River Testosterone Levels Concern Officials

(Norwood) Dangerously low testosterone levels in the San Miguel River may lead to the draining of that artery according to sources at the county level. Shocking data, extracted from tributaries each spring, clearly shows a drop of some 14% since the same time in 2013.

Experts blame diet and the political climate for the decrease, which is linked to uncertainty and misdirection on the part of males 18-30 years-of-age. Once a bastion of sexual potency, the river has experienced continued shortfalls despite regular injections of home remedy enhancement concoctions since 1997.

“This was never a problem,” said one local official, “when Bill Clinton was President.”

Despite aggressive cross-examination the source refused to elaborate.