N.L. FIELD CREWS FAVOR CHEW BAN

(San Diego – August 25, 2015) National League field crews and stadium personnel voted overwhelmingly in favor of a tobacco-free All-Star game slated to be held here in July of 2016.
With more and more players turning to sunflower seeds to calm their keystone nerves and pass time riding the bench, the decision was quite easy, according to unreliable sources here at Petco Park.
“They’re a nervous, superstitious lot,”said one tarp engineer of today’s players. “They gotta spit something.”
Joining five major health groups in calling for a ban on chews and dips during the Mid-Summer Classic, the field crews cited the daily cleanup nightmare and lawn maintenance headaches associated with the bad habit.
“Imagine the pretender to the mound out there in 2015 with a wad in his cheek,” continued the source. “The pitcher stares, then shakes off a sign, then spits…Then a curve ball looking the size of a mad, runaway, taxi cab comes calling at your ear.”
Saying that logistical problems far and above health considerations exist, the stadium workers described in detail the chore of removing wads of chew from the manicured lawn noting that the tobacco does kills grass but not weeds. The crews described, in nauseating detail, the tedious and time-consuming task of cleaning up in and around the dugouts after the crowds have departed for the evening.
In a related piece, Major League Baseball has pledged to investigate the higher incidence of beards among athletes and a preponderance of initials rather than first names in use on the scorecard. It is believed that these choices reflect player’s concern over privacy and possible identity theft since all are admittedly overpaid compared to teachers, police and social workers.
What the league hopes to discover is anyone’s guess.
– Rocky Flats