EUROTRASH NEWS

Our man Toole has recently returned from Europe after a month long holiday. He files this report:

French Oysters Bred With Pull Tabs

(Kinsale, Republic of Ireland) A way out across the Celtic Sea Frenchmen are making it easier to eat shellfish. According to a piece in The Cork Examiner they’re doing it by breeding a new, more resilient oyster which is larger and comes with a handy pull tab.

For centuries humans have struggled opening oysters, a highly edible bivalve mollusk, before devouring the delicacy. Rubber gloves, blades and bandages have all been part of the salty entourage. Now, thanks to notable French chefs, these days appear to be ending.

“Although my sensibilities are rubbed the wrong way I suppose there’s nothing to do now but grab some baguettes and horseradish sauce,” said Gilles Clamette, author of A Duck Is Not A Pigeon and hundreds of other gourmet cooking anthologies.

Although the impact of these developments is expected to be significant, the story has appeared only in Irish newspapers, which are considered the final source on murky maritime matters in Northern Europe.

“It’s not like an Irishman to twist the truth, or embellish an important breakthrough with deceptive or wheedling statements,” said Clamette. “Besides, just how far can rational mankind stretch an oyster.”

ITALY ON CRASH DIET

(Naples) The Italian government continues to encourage its people to diet so as to overcome the perception that many Italians are obsessed with food. Since 1990, leaders in Rome have been praising healthy eating habits and applauding the practice of eating light.

A government endorsed light luncheon would be comprised of a Caesar salad, a bowl of minestrone, steamed clams, sardines, antipasto, formaggio (cheeses) bread in olive oil, frito misto (a mixed grill of seafood or liver, artichokes and cauliflower), scallopine al marsala and pollo al cacciatora over a bed of spaghetti or vermicelli. Of course a bottle of wine or two is traditional, as is a helping of neopolitan ice cream and fruit followed by a cup of espresso.

“If people would simply embrace the concept of eating light they would soon reap a veritable cornucopia of benefits,” said a government decree. “We not asking anyone to starve himself here.”

IRISH PUBS TO STAY OPEN LATER

(County Sligo) Irish pubs will remain open later than the legal time next year thanks to a government finding that no one pays attention to the law anyway. The pubs, center of social life in this culture are, by law, to be opened at 10 am and closed at 11:30 pm. The new regulation allows for an extra hour of operation.

“What a relief, said a barman at Hargadon Brothers on O’Connell Street. “Now we won’t have to wind the clock.”

An independent study recently concluded that it is quite rare to find a pub that ever closed at the prescribed time anyway. In some cases the doors were locked at around midnight with the patrons stuck to their stools, suspended in time, but even that was unlikely.

What are the gardai going to do, shut us down?” asked a publican at McLaughlin’s over on Market Street “Mind you, how would they buy a pint when they’re off duty?”

Euros Upsetting Goats

(Healy Pass, County Cork)) Wherever one goes in Ireland he is bound to run into Angora goats. They’re everywhere, standing out with their long hair and curious punk-like brands. Before the Euro began replacing the Irish pound as the acceptable means of currency these animals were quite docile, happy to send their days grazing in the green rolling hills or the sparsely vegetated cliffs of their homeland.

Now all that has changed.

“They just can’t get the hang of it,” said Dan O’Sullivan, a sheepman from nearby Castletownbere. “It was tough enough on the poor creatures when all those French arrived with their francs, then the Germans with their marks and the Brits with their sterling. Later the Americans showed up with their dollars. My sheep, God bless ’em, didn’t have a clue as to exchange rates and the like,” he explained. “Then they bring on this Euro currency, supposed to unite the European community and all…What it’s done is put my flock into outer space, fiscally speaking.”

O’Sullivan went on to say that he now spends hours upon hours helping his charges adjust to the new currency.

“I just want to make sure they don’t get ripped off, especially with winter coming on and all the tourists about.”

Russian Leaders Constipated

(Moscow) Decades after Glasnost many former Communist leaders remain constipated, according to reports circulating Red Square. Despite efforts on the part of many world health organizations the situation has become chronic and could affect world peace in the future.

Blamed in part on diet, or the lack of such, the monumental problem rears its head from St. Petersburg to the Caucasus. Russian experts fear that a constipated Politburo member, or Potato Head as detractors lovingly call them, is more apt to be cranky and lethargic.

     Historically, when Russian leaders fall into this state, they are more difficult to budge when it comes to changes to a free market economy and in negotiations with the West.

     Doctors prescribe more fruit and vegetables and less sausage and vodka.

Bingo Treatment Center Opens Today

(Montrose) The region’s first bingo treatment center has scheduled an open house for this afternoon. Located in the recently abandoned Wal-Mart building on South Townsend Avenue, the diversionary sports/recovery complex has been praised as both a recycling marvel and a boon to urban renewal efforts.

Encouraging both potential patients and interested parties to attend, the medical staff will present a wide selection of prescribed treatment programs both out-patient and full care. Civic leaders, expected to be in attendance, hope the opening will encourage further growth in compliance with the intricate masterplan for the Grandjunctification of the Uncompahgre Valley.

The facility, officially named St. Roscoe’s Bingo Rehabilitation Hub, after the patron saint of bingo and RVs, has been bankrolled with cash confiscated from illegal lottery operations/surplus DUI funds, and thanks to a grant from the Native American Consortium of Gambling Casinos and Golf Courses in Colorado and New Mexico. In addition, addicts on scholarship will sell bingo cards door-to-door here in order to raise additional operating capital for field trips and the like.

Its 40-bed recovery area features a veteran staff made up of medical personnel, sociologists and recovering bingo addicts. Shock treatment will take place solely at night and always under the strict supervision of authorized bingo callers, while a full time alchemist is slated to be on duty 24 hours per day. Physical therapy, hypnotism and magic crystals are to be prescribed only in the most chronic cases.

The treatment center, in compliance with city ordinances, is non-smoking but a system of sealed off lounges offering bad coffee, grocery check-out periodicals, card tables and ash trays will grace both the B-29 and R-16 floors, where smoking is permitted.

“We want to thank the entire community for supporting this progressive approach to ending bingo perversion,” said Dr. Simon Lackluster, head cardiologist at the clinic. After all, bingo abuse should not be classified as a mental illness. Think of all the money we could save if we stopped punishing addicts as criminals.”

Lackluster says the goal of the center is to provide the community with healthy bingo players upon release.

– Kashmir Horseshoe

Stacking Wood For Winter May Require Building Permit

(Gunnison) If you plan to construct a wood pile for the coming winter first you might have to acquire a building permit from the city here. Stipulations as to the size of the structure and longevity of its very existence will determine the cost of such a license.

Residents are also reminded that they must own at least two lots and have utilities in place before the first piece of oak or aspen is chopped and stacked.

Although thought to be extreme by many, the new restrictions should raise nearly $5000 in revenues which will be earmarked for a Christmas party for local sanitation engineers in December. Known as the Garbageman’s Ball, the event fell out of favor with the local city council when it became apparent that 70% of the city’s population relies on garbage men rather than elected officials to get necessary information on city matters. Rumors of beer drinking at the ball further clouded the gullible public appraisal.

The council intends to follow through with this plan if it’s the last and only thing they do before the holidays, according to a source there.

“At least we’re the ones they show on TV, and not those garbage ruffians,” said one councilmember.

The weekly council meetings are shown on clothes circuit TV every Monday night, bookended by classic episodes of I Love Lucy.

Meanwhile in adjacent Crested Butte, leaders there praised themselves for restraint in this matter. In Telluride, politicos, bruised from accusations that they are far too bureaucratic for their own good, also lauded official moderation on the general subject of wood stacks.

Readers will note that both ski burgs have strict wood burning ordinances and the zones are virtually wood stack free as of press time. Anyone building wood stacks there would almost have to be doing it for the exercise.

– Rocky Flats

House Votes to Raise Ceiling

(Denver) The Colorado House voted overwhelmingly today to raise the ceiling in its historic Molly Brown Chambers. The blueprint calls for an extra three feet to be built into the existing framework giving elected officials more room to dramatize, wave their hands about, point the finger at opponents, and even filibuster.

“It takes a lot of room to filibuster,” reminded Rep. Gwenne Sprawl (R- Aurora). “Our task is difficult but everyone here favors expansion of one kind or another.”

Contractors, double-dipping as trades lobbyists, suggested that the creation of extra space will allow  Representatives more room in which to leave issues up in the air. In addition the new anatomy will allow for the display of Native American artifacts and photos of such Colorado standouts as Kit Carson, John Evans and the late Red Miller.

“And the acoustics are far better which might come in handy when someone wants to make a point or play a tune on the old trombone,” laughed a Finnish carpenter attempting to manipulate the over 500 yards of Latvian lattice trim implants that will cap the erection.

I hope we don’t run into structural problems,” continued Sprawl. The first estimates clearly indicate that the whole project would require a simple retaining wall covered up with drywall and a few coats of paint. Our budget cannot withstand any more surprises.”

While debate rages as to the color of the new paint, the House has tabled discussion on such tired topics as crime, pollution, dogs at large, education standards, the Bronco pass rush, overflowing landfills, the price of gasoline, water issues, chuckholes and a UN sanctioned invasion of Wyoming.

“We’re working on a strict deadline here and hope to complete construction by July 4th,” said an aluminum blinds contractor. “We may have to work right along with lawmakers on this one.  We’ll try not to make too much noise while the legislators are in session.”

– Small Mouth Bess

Now you can vote at Wal-Mart

(Montrose) Registered voters wishing to do their duty this election can simply cast their stones at the local Wal-Mart rather than wasting precious shopping time at the polls. Along with voting, citizens are reminded that they can open credit accounts, get married, have children, pay taxes and be buried here too.

It sets a convenient precedence according to sources within this framework and “can only lead to more mindless consumption and greater profits for everyone.

“We want to help the average Joe stay very damn average,” smiled one part-time greeter who does not qualify for company benefits.

The Wal Mart voting booth will be open for a week prior to election day so that citizens are not forced to change their schedules and focus on just one day. Information as to how to vote and who to vote for will be provided at the entrance. Persons who have not as yet registered can do so with their Wal Mart credit card.

“People can easily forget that it’s Tuesday…election day. We’re doing our part for this great democracy!” whines an in-store announcement. “And after you vote don’t forget to check out the seasonal items on aisle three.”

Meanwhile down in sunny Arizona corporate militias have succeeded in apprehending some of the last ma and pa operatives in the Phoenix area. At press time there are only a few of the “unaffiliated” holdouts remaining. On the site of what was a great kosher deli is now a chain burger place. It’s the same all over the place. The city without a city has been transformed into chainland. The Phoenix has crash landed.

Although the status of the former self-employed radicals was not completely clear a police spokesman said they “are being de-programmed and retrained for positions as cashiers at a chain gas station. Persons who do not adapt to the masterplan are taken to what’s left of the desert and left to fend for themselves. Some of the unlucky ones will end up pushing lead within their government.

“We’re not at liberty to talk about the situation in Arizona,” said a Wal-Mart voice. “We have a strong economy here too and it will continue to boom just as long as everyone cooperates,” said the stooge.

– Melvin O’Toole

WILSON PEAK ON MEET THE PRESS

(Ames) Local standout and member of the 14er Club, Wilson Peak, will be the featured live guest on Meet the Press Sunday morning. The mountain, which recently shed an amazing 85 pounds in just twelve weeks, will appear as part of a weight-loss reading list promotion.

     (Break for ice cream commercial).

Joining her on the popular talk show will be her half-sister Mount Wilson who also lost a substantial amount of weight (45 pounds) during the same time period. The two will talk about their victory over fat and lingering  snowfields.

Wilson Peak (right) is shown in the attached photograph with her half-sister Mount Wilson. The almost twins were named after Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys and are no relation to the late President Woodrow Wilson as local legend records it.

“I remember when we had to dress Wilson Peak in mounds of white just so she wouldn’t look so very obese,” said Mount Wilson. “All of us full-figured mountains soon discover that lighter colors are far more flattering and make us look smaller.”

(Break for ice cream commercial).

If all goes well during the filming of the program both mountains are sure to be invited back for a follow-up on chronic complexion problems slated for late August. That show will also celebrate a recent Department of the Interior decision to approve the construction of trophy homes above 14,000 feet by 2002.

The chore of traveling with and delivering mountains to a set in New York or Los Angeles is a daunting task, one that often requires more muscle than intellect and more diligence than common sense.

Network spokespersons refused to comment on the proceedings until after the snow melts in June.

“We’re expecting great things here,” said one broadcaster. “Weight loss with a touch of wilderness is a sure winner in these days of reality television, concussions and your simulated breathing experiments.”