All Entries Tagged With: "Silverton"

Missouri Exhibitionist Demands Diplomatic Immunity

(Montrose) A Missouri man, in custody for allegedly exposing himself to the local ladies’ gardening club over the weekend, has claimed diplomatic immunity in his defense.

Citing his state’s slogan; Show Me, Horace Moon insists he is innocent on all accounts.

“Mr. Moon was well within his state constitutional rights at the time of the incident,” said attorney Beatrice Buffe of Denver. “He was only adhering to his patriotic duty as he saw it. His vindication is simply a matter of time and, of corpse, my legal fees.”

The garden gathering feels differently. According to the police report, Moon jumped a seven-foot trellis, shattered an expensive bird bath and frightened three small dogs before dropping his britches to his knees and scowling at the perfumed assemblage.

“Then he began chanting, jumping up and down and screeching a distorted variation of the Rebel Yell,” said Marguerite Worthington Bulbous (of the Riverbottom Bulbouses). “I know that yell when I hear it. My father employed the spine-tingling scream it every night when he hit the hay with mother.”

Bulbous, a long-term member of the Unwed Daughters of the Confederacy, went on to say that the petunia crop would probably not survive another monsoon while tougher flowers like pansies and marigolds would suffer hardships in the case of a drought but would live on to fight another day.

Moon, a native of Lamar (also the birthplace of Harry Truman) is known to be “as stubborn as a Missouri mule” according to close friends. A former scout for the St Louis Cardinals, his extracurricular trench coat activities have plagued him since childhood.

Currently incarcerated at the local calaboose, Moon sits defiantly, alone and without remorse in his orange tear-away jumpsuit. At press time the Show Me State has refused pleas to pay his bail, set at $25,000. His trial is set for sometime after Christmas.

– Jack Spratt

DISPUTE WITH SWISS COULD COST OURAY

(Red Mountain Pass) The Swiss government today filed suit against the town of Ouray over a series of alleged copyright violations. The action focuses on the continued use of the slogan Switzerland of America and a web address domain that the Europeans insist have been previously registered.

     Attorneys for the town of Ouray have been rather candid in response saying that Ouray should settle out of a quart before the Swiss start pulling out their little red army knives. They suggest that the Colorado town offer Switzerland several smaller peaks, free tickets to Box Canyon and a player to be named later.

     More on this if it develops.

Pentagon to Release Cartoon Show

(Arlington, VA) What ever happened to the refined violence common to Sylvester the Cat and Tweety Pie? Wasn’t the punch of Mighty Mouse enough to inspire primitive instincts in children? Apparently not.

This morning the Pentagon, frustrated over what members say is “no more than animated Congressional grandstanding,” has announced the completion of its first cartoon pilot entitled Bazooka Joe and Friends. It will air this weekend.

The cartoon, which features military tactics that might impress the likes of Napoleon, is the brainchild of General Worthington Bulbous, the 300-pound war horse/illustrator who has given himself so many battlefield commendations (right there from his desk drawer) that he can barely stand. He even wears the medals to bed. Aides say its the shear weight of his accomplishments, and not the Old Forester from the night before, that causes him to be so difficult in the morning. Either way, the man has enough brass to construct a suspension bridge across the Potomac.

The cartoon cast, all of them volunteers, reside in the endless system of Pentagon tunnels attempting to evade the alien oil creatures from the planet Opaque, who seek to pacify them. If the story line isn’t original the level of violence certainly is, leading to concerns on the part of parents and teachers that the show is destructive.

“Bazooka Joe sends the wrong message to our kids,” said Patsy Paste-Smith, a principal at Lee Harvey Oswald Junior High, in suburban Virginia. These cartoons are far too life-like and far to itchy to pull the nuclear trigger.”

Sources at the Pentagon defend the program in that it may work well as a recruiting tool and gives the military a safe place to test weaponry.

“Bazooka Joe is the perfect recruiter,” said Bulbous. “Just watch his tear-jerking plea convincing the other cartoons to get up and fight! We want to educate the kids as to the advantages of war while they’re still young enough to enjoy it in its purist form. Explosions, dematerializing and capitulation to fire power are part of their sacred legacy here in these United States,” said the general.

A stunning cameo, by Uncle Scam himself, will highlight the first episode while the inventive neutron bomb ring and decoder will be featured down the road.

All profits from the broadcast will be used to paint the Pentagon camouflage as a defense against the imagined incursions of guerrillas operating out of the Zoological Gardens somewhere north or south of here.

-Suzie Compost

One last glimpse….

The colors of autumn gold are gone in the high country, making way for cold, crisp blue winter skies and green pines all dressed up in a heavy blanket of white snow.

Ridgway Moving Sidewalk Repaired

(Pleasant Valley) Ridgway’s state-of-the-art horizontal tongue-and-groove escalator is again back up and running according to transportation engineers on the spot. The contraption had caught fire and sustained water damage as well as severe floor burns during an overtime basketball game between Ridgway and Ouray in 1964.

“We’ve been waiting for parts,” said Ted Yoder, inventor of the sidewalk who relocated to the Uncompahgre Valley from Vermont some 42 years ago. “They have to come all the way from Grand Junction.”

A boon to joggers, the moving sidewalk is expected to entice over 400,000 tourists to the town in 2018 alone. Built solely of ponderosa pine, the sidewalk runs in a circle from the Mentone Hotel to Cow Creek Hall and back. Funds for the repair came from a car wash held at the top Imogene Pass every September 9.

At the time of construction it was perceived that the sidewalk would put off the inevitability of traffic signals in the environs of the town.

– Jolly Pena

BRONCOS GET HELP ON OFFENSIVE LINE

(Denver) The Denver Broncos today signed veteran right tackle Walter Buffalo to a series of one-year contracts with stunted yet lucrative incentives. Saying that the team had been hard pressed to find a healthy human to do the job, a spokesman for the player personnel office assured fans that Walter was capable of performing at NFL levels.

“He didn’t play a down of high school ball because he didn’t go to high school,” said Anwar Tripuka. “His college career, as a “Colorado” Buffalo, was cut short because of grades and conflicting dietary plateaus at Boulder.”

Ed, as his teammates call him, is somewhat concerned about playing on astroturf which he feels is a dangerous waste of talent. Unlike most NFL defenses he is currently having a problem with the Broncos’ intricate offensive scheme.

“At first nobody wanted to room with him on the road because of…uh…the hair and all,” said Tripuka, “but his stunning personality has won out over any negative considerations at play.”

Walter is the first resident of the Southeast Asia to suit up in the professional ranks. His ability, marred to a certain extent because of social mores, seems to be highlighting itself at the end of each practice where he is clearly searching for spiritual meaning in playbooks and challenging running backs at the line of scrimmage.

Rocky Flats