stop talking with their gods on the way down.
To date Jeb Bush, Marco Rubio, Donald Trump, Ben Carson bounced when they hit the ground while Wisconsin governor Scott Walker, Ted Cruz and Mike Huckabee and Carly Fiorina did not.

Candidates from the Democratic Party were not included in this sideshow pageant but clearly remain in the sights of the Pitchfork rank and file who, since none has played the Jesus card, are not yet considered panderers of fear and hateful xenophobes.
“If we support any of these candidates and they do not perform as promised we will begin pushing them from their massive bureaucracy in the fall,” said the original spokesperson. “The good of the nation comes long before partisan politics.”

– Tommy Middlefinger

For related banter please turn to Koch Brothers Accidentally Beaten by Police page 49