All Entries Tagged With: "Rockies"
IN FORTY YEARS OR LESS
GEMS FROM OUR RECENT PAST
NATION’S RUM RESERVES COULD BE DEPLETED BY 2020
(Virgin Gorda, BVI) The United States could find itself completely out of rum in the next five years according to sugar cane brokers here. Lack of conservation and export to other planets has placed a severe strain on distillers all over the Caribbean. An increase in production over the past two years has only led to an even larger jump in consumption, especially in the inner cities and the outer limits.
Already several hinterland politicians are calling for an end to the moratorium on the manipulation of natural rum resources in the Rockies. They say that the continued dependence on foreign rum will reduce this country to nothing more than “a slave to the whims of the rum cartels.”
Rum merchants here are suggesting that imbibers back off and substitute whiskey or gin for rum until this emergency subsides. Traditional sources of molasses have already been placed on the endangered list in the Lesser Antilles and the public consumption of native rum has been outlawed all along the snowy, white beaches of Hispaniola. -Suzie Compost
FALL IS THE TIME TO CHECK FOR HIPPIES
Crawl Spaces, attics could be infested
Special from the National Injunction Service and Homeland Security Act
(Woodstock, NY) Loyal consumers are reminded that fall is the time to muck out crawl spaces, window boxes, attics, sheds, garages and privies for hippies. This species, like many others in our forests, attempts to locate appropriate accommodations for the winter before the snow falls. Hippies have been known to move into all types of structures from a common line shack to the Taj Mahal only to abandon those digs for a more Spartan summer dwelling when the spring arrives. It is during this cosmic mud season that hippies are as scarce as a bull elk in the butcher shop.
In order to effectively rid one’s household/property of these pests one must first identify the problem. Have there been hippies nesting in the home on prior occasions? What can one do to discourage these squattings? Are you inadvertently doing something to attract them?
Board up those windows, seal up crawl spaces, insulate attics, haul old tires, cardboard, aluminum siding…anything that could be used for temporary construction…to the dump. A little preventive maintenance today could save a multiple use nightmare down the road.
Next month: “Cat hair and autumn salad ideas”
CAVE SHORTAGES WORRY BEARS
(Kebler Pass) Local bears have expressed frustration and resentment this year as higher prices and a chronic shortage of caves have driven many out of the region. A growing number of the mammals have been forced to live in ramshackle shelters or share crowded housing with other bears, not even in the same family, just to make ends meet.
Newcomers to the area have driven cave prices through the ceiling with little relief in sight according to local housing concerns who say that if the situation is not rectified Western Colorado may experience a drop in year-round population.
“In order to accommodate the urban Ursidae who brings in his honey from the outside, many of the long-term shaggies may be forced out of their territory,” said one immigrant realtor, “which is progress in its purest fiscal form.”
In a related bit of news the Department of the Inferior has announced that a scrawny skunk cabbage crop could create serious food shortages for bears as the autumn makes its grand entrance. This will most likely translate in an increase in contact between hungry bears and man.
Humans actively engaged in suburban sprawl are asked to pack up their things and move back to Moline before it’s too late. Those who choose to remain are encouraged to familiarize themselves with the rigors of the natural food chain.
-Walter Wonderlust
NO TV FOR WELFARE RECIPIENTS
In what is perceived as an attempt to show competence and firm control the gov’ment is getting tough with fraudulent welfare recipients and is taking away their television privileges. The temporary action is aimed at flushing out persons receiving welfare checks who are sandbagging the system.
The feds people think the action will provoke an immediate response and that an estimated 40-50% of those abusing the assistance program will quickly terminate their relationship with their social workers. Another 25% are expected to follow suit once the weekend sports menu comes around.
Like most of his other rescue missions the details of this plan were not released. It is not known if the feds will send repo-like agents around to pick up the televisions or if the cable companies will do the dirty work from their fortified inner-city bunkers. One thing seems certain, though, the honor system will not be employed. After a few short weeks, when all the paperwork has been filed, needy people will again be able to enjoy the fine television viewing that blurs their sense of reality.
“Although we have not been informed of the specific variables of the procedure one thing is clear,” said Melvin Tool, special secretary to the special secretary’s secretary, “Even the President wants his foot on the accelerator of this baby. He’s cramming it into second and the tires are screaming! He’s laying a heavy patch of rubber!”
The President is reported to be racing to cut the fat from the system and transfer ineffective social workers to The Pentagon or The Department of Energy by 2018. After restricting television viewing the Administration plans an assault on other lethal drugs common to federal housing projects and rural slums. Already lobbyists for the giant pharmaceutical companies are getting jumpy.
The concept of creating opportunity so that the poor and disenfranchised might pull themselves up and out of this chronic mess was lost amid flag waving, partisan rambling and coffee break.
In time it is surmised that the majority of unwarranted welfare recipients will grow tired of listening to the radio and go out and look for work. That development, of course, is dependent on whether minimum wage crawls out of the dark ages and indigent people can make more filling orders than filling out forms.
-Ripple van Winkle
Sneffels Bracelet by David Houtz
Look at this! The original Sneffel’s Range bracelet available at Rocky Mountain Jewelers in Ridgway
N.L. FIELD CREWS FAVOR CHEW BAN
(San Diego – August 25, 2015) National League field crews and stadium personnel voted overwhelmingly in favor of a tobacco-free All-Star game slated to be held here in July of 2016.
With more and more players turning to sunflower seeds to calm their keystone nerves and pass time riding the bench, the decision was quite easy, according to unreliable sources here at Petco Park.
“They’re a nervous, superstitious lot,”said one tarp engineer of today’s players. “They gotta spit something.”
Joining five major health groups in calling for a ban on chews and dips during the Mid-Summer Classic, the field crews cited the daily cleanup nightmare and lawn maintenance headaches associated with the bad habit.
“Imagine the pretender to the mound out there in 2015 with a wad in his cheek,” continued the source. “The pitcher stares, then shakes off a sign, then spits…Then a curve ball looking the size of a mad, runaway, taxi cab comes calling at your ear.”
Saying that logistical problems far and above health considerations exist, the stadium workers described in detail the chore of removing wads of chew from the manicured lawn noting that the tobacco does kills grass but not weeds. The crews described, in nauseating detail, the tedious and time-consuming task of cleaning up in and around the dugouts after the crowds have departed for the evening.
In a related piece, Major League Baseball has pledged to investigate the higher incidence of beards among athletes and a preponderance of initials rather than first names in use on the scorecard. It is believed that these choices reflect player’s concern over privacy and possible identity theft since all are admittedly overpaid compared to teachers, police and social workers.
What the league hopes to discover is anyone’s guess.
– Rocky Flats
BEHIND THE HEADLINES
(The San Juan Horseshoe takes you behind the headlines, where the light is bad and the letters are all turned around backwards. Press 6 to complete your mandatory elbow rubbing session with the senseless and vindictive media. Tip: Listen and watch your wealthy neighbors. They know what’s going on. Corporate Socialism for all!)
Rain Drives Revelers from Montrose Water Park
(Pomona Pacifier – August 25, 2015)
An immediate, and tumultuous thunder storm scattered party goers here Saturday as thousands ran for cover from the searing downpour, measuring .07 inches by the time the dust had cleared.
Many did not make it to dry redoubts before the penetrating sheets of water reached them. Hair, clothing and footwear suffered the brunt of the assault but even those prepared with umbrellas and raingear were pelted mercilessly as they cowered in apprehension of the tempest’s finale.
Standing shivering under makeshift stands and less than supportive cottonwood trees, the throngs thanked their lucky stars that they had managed to avoid what might have been a disastrous afternoon down by the mighty Uncompahgre River, which roared along sweetly as it has since before we came out of the trees. – Rex Montaleone
UPS Finds Civil War Vet’s Store Teeth in Discarded Shipping Tube
One day in 1867 former Confederate officer, Charles Lumber McQuirke of Hattiesburg, Mississippi thought he’d like to eat corn-on-the-cob again. That’s when he ordered the dentures.
Promised in six weeks by the railroad the false teeth never showed up and, since the arrangement was cash on delivery, McQuirke forgot all about the correspondence and bought a fresh set in Biloxi when he was in town for a veteran’s convention.
Now, in a peculiar brush with the past, the chompers have surfaced, apparently stuck between a crate of ax handles and a bag of caramels for almost 150 years.
“They look like new,” said a UPS clerk, who said they found a pair of Fujian boxer shorts from the Ming Dynasty just last week stuck to the back of a set of snow tires.
“I guess they qualify as an antique,” he said.
When contacted about the find, McQuirk’s nearest surviving relative Massy Heathrowe, 112, a multiple great-granddaughter, expressed alarm at the discovery.
“He passed 114 years ago, near as we can tell. Thanks for the return of what is now a family heirloom,” she smiled
UPS said McQuirke-Heathrowe would not be charged for delivery of the dentures.
“Whose teeth are these anyway?” she as overheard saying, shaking her head from side to side.
“She’s a little confused, said daughter Boreal Heathrowe-McQuirke. “When it comes to family or remembering to feed her piranhas, she’s falling off a bit.” – Alfalfa Romero
ISIS Pine Beetle Claim Dismissed in Denver
(Bug-Eyed Press – August 25, 2015)
Claims by Mideast militants that they are behind the pine beetle infestation in Western Colorado were written off by the governor’s office today as the plague goes on. Already more than a quarter of the states’ forests have been affected by the blight, the result of warm winter temperatures that allow the insects to proliferate and not freeze to death in the natural cycle.
Response by state agencies was quick and to the point.
“These ISIS bastards may have overrun a few goat camps but they haven’t the reach to nurture pine beetles much less deliver them in such great numbers that we have seen over the past three years,” said a gubernatorial extension release.
The spokesperson added that the beetle problem was not a problem in Denver since the smog kills them faster than they can multiply.
Meanwhile Western Slope malcontents continue to besiege the governor saying more should be done to control the beetle outbreak before it’s too late.
“Iraq and Syria used to be covered in pine forests before these ISIS sons-of-bitches got into the bug business,” stressed an unreliable source. “I am a retired tree surgeon who served in the Mideast and I know what I’m talking about when it comes to dates, tea and beetles.”
– Suzie Compost
Many high school seniors looking forward to retirement
(Waxed Academia Report – August 25, 2015)
(Gunnison, CO) More than 70% of high school seniors say they have retirement on the radar even though it would appear that most should be preparing for careers. These kids are reportedly pushing the envelope, already longing for the golden years.
Of 400 students interviewed, the majority expressed frustration with opportunities in the workplace saying the benefits were not worth the price of decades of labor.
“What a waste of time working when I could be hunting or playing golf,” said one young man who claimed he could retire in about 50 years. “Why make career plans when leisure time is just right around the corner?” he asked.
Sociologists conclude that the phenomenon is short-lived. It is said to be a normal reaction to the cold cruel world often faced between the teen years and earned departure from the daily grind.
FOX News Indicted for Artificial Dissemination
The Supreme Quart today handed down a series of indictments against FOX News claiming that the entity misrepresented reality and misappropriated public trust in a series of broadcasts from 2010 – 2015.
In what the ruling body called “artificial dissemination of concocted facts Fox has acted irresponsibly and criminally in attempts to convince its American television audience that corporate power is the only protection against a host of boogey men and terrorists out to get them.
According to the high quart: “FOX has pillaged the truth and manipulated its newscasts so as to create an illusion of fear and distrust in this country by communicating only misapprehension and falsehoods to further its economic and political goals.”
“These seriously twisted talking heads, even the ones with the perfect hairstyles, have convinced the middle class that it is the poor (and not the global corporations) who are to blame for their daily struggles,” said the indictment. The repetitive and methodic allocation of media manipulation and data pandering has created chronic polarization and xenophobia that threatens basic freedoms and renders viewers far less informed (dumber) than they were this morning. – Phil E. Buster
