IN FORTY YEARS OR LESS

GEMS FROM OUR RECENT PAST

NATION’S RUM RESERVES COULD BE DEPLETED BY 2020

(Virgin Gorda, BVI) The United States could find itself completely out of rum in the next five years according to sugar cane brokers here. Lack of conservation and export to other planets has placed a severe strain on distillers all over the Caribbean. An increase in production over the past two years has only led to an even larger jump in consumption, especially in the inner cities and the outer limits.
Already several hinterland politicians are calling for an end to the moratorium on the manipulation of natural rum resources in the Rockies. They say that the continued dependence on foreign rum will reduce this country to nothing more than “a slave to the whims of the rum cartels.”
Rum merchants here are suggesting that imbibers back off and substitute whiskey or gin for rum until this emergency subsides. Traditional sources of molasses have already been placed on the endangered list in the Lesser Antilles and the public consumption of native rum has been outlawed all along the snowy, white beaches of Hispaniola. -Suzie Compost

FALL IS THE TIME TO CHECK FOR HIPPIES

Crawl Spaces, attics could be infested

Special from the National Injunction Service and Homeland Security Act

(Woodstock, NY) Loyal consumers are reminded that fall is the time to muck out crawl spaces, window boxes, attics, sheds, garages and privies for hippies. This species, like many others in our forests, attempts to locate appropriate accommodations for the winter before the snow falls. Hippies have been known to move into all types of structures from a common line shack to the Taj Mahal only to abandon those digs for a more Spartan summer dwelling when the spring arrives. It is during this cosmic mud season that hippies are as scarce as a bull elk in the butcher shop.

In order to effectively rid one’s household/property of these pests one must first identify the problem. Have there been hippies nesting in the home on prior occasions? What can one do to discourage these squattings? Are you inadvertently doing something to attract them?

Board up those windows, seal up crawl spaces, insulate attics, haul old tires, cardboard, aluminum siding…anything that could be used for temporary construction…to the dump.  A little preventive maintenance today could save a multiple use nightmare down the road.

Next month: “Cat hair and autumn salad ideas”

CAVE SHORTAGES WORRY BEARS

(Kebler Pass) Local bears have expressed frustration and resentment this year as higher prices and a chronic shortage of caves have driven many out of the region. A growing number of the mammals have been forced to live in ramshackle shelters or share crowded housing with other bears, not even in the same family, just to make ends meet.

Newcomers to the area have driven cave prices through the ceiling with little relief in sight according to local housing concerns who say that if the situation is not rectified Western Colorado may experience a drop in year-round population.

“In order to accommodate the urban Ursidae who brings in his honey from the outside, many of the long-term shaggies may be forced out of their territory,” said one immigrant realtor, “which is progress in its purest fiscal form.”

In a related bit of news the Department of the Inferior has announced that a scrawny skunk cabbage crop could create serious food shortages for bears as the autumn makes its grand entrance. This will most likely translate in an increase in contact between hungry bears and man.

Humans actively engaged in suburban sprawl are asked to pack up their things and move back to Moline before it’s too late. Those who choose to remain are encouraged to familiarize themselves with the rigors of the natural food chain.
-Walter Wonderlust

NO TV FOR WELFARE RECIPIENTS

In what is perceived as an attempt to show competence and firm control the gov’ment is getting tough with fraudulent welfare recipients and is taking away their television privileges. The temporary action is aimed at flushing out persons receiving welfare checks who are sandbagging the system.

The feds people think the action will provoke an immediate response and that an estimated 40-50% of those abusing the assistance program will quickly terminate their relationship with their social workers. Another 25% are expected to follow suit once the weekend sports menu comes around.

Like most of his other rescue missions the details of this plan were not released. It is not known if the feds will send repo-like agents around to pick up the televisions or if the cable companies will do the dirty work from their fortified inner-city bunkers. One thing seems certain, though, the honor system will not be employed. After a few short weeks, when all the paperwork has been filed, needy people will again be able to enjoy the fine television viewing that blurs their sense of reality.

“Although we have not been informed of the specific variables of the procedure one thing is clear,” said Melvin Tool, special secretary to the special secretary’s secretary, “Even the President wants his foot on the accelerator of this baby. He’s cramming it into second and the tires are screaming! He’s laying a heavy patch of rubber!”

The President is reported to be racing to cut the fat from the system and transfer ineffective social workers to The Pentagon or The Department of Energy by 2018. After restricting television viewing the Administration plans an assault on other lethal drugs common to federal housing projects and rural slums. Already lobbyists for the giant pharmaceutical companies are getting jumpy.

The concept of creating opportunity so that the poor and disenfranchised might pull themselves up and out of this chronic mess was lost amid flag waving, partisan rambling and coffee break.

In time it is surmised that the majority of unwarranted welfare recipients will grow tired of listening to the radio and go out and look for work. That development, of course, is dependent on whether minimum wage crawls out of the dark ages and indigent people can make more filling orders than filling out forms.
-Ripple van Winkle