All Entries Tagged With: "Rockies"

Google Acquires Yahoo, Amazon

(Hillbilly Heaven — Hootin’ Holler Times — December 11, 2015)

With the purchase of Yahoo this week, near-do-well Barney Google is now in firm control of the three of the largest Internet concerns on the planet. The new media/web baron, “with the Goo Goo Googly Eyes” had little comment on the takeovers saying only that the entire experience was “bodacious”.

Most of you out there in Readerland probably don’t remember Barney Google, a somewhat shiftless comic strip character obsessed with horse racing, poker and prizefights. Google first appeared on the sports page of the Chicago Herald & Examiner in 1919. He shared top billing with Snuffy Smith (pronounced Smif in Hootin’ Holler) in the comics for decades only to be overshadowed by Snuffy, Loweezy, Jughaid and Tater by the 50s.

Dining with Smith/Smif (a known chicken thief) and his beloved racehorse named Spark Plug Google could only smile at the developments raging around him. Thousands of employees to guide, millions of dollars on the table, brutal competition and newly unleashed power did not appear to faze him as he sipped tea with his favorites including his faithful nag, Spark Plug, who was given special dispensation to join the party a the often ostentatious Seneca Village Tavern in Manhattan’s Central Park.

Google will remain in New York long enough to sign papers and talk to bankers before returning to more comfortable environs of his Southern Appalachian hamlet in the Smokey Mountains.

“Balls of fire!” exclaimed Smith when told Google would invest 10% of all future earnings in corn licker enterprises, one of Snuffy’s fiscal pursuits. “Them revenooers ain’t gonna catch me this time. Now I’m bona fide.”

For further research see: The Google is a water monster that prowls gardens at night. A Google is also a very large number (usually associated with money or currency)

Celebrity Tour Popular Diversion

(Ridgway, CO     Miller Mesa Moon and Stars     December 10, 2015)

The 2015 Cow Creek Celebrity Tour has been well received and will expand in 2016. Over 20 celebrities, new to the area, have already signed up to view the homes of carpenters, plumbers, masseuses, cowboys and teachers in Ouray County.

The weekend experience is expected to give celebrities (many of whom are self-crowned) a chance to see how mere mortals live their lives. Organizers hope the visits will give the celebrities a peek at acceptable mountains fashion, interior design and culinary preferences in the Rockies.

“That was the first time I’ve ever been in a trailer,” said one sweet young arrival from California. “They’re nice.”

Coming autograph sessions will allow everyone to rub elbows after touring Ridgway Hardware, Billings, Rocky Mountain Jewelry and Alternative Power Enterprises. These leading businesses will offer wine and cheese and encourage conversation between the two entities.

Maps to the local’s homes are available at the local chamber of comments as well as through The New Chinese Theater, Dogs Are Profitable and the Integrated Shelter for Telluride Refugees, which is under construction above the water treatment plant on Domka Avenue.

“Things were rough around here before all the celebrities showed up,” said one old timer from his rocker at the Cookie Tree Saddle Shop. “But now we’re all saved.” – Mario Swervo

Senior Toole Approaching Tierra del Fuego

(El Bolson, Argentina Hielo y Mas Hielo December 9, 2015)

Former high wire great and often arrogant daredevil, Melvin Toole, is reportedly within 400 km, roughly 250 miles, of South America’s southern termination point at Tierra del Fuego.

The oft-thought foolish Toole, 96, as almost everyone knows by now, is orchestrating the world’s longest, as well as the highest altitude hot air balloon journey. Leaving from Dead Horse, Alaska in May he has successfully traversed the Rockies and a good chunk of the Andes on his windy sojourn. He hopes to set a slew of records which this newspaper will undress when he lands.
Due in part to a hasty departure supplies began running short before the balloon was really off he ground.

Aerial photo of the ground (somewhere in Patagonia) from 38,000 feet

“We ran out of water somewhere over eastern Montana,” explained the pilot. “Hey, I was pretty exited. This is my first solo (flight). I’ll pay closer attention next time.”

If there is a next time Toole says he will confine his take-offs and landings to vacant lots, golf corpses and waste dumps preferring to stay a little closer to home.

“It’s the running that gets to me,” he said. “The takeoff requires that I achieve a minimal ground speed before I leap. My knees are shot and I don’t have the torque I had when I was 80.”

When asked in a grounded interview why he would risk his life, forego creature comforts and expose himself to the elements it such a stark manner he smiled.

“The adventure of it – firmly entrenched in our popular culture! The quest to conquer! The thrill of taming the wilderness! The view, plus Im bored watering the garden and chopping firewood. That’s pretty much all they’d let me do around this assisted living prison.”

Large crowds, comprised of adoring females, have formed to cheer Toole in his balloon.

Then one day Toole jumped in his 1939 Studebaker Champion and whisked to the local Balloon World where he bought the largest and brightest balloon they had on the lot. The gear came with a five minute instruction video that was in Italian.

The dashing aviator/pilot, wearing little more than a Calais scarf and storm Bergenstocks, escaped from Happy Face Rest Home in April and avoided the authorities until he launched himself in May.

“I want to swim with the seals and dine with the penguins,” he nodded. “but I’m getting ahead of myself here since I haven’t really landed yet.”

– Paula Parvenue

Canales de video para acortar versiones

(Hollywood – Empresas de distracción del golpe –  8 de diciembre, 2015)

Los principales redes de videos musicales comenzarán presentando video resumen de vídeos de música popular en lugar de todo el vídeo. Los productores de programas musicales, incluyendo MTV tristemente dicen que son la personalización de las presentaciones debido a la disminución capacidad de atención de la opinión pública estadounidense.

“El tiempo de visualización normal para el presente video musical es de 3 minutos”, explicó Oh Pi Bass, Itinerante Jefe de metro Suburban Registros aquí. “La mayoría de la gente hoy en día no se pueden concentrar en tanto como dos líneas y mucho menos una historia.

“La idea es acortar el vídeo a 15 segundos con sólo el ritmo adecuado y suficiente bache y moler para mantener la atención de una piña o calabaza de verano.

“Acabamos de mostrar un destello de piel, un primer plano de algunos rockeros de mala calidad frente a una multitud salvaje y esperamos por la caja registradora”, dijo Bass.

Ya las redes de la música country droguería han comenzado abreviar su programación de marca. Algunas de las estaciones más pequeñas, incluso echar un corto segmento o la lírica y el presente vacío que de cualquier imagen.

“Es un poco como la radio”, dijo.

– Susi Burr-Banke

Affordable Housing Crisis Takes New Turn

Once sacred cows, historical sites like Mesa Verde may soon rush into the fray due to chronic  housing shortages and the seasonal employee housing crunch in Colorado. Surrounded by thousands of acres of public land, local brain trusts  were quick to examine the very controversial opportunities of “tapping in” to existing space in the Rockies. (December 7, 2015)

Census Bureau “Foggy” Over Loss of Stats

(Washington DC    It’s Not Our Money Gazette   November 27, 2015)

Population statistics painstakingly collected in 2010 are feared lost due to a shredding frenzy in the capital. That’s one theory. The census numbers, gathered and calculated during an intense six-month effort, appear to be history according to a bevy of federal agencies, none of which are accepting the blame for the colossal snafu.

The gov’ment, scurrying to whitewash the foul up has yet to face the music insisting that the census results are “around here somewhere” and “will turn up”. That’s theory number 2, or maybe 3.

Mounds of trimmed gov’ment issue paper discarded in dumpsters behind at least 15 different federal buildings suggest otherwise.

The official Census Bureau position is simply that one of its high-ranking analysts took the population count home with him and has failed to return.
“It’s like losing a set of car keys,” said Bambi Bombi, a supervisor of some sort. “It could happen to anyone.”

Meanwhile at shredding central the search continues. Critics say the feds should simply own up to the mistake before it reaches scandalous proportions. Republicans blame President O’Bama and the Democrats are attempting to deflect negative publicity so close to an election year.

The Census people are reportedly “getting down” (to the bottom of all this mess) and have identified certain persons of interest who may have engaged in sabotage or terrorism. Why anyone would want to destroy a worthless and inaccurate roster like the Census makes little sense.

“Motives be damned,” said acting director J. Thespian Footlights. “We are left without our statistics. Without names and numbers we cease to exist as a valid government agency.”
Both political parties are already engaged in compiling patriot census figures that, as might be expected, favor certain agendas. The GOP says everyone is quite content while the Democrats say everyone is pissed.
A herd of university mathematicians is expected to arrive Friday to concoct a new formula for counting the burgeoning population here and in other parts of the world. -Eamon O’Murgatroy
“The Yurok people of Northern California would not talk to dogs for fear of them talking back – source “Short Nights of the Shadow Catcher”. We don’t know if the tradition continues today.