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Bible, Constitution Most Abused, Misquoted

(Wimpton) The Christian Bible and the United States Constitution rank first and second as the most manipulated of all known human documents, it was disclosed today.
Charlatan cherry pickers who lift passages out of context or time period, and politicians, who distort the basic framework to make their point, are the most destructive culprits. These purveyors of false information unscrupulously tamper with these honored credentials in order to control those of even less intelligence.
“We have a situation where fear, ignorance and misinformation have overlapped to create a sense of confusion and mistrust in the U.S. and throughout the world,” said a theological historian who has been collecting data on the subject since the 1970s.
“The only method to halt the spread of this polarizing propaganda is the development of an educated population which we don’t see happening at this time.”

BP given until 2039 to comply with environmental standards

(Bayou Debris   Canal Street Snooper —  August 10, 2015)

(New Orleans) British Petroleum “the scourge of the Gulf Coast” was granted a reprieve today in its attempts to skip out on financial responsibilities associated with the Deepwater Horizon oil spill of 2010, the worst in U.S. history.
The spill, estimated at 4.9 million barrels of crude, was capped 87 days later but not before precipitating an explosion and subsequent sinking of the primary rig 42 miles off the coast of Louisiana. The man-made disaster killed eleven people as well as uncounted marine animals and resulted in the mass destruction of the ecosystem.
After a series of plea bargains, British Petroleum, whose legend includes fracking and uniform disposal of democratically elected leaders in the Mideast, has won what appears to be “a great victory for fossil fuel research.”
Even though the company has been fined they will never pay what they owe, according to environmental lawyers.
“They will simply keep the matter in court until the issue cools off and the American people forget all about it,” said one prosecutor, reportedly sickened by the verdict.
Meanwhile British Petroleum has spent millions on “happy ads” showing that the quality of life has returned to south Louisiana due to the efforts of your friends over at British Petroleum.
“They actually found local whores willing to sell out their beaches and the future of their families for 24 pieces of silver. It’s far cheaper to produce lies on film than pay up,” said one activist who is calling for the life imprisonment of all top BP executives.
The length of the extension is the longest on record. The initial date for compliance was set at 2020 but the Environmental Protection Agency, crippled by recent budget cuts, decided to throw in an extra 19 years “as a gesture of good faith”.
One BP official welcomed the news saying that his company would probably cease exploration before that time anyway due to the expense of extracting oil and growing public anger and distrust focused on the petroleum industry.
“If we can hold out on paying these fines we can reinvest the money in burgeoning industries like munitions and genetically modified foods while we figure out how to fleece the woolies on solar, wind and hemp production.”
She said that “soon people would be eating oil and gas for breakfast” and that “our energy companies will again be in the forefront to providing that fodder.
“You need us. You’ll soon be thanking us,” she affirmed.
– Uncle Pahgre

Ute Shopping Trip to Montrose

Ute Shopping Trip to Montrose

Ute braves on a shopping trip to Montrose circa 1890.

Ute braves on a shopping trip to Montrose circa 1890.

Dinosaurs Bored to Death?

(Old Stone Age Thought —  August 10, 2015)

(Rangely) Scientists working in remote, rugged stretches of Northwest Colorado have stumbled across somewhat disturbing data intimating that dinosaurs and other giant lizards may not have met their demise due to a great flood, climate change or a break in the food chain, as had been previously surmised.
The extinct titans are believed to have suffered their last indignity in the high valleys of the Rockies and in particular near what were then the thriving cave person centers of Sunbeam and Maybell.
“We found fossils and prehistoric relics all over the ground here,” Said Professor Rex Tyrone of the University of Downtown Delta. “Many of these preserved treasures suggest nail biting, endless migrations, petty squabbles and depression. All of these symptoms are linked to chronic boredom, and we have just scratched the Paleolithic surface.”
Tyrone, himself a bit of a dinosaur in the halls of higher education, told The Horseshoe that these same behavior patterns have emerged within the humans species since the invention of the wheel and later, the internet.
“The tedious yet humdrum existence may well have caused the dinosaurs to make a hasty exit, self-destructing as early as 9000 BC, give or take a few millenniums,” he explained. “The end of these reptiles can be directly related to the “too much time on his hands” postulate that we observe in RV enthusiasts, daytime TV viewers and people who hoard money.”
The researcher went on to suggest that many dinosaurs lost their way during liar’s poker games that were quite popular throughout the Epicurean Era.
Other scientists, considering this biological and behavioral phenomenon, disagree vehemently with Tyrone’s hypothesis calling it childish speculation. One added that Tyrone “couldn’t tell the difference between a Brontosaurus and a Bratwurst.”
In his signature cool response, Tyrone suggested that his boredom theory has both metaphysical and geographic merit.
“These charlatans should spend a Saturday night in Rangely so as to grasp the concept of dullness, monotony and ennui,” spouted Tyrone. “Just one Saturday night is all I ask and they will see that my findings take on a meaningful clarity. In a nutshell: It ain’t no Delta.” – Gabby Haze

Early Swimming Lessons No Help With Bed Wetting

(Ridgway, CO — Yellow River Press – May 10, 2015)

Enrolling toddlers in swimming programs will do little or nothing to relieve the symptoms of bed wetting issues say physicians at Mao Clinic here. Although the associations are clear and the links are obvious, submerging little children in water in the morning won’t help them stay dry through the night.
Staying dry in bed and getting wet in the pool have no connection. Often children wet the bed due to juvenile traumas that increase with guilt and fear of repetition. Most will grow out of the behavior and should not be pressured.
“Our kids turn out to be great swimmers,” said Coach Eddie Edwards of the Montrose Marlins. “We have never considered any other therapy that may be going on in the pool. Bed-wetting has never been an issue, even with the younger swimmers. Besides, how would we know if the condition was present? Everybody’s soaked here.”
The origin of this kind of thinking has never been clear. Pediatricians remain guarded about any positives that may emerge due to socialization and sleeping structure, or even the affects of cold water on the developing human body.
“Coincidental solutions are valid,” said one medical researcher. “But we can’t rely on them. The rule of thumb here is prevention. Water intake before bed and monitoring can help. Keep the patient in a cool and dry place. Apply behavior modification. Swimming lessons, like flying lessons, salsa lessons or cooking lessons will do little to lessen bed-wetting.
– Tommy Middlefinger

Thousands Trapped Inside TVs

(Gladstone, CO — Cultural Wastelands Press —  August 10, 2015)

Thousands, perhaps more of your favorite broadcast icons are being held prisoner inside television sets it was disclosed this morning. Actors, news anchors, game show entourages, afternoon soap stars, weight-loss gurus and cartoons, held against their will inside the boxes and flat screens are half-starved, deprived of sleep and routinely beaten by media Nazis on both sides of the political spectrum.
“This has little to do with applied politics. It’s more about bondage…bondage and control,” said Edwin Paar, who escaped the clutches of black and white television on the streets of Hollywood in 1956. Paar and others who have returned from depths of a seedy and decadent Television Land tell others of the awful fate that awaits chronic viewers to this day.
“How do you think they get all those fat people onto a flat screen?” asked Paar. “Is something wrong here?”
On-screen slavery followed by internment is more than most can handle. Snippets of information released by sadistic guards, aimed at tormenting already traumatized family members, have indicated that many of the incarcerated do not survive the Spartan lifestyle, expire, and have to be dumped out of the back of the television set in the dark of night.
“The world of bright lights and fantasy seduced them in the first place and now they get a heavy diet of what they thought they were searching for,” quipped Paar, himself a former talk show host who retired before the medium became a monster.
It is feared that many in a position to alleviate the problem are hesitant to take on the powerful television lobby. Several polled insist that a rescue would throw the fragile communications grid into a tailspin, one that it may not allow for recovery.
“We think a lot of these personalities, hacks and front men who have gotten themselves into this mess should get themselves out of it,” quacked Paar. “Besides the terrorists (Can we not call them terrorists?) will certainly shoot the hostages if we attempt a archetypal military assault, whatever that is.”
Authorities had considered stepping in when a series of short films surfaced on Who Tube showing talking heads without legs and a network climatologist forced to make meaningless, sweeping hand gestures far into the night.
Anyone who would like to help these poor unfortunates out of the television sets can send funds to Box 1209, Ouray, CO 81427. Cash only. No pledges. – “Shroom DelFisher

“If all else fails you could always go to work for the gov’ment.”
– General US Grant to Robert E Lee, Appomattox Court House, April 9, 1865