All Entries Tagged With: "Rockies"
Plan to Widen Canyon Gets Senate Nod
(Montrose, CO — February 3, 2016)
A long-awaited decision on whether or not to widen the Black Canyon of the Gunnison was tabled today in Congress as all of the members fell asleep.
These right-after-a-big-lunch sessions never amount to a hill of beans, say unreliable sources that added that there was far more snoring than discussion on the issue.
The monumental construction, which was slated to begin in May, represents the federal government’s response to the transformation of the Black Canyon into a National Park by the federal government. It eyeballs the expansion of the dusty, rock-strewn old canyon into a 21st Century, four-lane chasm capable of handling run-off like that experienced millenniums ago. A series of foot bridges culminating at the apex will allow unheard of access to the surrounding wilderness as well as the state-of-the-art steel suspension natural land bridge, modeled after the one at Mexican Hat, Utah.
This harnessing of rock and water will connect Montrose to the rich peach fields of the North Fork Valley and beyond.
“The construction will give the over 4.8 billion federal employees something to do as they prepare for retirement,” said Earl DeHaviland, “and keep them the hell out of my office.”
Environmental groups, vehemently opposed to the project will be rounded up on the first day of summer and hurled from the heights into the raging Gunnison River far below. A peaceful, quiet dedication ceremony will follow.
When asked by a young reporter if the work was really necessary, DeHaviland appeared to take offense.
“Since when does necessity dictate action?” he blasted. “Since when does logic play the leading role? We’re just happy to have all this federal money flowing in our direction for a change. Now either stand aside or gab a shovel.”
– McKenzie Butte
Neanderthal Disclosure Explains Voter Behavior
(Stone Age Follies — February 2, 2016)
Anthropologists are suggesting that primitive interaction between humans and their hominid cousins sheds light on today’s illogical voting behavior. This longterm contact between early humans and Neanderthals, which included breeding but not much sharing of information, could explain the growing politico-economic phenomenon, where the electorate votes against its own best interests.
The brain drain that undoubtedly occurred during the Pleistocene Era, when a higher species of primate got frisky (conjugalis fortunatis) with a lower form of Homo Erectus, is evident everywhere today, not just in the voting booth. Poor people voting for corporate bought politicians because that politician says he is for guns or against abortion is absurd, especially when the candidate is only too happy to send jobs over seas and cut social programs.
“All a candidate has to do today is announce that he is a pious Christian and he’s got a fistful of votes from one coalition or another,” said one anthropologist who has received death threats for these disclosures. “God help the man who embraces atheism or even agnosticism, even though many of the lower rung are not familiar with the second term. Yes, the key to success is a mad charade where politicians, often the most immoral people on the planet, make a show of attending church and then call it a photo op.”
Whether primitive troglodytes cavorted with Nanjing Man, Solo Man, Wushan Man or even the shy Tautavel Man would have to be determined by
regular access and individual promiscuity quotients.
Paleontologists agree that limited knowledge of dating patterns and social norms of cave personnel severely impede their scope. They are quick to affirm that their role is not to judge the morality of these ancients, who lived Spartan went Spartan wasn’t cool.
– Marcella Pesterman
King Finbar in America
(Somewhere off the Coast of Nova Scotia, February, 1121)
(From The Ancient Cattle Raids of Finn McCool — Feb 1, 2016)
continued from last month
that when he actually landed on that North American beach in 993 AD the playful, tattooed Red men had already made off with six barrels of whiskey, more than a third of the unsettled cargo and certainly one of the main motivations for the voyage. Finbar quickly posted his most trusted lieutenant to guard the emergency rations and not one drop was dwindled further.
“Let them have a share,” Finbar had exclaimed in the sand. We can just make more tonight!”
The landing party was comprised of Dublin’s Brian the Fair, McDougall The Ugly from Ballyshannon, and Warren of Wexley, a self-described dandy from Galway. Joining these stalwarts were numerous squires, servants and several curious Druids that had promised not to interfere in official business.
Hacking its way through monster eucalyptus trees and dwarf maples the party stumbled around in circles before coming to rest at a clearing 200 feet above the beach.
“Tomorrow I shall claim this isle in the name of Brian Boru of Tara,” bellowed Finbar, frightening a group of nearby Indians while obsessively mapping the entire landscape on the back of his hand. Then, early the next morning the band set out to civilize the environs.
First the still must be erected and the fermentation process began. They would need corn, rye and barley. After an incursion or two into local villages it became clear that the Indians had storehouses of the stuff that they used to feed their pet marmots. They happily traded a sufficient supply for a boat ride and a few pictures of Queen Elizabeth.
Just then, a subtle brush with reality brought them back to their senses. Two of the Red man had retuned just in time for last call. With them they brought tobacco and all of the aforementioned ingredients necessary to distill Irish whiskey. They gave Finbar gourds filled with cider to hold the White folks over until their batch was pronounced potent and potable. Finbar thanked the chief, a fine-feathered brave of about 23.
The chief immediately agreed to provide a tour guide for Finbar and his crew if they would only share their joy juice. What commenced might have been the first chronicled multi-ethnic cocktail hour in the Western Hemisphere.
Once the silly natives found out Finbar was a bona fide king they wanted to carry him through the jungle in a diamond-studded litter. But since they didn’t have one they hauled him around in an out-of-commission canoe. Often times the thirsty entourage covered more than 400 yards per day before falling exhausted, corks a –popping, into their buckskin hammocks and canopy yurts.
Once the party got roaring, the Irish were keen to learn the skills of a woodsman. The only problem occurred when the bosun’s mate was dragged off and eaten by a large bear while he was collecting firewood. That was it, other than a case of scurvy that was treated by repeated ingestion of green whiskey by accompanying Jesuits on their way overland to what is now Paraguay.
At the end of the weekend everyone bode farewell to their elbow bending buckaroos and went their separate ways, all except a skeleton contingent of the bravest who would remain behind to establish a colony.
Three years later explorers traveling under the protection of Fitzgerald the Imp, landed at the site of the first still and found no sign of so much as a bartender. Conjecture was that the colony had run short of hickory, which made the best copper kettle process. One blind eyewitness said they moved south following the caribou herds all the way to the outskirts of Savannah. Little more is known of their aborted attempt to create a Celtic Empire in what is now The Maritimes.
– Melvin O”Toole
Feds Approve Air Utility
(Denver — Brown Cloud Jogger Review — January 29 , 2016)
The Federal Utility Commission Kakistocracy* has tentatively agreed to allow unnamed interests to begin monitoring oxygen use in three mountain states in order to more clearly determine its fair market value. The preliminary assessment, classified as Top Secret by the government, is to be based on pounds of air pressure per cubic ratio of atmosphere to lung output.
The small, repeated measurements are to be called “breaths” or might actually be identified as gasps, pants, gulps or kilowatts by the same Federal Utility Commission Kakistocracy.
Executive appointees of the new agency, former Congressmen turned lobbyists insist that it is high time that oxygen consumers shared the cost of the air that they breathe. The say that breathing is a privilege, and not one guaranteed by the Constitution.
“That bothersome old faded antique of Deist thinking only talks about life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness,” quipped Terry Tocksicke, former drill instructor at Three Mile Island and head of the Obama Administration’s task force on air quality and regulation.
After downing a lavish lunch of live Lucerne lobster in aerated, mulched hydrocarbon sauce, the commission was treated to a troupe of exotic monkey trapeze artists dressed in tiny hats and iron lungs, compliments of Confront Range Oxygen, a corporation bidding on the right to charge residents and visitors for air in Colorado.
“The less oxygen the more per unit measure,” said Tocksicke. “We’re looking at other mountain states too where the elevation is higher. That’s where the real profits will fall. Look, one of the monkeys has fallen under the weight of the heavy breathing apparatus! Look!”
The Public Utilities Commission, a sister agency, not to be confused with the existing kakistocracy, maintains the final say in the quantum mechanics of breathing and system flatulence encompassing radiation levels, momentum and electric charge. A milestone decision is expected when it returns from a fact-finding mission on Slumgullion Pass this weekend.
The novice flatlanders left Ouray last week in hopes of arriving at the gold fields of Creede before the snows are too deep for travel. Authorities here say they have lost contact with the small party.
“Frankly I’m concerned,” whined Tocksicke. “The planning was inadequate and the leader of the expedition was shiftless…a beady-eyed man named Thacker or Placker something…”
Gov’ment officials say they have no choice but to charge for air.
“Between the wars, the election campaigns, the Congressional benefits, interest on loans, the tax breaks for oil companies, the mindless expenditures on police, military aid to right-wing dictatorships, the mismanagement of resources, and the growing number of people on public assistance we’re broke,” said a Congressman from his charcoal black limousine.
The commissions and other desperate camp followers say they expect great public outcry at first but feel that the situation will calm down as soon as people turn their televisions on and drift into hot dog space.
“The small fee will not be noticeable at first and completely voluntary. Later, when the program is fully implemented the fee will become mandatory with generous consideration extended for preliminary cooperation in the form of retroactive clauses and debt brackets.
The United States currently imports some 45% of its oxygen from the Hindu Kush and the Peruvian Andes. A dramatic increase in domestic production of oxygen is on the drawing board as part of an expanded energy policy.
“We’ll get back to you when we know more,” said Tocksicke.
– Helen Waite
*For those too busy to use a dictionary a kakisocracy is government by the least qualified or most unprincipled citizens. (From Greek word kakisnos (worst + CRACY)
Doddering Terrorists Hold Hostages at Taco Bell
(Montrose, CO — Special from The Taco Times – January 28, 2016)
As the sun came up this morning, two convicted recreational terrorists, known only to authorities as Myrtle and Jerry, are still holding a throng of hostages at the local Taco Bell. The captives, including two exotic dancers from Mack and a busload of seminary students from Espanola, are reportedly chained to the salad bar in this pseudo-Mexican food outlet.
Myrtle and Jerry
One of the prisoners managed to escape through an unattended grease drain while Jerry was out changing the oil on his RV. He told a story of a brutal captivity but said that everyone was still in good spirits despite being subjection to countless mundane home movie (of Quartzite, Arizona) and Myrtle’s bad cooking.
The amateur filmmakers, dubbed monkey wrenchers by the local paper due to Myrtle’s long association with the Sierra Club, have released a list of demands and have threatened to bore each one of the hostages with monotonous vacation and RV stories until they get some action. Along with typical hostage solicitations the two have insisted on fifty million dollars in small bills and a flight to Havana.
Other demands are as follows: 1.) The United States must terminate all covert military operations in South America. 2.) The incarceration of the notorious Bloody Bush Gang for crimes against humanity. 3.) The reinstitution of Dean Martin (dead or alive) on NBC’s prime time. 4.) Bronze statures of Myrtle and Jerry must be forged and displayed at the entrance to the Ridgway State Park, no later than 2017.
“We have no problem with the money, the flight or the imprisonment,” said one deputy on the scene, “but we’re getting a lot of static from county commissioners on the statue business.”
In a statement released just moments ago Myrtle warned authorities that Jerry was prepared to “play hardball” and that her “tough-fisted accomplice would not be placated.”
She then asked that police send “some real food”, voicing her concern over a regular diet of chemicals offered by Taco Bell. The hostages, who were apparently eating at the outlet at the time of the seizure, were unmoved by her concerns.
“Myrtle has always had an eye on good health,” said Jerry, who police say is Jerry Mahone, a retired bean farmer from Dove Creek who won his 150-foot RV in a sudden death bingo match sponsored by the Slick Rock Pork Producers in 2009.
Leaders here admit that this information is of little use in breaking the standoff but that the data would be stored anyway because they enjoyed this kind of thing.
Plans to shut off power to the Taco Bell were shelved when it became clear that the two had been major stockholders in Manana Electric, a local power coop. In addition Myrtle had mined the parking lot and all access points in and out of the crime scene. To make matters worse Jerry reportedly had a backup generator stashed under his unit’s microwave stand and “was not afraid to use it.”
The deadlock goes on with the stubborn terrorists refusing to budge despite threats from Taco Bell International to send an elite TACO team into the fray. Corporate accountants say the “restaurant” is losing $50,000 per day due to the crisis. Meanwhile the city of Montrose is rerouting hungry motorists to the many real Mexican restaurants that grace the municipality.
– Melvin Toolski
Elephant Beaches Self Off Carolina Coast
(Myrtle Beach, SC — The Irrelevant Elephant — January 27, 2016)
A lone elephant, draped in full Republican regalia, has given himself up to the waves of the Alantic. The 12-foot, 15,000-pound mammal (Proboscidea) was found by joggers early this morning and pronounced dead by the Horry County coroner. It is not known if this is solitary act or if further surrenders will follow.
What makes the beaching even more bizarre is that the deceased animal is one of the few rare Caucasian Bull mastodons surviving on the planet. Most elephants are either African or Asian.
The unhappy victim
“We’ve seen whales beach themselves but never really quite understand why,” said Dr. Sylvia Aardvarke, a Pawley Island veterinarian. “Now we have elephants in the sand. Elephants like to hang near water but are not particularly known as nautical beasts.”
Meanwhile the Coast Guard has been searching for answers, and/or more distressed elephants. Power brokers in control fear that further political suicides might pry a dazed and frightened electorate out of their foxholes.
“They might began to think for themselves,” said a Wall Streetwalker with a smirk.
The Muslim Marxist press reports that no donkeys have been observed within ten miles of the tragedy.
“Our highly educated guess is that the animal became depressed and embarrassed over what has happened within his party. Despite what we may think, few elephants are accustomed to observing circus clowns,” said the doctor. “Most retain wild ways and are not prepared for the full scale big top that has emerged of late. While political scientists call it premature campaigning, many in and out of the GOP are appalled at the crude behavior of people claiming to represent them.”
Unlike the proud and honorable elephant no politician has come forward to mourned the loss.
