All Entries Tagged With: "Rockies"
Rockies Give Castro a Look
(Blake Street Tropical — January 26, 2016)
The further adventures of the Colorado Rockies pitching staff will now include former Cuban hurler and President Fidel Castro. The national League team plans to work out the aged pitcher during the Spring Training.
Thought washed up by even his most loyal fans on the island of Cuba, Castro has made resurgence of late, competing with some of the best players in Cuba while turning in impressive stats. In his younger years Castro made a historic choice between law school and baseball then settled for dictator.
Now retired, he wants to play ball again. With the new diplomacy blossoming between the US and Cuba he should not face immigration issues or find himself hounded by the ugly shadows of defection.
“If his legs hold out I think he’s got a few innings left,” said a Rockies scout. “We’re not expecting him to steal a lot of bases or cover centerfield, just to throw strikes.”
An imposing figure on the mound for decades on his island nation, Castro has years of effective intimidation under his belt. Whether he will wear a regulation team uniform or his more familiar fatigues will be up to league officials who are monitoring the event with great interest.
Castro is expected to workout for the Rockies in February at an unnamed facility at an undisclosed date. Large crowds are expected. Tryouts for the Colorado Rockies relief staff will then begin in March. Normal protocol will be observed: Woman and children first.
Several other teams, including the Dodgers and Royals have opened a dialogue with Castro and his agent Gabriel Marquez of Colombia. Marquez, a famous novelist, hopes to settle his client and land a scouting position in the Barranquilla before Carnival.
If Castro makes the cut he will skip the Minors due to his advanced age.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
Crested Butte Abuse Center Shut
(Crested Butte, CO — From Tales of Paradise Lost — January 25, 2015)
The Gothic Substance Abuse Clinic at Totem Pole Park has been closed until further notice according to on-premise physicians here. The facility, opened in 1984, had hoped to attract wealthy drug and alcohol abusers to the town to beef up the off-season economy. The concept failed.
Instead a slew of needy addicts show up between December and March and again in July and August.
“We are far too busy with the unbalanced tourist and the whacky transient to deal with the demand during peak times,” said Melanie Mercury, a psychiatric nurse specializing in substance abuse who, according to co-workers, makes “a knockdown martini when the spirit moves her.”
Mercury holds down 14 other part-time jobs when the tourists are here and says that besides that most addicts are poor tippers.
The Board of Directors at GSACTPP plan a media blitz of major markets in an attempt to educate the populace as to the best times to visit the town. No one was available for further comment since they were all in meetings with themselves.
“We have had complete recoveries in just a few short months,” beamed Mercury.
Other patients don’t do so well despite behavior modification and time spent in stark, spartan cells that they call home. Opportunity for simulated life experience as well as on-the-job training exists on every corner.”
– Tommy Middlefinger
Global Flatulence Threat Undressed
Delta, CO — Colorado Bovine Extension Report — January 24, 2016
Flatulent cattle are among the earth’s largest contributor to the greenhouse gas quagmire, releasing millions of elastic tons of methane each year.
But Stefan D. Johnson, hyper-physics professor at Colorado Polygamy, thinks he may have found a way to stem the 200 to 400 mega-liters a day that flows from the digestive system of the average field bovine. By comparison a carnivorous person gives off about a liter per day, contributing more to the discomfort of those nearby than to global warming trends.
The world’s cattle, via the gastrointestinal frenzy created by digestive microbes, produced as much as 50 million metric tons of methane each year. Other major producers include sheep, goats, camels, llamas, deer, elk, caribou, oxen, yaks, water buffalo and marmots*.
The methane rises and is converted to carbon dioxide, which acts to prevent solar heat from reflecting back to space, trapping it in the earth’s atmosphere.
Johnson believes that the microbes’ methane production might be slowed by as much as 25% by the addition of antibiotic feed additives that act against certain types of negative bacteria, thereby lessening the impact by up to 37%, without distracting the animals from their business at hand.
In related developments, researchers at the prestigious University of Downtown Delta, confirm that they have taken delivery of a massive shipment of industrial corks for use in shadow agricultural experiments in Roubideau Canyon. Most agree that the installation of the apparatus could significantly reduce leaks, at least within the domestic population.
“The spongy plugs conform to the shape of the focus target, if you catch my drift,” said Johnson who is reportedly developing a machine to do perform more tedious, close-up stages of the operation.
The University of Downtown Delta has received a grant of an estimated $550,000, to insure that all cows understand these procedures and how a little inconvenience now could save a lot of trouble down the road. Rare explosions, noted in an expanded study in Switzerland, will be dealt with quickly and humanely. Counselors are on out in the pasture already ready to reassure any beasts that want to talk.
*Gassy marmots often produce enough methane gas to keep other rodents from squatting in their holes or predators from nosing around for long.
– Maribelle Dipthongue
La clonación de Batman Big Mistake dice Boy Wonder
(Montaña Roja – 23 de enero, 2016)
Planea clonar superhéroe, Batman (sin apellido dado) sería un error de grandes proporciones, según su compañero de toda la vida para combatir el crimen. Vestida con medias provocativas y un antifaz negro de buen gusto, Robin, quien corrió con Batman durante décadas, dice su jefe jubilado es un megalómano.
Citando episodios de abuso de poder y la interferencia con las autoridades, dice Robin Batman alberga venganzas contra varios adversarios, específicamente un hombre llamado The Joker y un ex aliado, nombrado el Avispón Verde. Según informes, el Joker está viviendo en una comunidad de jubilados en Arizona mientras que el Avispón Verde es ocupado trabajando en sus memorias en un lugar secreto en Miller Mesa.
“Estos dos ciudadanos ahora modelo se han quejado de hostigamiento y amenazas directas de Batman. Clonación él sólo haría asuntos doble de malo”, explicó Robin tirando de su capa.
El sinvergüenza casa cueva, que no debe confundirse con el ayudante personal, un enfermero de un oficial del ejército británico, se ha comprometido a la operación de clonación, a cambio de una amnistía general. Batman se ha conectado a la acción vigilante violenta que se remonta a los años cincuenta. Caso tras caso de evidencia documentada une el superhéroe con más de la cabeza de obstrucción de la justicia.
“Él tomó el asunto en sus propias manos”, dijo Robin. “A menudo se dispensa el castigo sobre el terreno con poca consideración por los derechos de los criminales … Zap … Bam … Zow … Whack! Lo sé. Yo estaba allí.”
Robin, que es actualmente vicepresidente de una empresa de auto-ayuda Rango Confrontar que fabrica supositorios MSG, admitió que vive con el temor de represalias por parte de su ex pareja.
“El hombre está fuera de control, propensos a las alucinaciones y como hiper como un colibrí,” continuó el Chico Maravilla. “Uno pensaría que iba a hacer algo constructivo en sus años de oro … como jugar al golf o al bingo, pero él es demasiado arrogante.”
Ofrece a unirse tanto el Montrose y los departamentos de policía Gunnison fueron rechazadas por el guerrero con alas en los terrenos de los conflictos uniformes y transporte.
Un grupo cívico local, formada a reconsiderar los pros y los contras de la clonación propuesta se reunirá el martes para considerar la pregunta: ¿Realmente necesitamos dos Batmans? La sesión está abierta al público. Traiga un pez cubierto.
– Susie Compost
Innovative Insurance Firm Offers New Products
(Montrose, CO — Usury Bulletin — January 22, 2016)
Since its inception in the 19th Century, the benevolent insurance industry has been busy convincing us to purchase life insurance, health insurance, automobile insurance, fire insurance, business insurance, home insurance, renter’s insurance and several that we cannot remember but probably could buy.
But now a Montrose insurance group, the generically named Consolidated Consolidators, is offering a more expanded field in paranoid packages that are, in the words of a recent brochure “in tune with the 21st Century.”
Here is a partial list hat offers overlapping and secure coverage.
SNOW INSURANCE – If a party is in the recreation racket and depends on the weather for his livelihood he’d be a fool to pass on this one. A popular policy pays for 3 months vacation in Caribbean in the event of a winter drought.
SOCIAL INSURANCE – Having trouble with the dating wilderness? This policy pays out a small dividend if you’re stuck at home on Saturday night. Getting a little too social. Consolidated has a social “health” plan for everyone.
NUCLEAR INSURANCE – In the event of a direct hit this company claims it will rebuild your home and cover losses to cars, real estate and livestock. After the radiation subsides it will all come back like new. A rider policy embraces the theory of a winnable nuclear conflict. Space travel optional.
INSURANCE INSURANCE – Buy this super baby and gain protection from the lack of any insurance imaginable. Perfect for the disoriented individual who prefers to write one check instead of many. This is the insurance for persons who love to buy coverage and is overburdened with a plethora of intangible assets.
ETERNAL SALVATION INSURANCE – Pay now – pray later. This judgmental, holier-than-thou policy includes transfers and tips. Meals not included. Rates based on double occupancy. Why be good when you can buy eternal peace of mind? Void where prohibited by superstition.
FAST FOOD INSURANCE – If you choke on a McBone Consolidated will Mcbury you and see to it that the kids get a McMonthly trust if you have the funds. Supplemental coverage for Burger Thing, Taco Hell and the lesser grease gods.
VEGETABLE GARDEN INSURANCE – If one forgets to water or falls victim to grasshoppers, this policy extends a seasonal credit at farmer’s markets and small groceries to cover the loss of perishables. Summer only. Seed extra.
HANGOVER INSURANCE – Pays up to 80% of any cure, doctor visit or hair of the dog. Physical examination may be required prior to activation. No regular smokers will be accepted. Perfect for the amateur abuser. Sleep well.
– Gabby Haze
IRS Founders’ Body Unclaimed at Sea
(Popeye Haven –January 21, 2016)
The carcass of the recognized architect of the American Taxing System (The Internal Revenue Service) remains at the bottom of the Andaman Sea this morning according to Thai pirates operating in the region.
The victim, not yet named by authorities fearing media blowback and possible hacking by malcontents, had reportedly been afloat since back on March 17 when it was tossed into a leaky rowboat and sent adrift from the foggy port Marseilles aimed at the land-locked desert of Ogden, Utah.
The pirates did not approach the tiny craft due to local superstitions but after a down-wind assessment determined the pathetic cargo.
IRS agents say they have no jurisdiction in Asia and must wait until the craft enters the waters of the Great Salt Lake before recovering their associate and towing his boat to safe harbor.
“He’ll make it all right but only after some hectic moments in the unforgiving waters of Nevada,” said one unreliable source here.
Commercial vessels, often pressed into service as rescue ships, have given wide berth to traditional sierra shipping lanes due to the fetid aroma of the distressed craft that could be smelled as far away as Boise this morning.
Out reader may recall that on March 16 an unidentified human was found dead in a rat-infested, unheated flat with an unencumbered, peripheral view of the murky Mediterranean. Along with the stiff were cans of unopened fish head soup, some rancid seaweed and soy-based, fortified gluten wafers and a bottle of half-consumed Baron Phillip de Rothschild Mouton-Cadet 1926. The flat’s television set was also on.
The San Juan Horseshoe is proud to have presented this exclusive story (ignored by frightened corporate media) and quite pleased to have milked so many inches of news copy from such a silly distraction.
– Small Mouth Bess
