UAE Pilgrims Procure Plot on Mars

(Utopia Basin) Astronauts from the United Arab Emirates have reportedly raised that nation’s flag on a small strip of Martian land about the size of Manhattan Island. The property, purchased for some trinkets and 30 pieces of silver, runs from Isidis Basin through volcanoes, craters and mounds of red dust to Hellas Basin in the Southern Highlands.

Despite the perceived absence of fresh water in the Martian ecosystem early arrivals hope that salt water may be present.

“Our acquisition offers protection from dust storms and a very good harbor from which to continue our exploration and dominate weaker alien life,” said Conor Sturgeon, who spent 2 months orbiting the Red Planet late last year. “My virgin flight that was suppose to cover the 300 million miles in several weeks stretched into ten times that amount leaving me with nothing to eat but frozen tamales and Grape Tang.”

“Boredom was my biggest enemy. I counted stars. I watched John Wayne movies. I missed my dog terribly. I read everything I could get my thumbs on. Reading is a challenge in weightlessness. You just put the book down for a moment and it’s gone. It’s tough enough to locate books in English in the backcountry of South America. Try finding English titles in outer space?” he said. “It’s next to impossible.”

The first UAE spacecraft reached the Martian orbit last month marking the first time a Middle Eastern country staked out a scientific presence in the region. The primary mission was to study the planet’s atmosphere and climate but the space crew couldn’t pass up the rock bottom cost of real estate, reminiscent of America’s Rust Belt in the 80s.

“We’re looking at putting up 7000 condos over at Noachis Terra on our next voyage,” said one astronaut, “and the construction of a state-of-the-art performance center to be christened Chryse Planitia in honor of Venetian soap opera star and love goddess who choked to death on a pastrami sandwich in 2018.

The earthlings await tons of survival equipment that is expected to make its descent on Friday (Saturday on Mars). The cargo includes daily requirements of freeze-dried guilt laced with fear-based philosophies, plastic water bottles and life-ending weaponry.

– Syd Fahrdt