US Demands Return of 55 Chevys

(Miami) In an rash departure from warming diplomacy toward its estranged tropical neighbor, the United States today demanded the return of all 1955 series Chevrolet sedans and coupes now resting on Cuban soil. The surprise summons comes just as the two nations, at odds for decades, had begun talks on such bugaboos as immigration, baseball and economic blockades.

It is estimated that over 2000 Bel Airs and other models are on the road here and another in use all over the country.

In a surprising return to Cold War rhetoric the United States today
demanded that Cuba return of all 1955 Chevys now on the island.
Cars like the one above have become a rarity in the US
despite the fact that they were once made here.

“People aren’t keeping these classics in their garage to parade around in on holidays,” said Juan Tonomo, a Havana mechanic. “They drive them. They manufacture parts for them, They wax them. They cherish them. If the Americans try to take back the 55s they’ll surely be a fight. Another Bay of Pigs but maybe this time in Florida.”

Although General Motors, builder and designer of the cars, insists that they belong on US soil there is no clear legal precedent, especially across the dangerous straits that divide the two poorly ruled citizenries. The cars were procured, stolen, rescued, purchased, inherited, abandoned and discovered following the exit of America’s little dictator buddy Fulgencio Batista and the accompanying Mafia sideshow. They have since melded into the Cuban psyche, since Fidel came to town in 1959.

“We are certain Detroit is behind this,” say Washington sources. “They have been jealous of the performance and longevity of the older vehicles especially if one compares some of the recent bombs such as the Cavalier and the Pinto (Ford) which arrived on the scene shortly after the Cuban Missile Crisis.”

One of the reasons the automobiles have survived, especially in the climate, (both natural and fiscal), is the preponderance of fix-it concerns all over the country. Nothing is thrown away. Landfills are saved the indignity of staring down barely used toasters, building materials and discarded clothing. When a car breaks down it is repaired, even if the part must be fashioned or the engine overhauled.

“The government is bad but the people are good just like everywhere else in the world,” said Tonomo. “But the poor ones are always the ones to suffer the most when things turn sour. Taking their cars away would be the end.”

Sources in Detroit disagree with the appraisals saying they are merely nostalgic and want their cars to be back home where they belong.

“We look longingly toward Havana,” said Arlo Witte, a spokesman for GM. “We bare them no malice. We feel we can better provide for the 55s and offer them more security, a better future here.”

Up to now the US interests have yet to produce so much as a title or proof of registration. Cuban officials say the cars may have never been part of the American landscape.

“All that Dinah Shore See the USA in Your Chevrolet nonsense was so contrived,” frowned Tonomo. “We would have had songs like that except e couldn’t think of a car that rhymed with our island.”

Lobbyists indentured to the auto giants have been hammering Congress to terminate the economic embargo that has been in force “since the Communist takeover”, so that they could sell cars there. Insiders confirm that meetings have taken place and some preliminary agreements have been approved over rum and cigars.

Perhaps the most plausible solution, according to State Department innuendo is to cave in and give Havana what it has wanted for all of these dark years…a Major League baseball franchise.

“Then they might be more inclined to return the cars, according to diplomats at the North Dakotan Embassy which represents US interests since there is no ambassador in residence in Cuba.

US officials were not clear on what action might be taken if the cars are not returned.