BEAR SEASON IS HERE!

Black Bear are busy building up fat for hibernation. Whether you see one in the trash in the alley out among the berries or here on the Gunnison River it is probably a good idea to leave them alone since they are bigger & faster than you. ( “Bearbait” Toole photo)

Roadworkahead Incorporated

(Silverton — Observations of Road Damage — September 3, 2015)

Welcome Roadworkahead, Colorado — the newest incorporated town in Colorado! The governor and others awarded official status this morning in response to the new burgh’s constant presence, consistent survival figures and longstanding operations in one location.

“People have recognized Roadworkahead as a real place,” said Sergio Jingles, Special Assistant to the Governor in the Forgotten Provinces. “They go there.”
The designation carries with it certain benefits and responsibilities such as lucrative pioneer funding and adaptation of rigid state norms. Already Confront Range money has built a bridge and a recreation center contingent on compliance to Colorado restrictions on noise and visual pollution.

Qualifications include length of stay, infrastructure and social measures that chronicle human interaction and mercantile activity.

“Roadworkahead is the classic city on the hill,” said Jingles, which must strive to become a town like all of the other towns in this great state. If these considerations are not met in one year we pull the plug and it returns to a bump in the road, an asphalt pumpkin.”

No votes, straw or otherwise, have been cast on the issue since there are no actual residents of the new settlement.

“We expect that to change when we complete construction on gated communities and public housing,” said Jingles. “Potential middle class inhabitants, dwindling like the light of a fall evening, can fend for themselves.”
Today a new leash law was imposed even though there are no dogs in the new town.

“We must have the positive variables in place before we open the doors to immigration,” stressed Jingles who added that the town was currently searching for a town council and a good breakfast spot.”
– Melvin Toolini

When Should Kitty Start Dating?

with Dr Efram Z. Pennywhistle Jr.

(Crazy Cat Lady Canyon — Pampered Pet Parade — December 10, 2015)
If I’ve heard it once I’ve heard it a thousand times…”Dr. Efram, at what age is it safe for my cat begin dating?” That’s a good question. The answer depends on the make-up of the individual feline.
Some cats are mature at two or three years of age. Others, most notably toms are ready out of the hamper but cannot be counted upon to take responsibility for social consequences. A well-adapted cat can be ready to date earlier although with reservations. One unsupervised cat produced 15 litters before she even got her driver’s license. Sure, she was a slut but she had a lot of dates, hey?
In general, if the family cat was brought up properly and can distinguish between good and evil she should be able to be trusted on an early date with a respectable Tom (good luck) at adolescence. Don’t push Kitty into the social scene. Know where the two are headed, monitor behavior on the outing and have the male cat checked out by the local veterinarian.
When my sister’s car Evelyn began dating, my brother-in-law, Sal offered to drive her and her date to the movies. That could have worked well but Sal earned his fourth DUI, lost his license, and is in jail for a few months. My sister doesn’t drive because she is afraid of moving objects and she panics in even Hooterville traffic.
Now the cats must take the bus when they date, which opens up a whole new can of catnip.
In these potential dramas, as with all of life’s little trails, it is important to keep a clear head about you. Trust is the key. The way you treat your pet from the start will often define the animal you have underfoot later. This is also true of children, and to some degree, houseplants.
If this is all too confusing for some of you out there I suggest having the animal spade. Sure, there won’t be and grandkids but, and let’s get real here for a change: They weren’t really yours anyway.
Next Time: Tomcats, like all males, have only one thing on their demented, little minds. We’ll show you how to nip that urge in the bud right there in your own garage. This is Dr. Efram for Pampered Pet Parade.

Boogeyman Gets Chair

(Nightmare Chronicles — September 25, 2015)

(Wimpton) The infamous Boogeyman, the nemesis of every child at bedtime for decades, has been executed according to a copyright story in Bars and Stripes, a correctional industry mouthpiece. The unrepentant hobgoblin was in good spirits according to eyewitnesses, as he arrived at his last roundup at approximately 4:16 am Thursday.
He is believed to be the only character, cartoon or otherwise, to have expired within these pages in 38 years of publication.
Sources within the penal system confirmed reports that the Boogeyman refused the traditional blindfold so that he might “lock eyes with his executioner” at the time of his demise. He also refused a cigarette for health reasons, it was disclosed. All bereavements and condolences (if there should be any) should be directed to the Nightmare House, a rest home for retired fiends, monsters, demons and really big spiders.
Survived by close associates Ms. Bugaboo, Mr. Spook and the Your Own Shadow Brothers, he is best remembered for creating unfounded fear in the hearts of children. His habit of hiding behind drapes, lurking in closets and under beds has to be considered the classic fright meter of the century!
Although gone, it is unlikely that he will be forgotten.
Many rejoiced after a gubernatorial reprieve was denied on Wednesday, while the Boogeyman’s enthusiastic supporters called for “the closing of all abortion clinics and the construction of more prisons lickety-split.”
Meanwhile the shadow governor was last seen exploring the dark, dreary dungeons of his mansion on the hill. It is common knowledge at the state house that he has not ventured into those cellars since his election in 2002.
– Bunny Trimble

High Fives Prompt Finger Injuries Says Rockies’ Trainer

(Denver — Blake Street Bombers — Sept 6, 2015)

The practice of slapping hands in recognition of stellar achievements on the baseball diamond poses dangers to players who, as professional athletes, should know better says Doc “Rocky” Bleacher, team trainer for the Colorado Rockies.
“In addition to injuring the palm of the hand due to the impact of an enthusiastic slap, the players risk injuries to fingers, shoulders, elbows, wrists and the all-important thumb,” says Bleacher, a standout in his own right in the rambling centerfield of orthopedics and hamstrings.
In recent years players have taken to high-fiving when a fellow player succeeds. The practice replaces the classic, though often-misconstrued slap on the butt. It occurs repeatedly during the average game and especially in the receiving line that forms after a victory. Although most players are careful and express joy in smaller increments, the odd hand collision or accidental bending of a finger looms heavily, considering training methods, burgeoning salaries and the lengthy season.
“These people are professionals and should know better than risking life and limb on a silly gesture,” quacked Bleacher. “Can’t they just shake hands or wave passionately from afar?”
Of the 34 Rockies on injured reserve this year several have suffered from hand ailments such as ligament damage, strains or errant pitches. While more prevalent problems associated with running and throwing dominate the training room it is often isometrics that keep players on the bench. The majority of Major League trainers agree that eyes, toes, and yes fingers, are as much a part of the keystone struggle as arms, legs and heads.
“What chaps my sit-downer is that these incidental injuries can be prevented with the application of a little logic. Hockey players wear enormous gloves on the ice. Tennis players exchange a simple handshake after a match. Football players wear helmets and a monster mouthpiece. Bowlers are careful no to drop the ball on their feet,” said Bleacher. “Even bass fishermen wear sunscreen.”
The Rockies front office played down the warnings saying that the team has had little to high-five about this year.
“We will monitor the behavior of our players and continue to trade off rising stars for washed up pitching,” said one of the Greeley meat people. “The fans will still buy tickets. After all one can’t watch the Broncos in the summer.”
– Fred Zeppelin
Desperately seeking a Venison-English dictionary by hunting season. Wear orange and flash your headlights at any Colorado DOW officer. Will trade for firewood permit.

350 Yard Drives!

This fairway could define what
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Launch those longer drives with

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Half of all men over 40 suffer from
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Ask your PGA Pro if your heart is healthy enough for golf

Side effects include headache, sand bunkers, upset stomach,
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For matches lasting longer than 4 hours
call your doctor immediately

By prescription for men with fairway dysfunctions
Individual results may vary.