Lip Reading Offered by Motor Vehicle

(Montrose Language Lab – February 11, 2016)

A free lip-reading seminar is slated for late November, compliments of the Colorado Division of Motor Vehicles. The course has been streamlined from last year, concentrating on senior drivers, teens and those in need of anger management therapy.

The course, conducted for all drivers, is expected to “better the communications between easily irritated motorists and those with less than perfect hearing” according to Melvin O’Toole, Executive Director of Sociology and Downright Ignorant Behavior at nearby Pea Green Academy.

“The offering will concentrate on the 20 most common phrases of frustration associated with bad driving habits,” quipped O’Toole, “so that even with air-conditioning on, and in winter with the windows rolled up, clear communication of distinct concepts and suggested ideas will flow.”

O’Toole did not touch on complaints that many local drivers are dozing off at the wheel or exhibiting a trance akin to heavy television users. Traffic noise, vehicle vibration or even the radio lulls them to sleep when it usually keeps other drivers alert.

“They are somewhere else than in the driver’s seat,” said O’Toole. “It’s a wonder they make it to the grocery and back.”

Mass transit, recently available in the city, was expected to relive this chronic problem or at least discourage driving at prime times. Unfortunately suspect operators often forget about this option, after locating their keys and backing into the garage door or a potted plant in the yard.

Persons over 75 will receive a companion print version of the class so as to insure they do not miss clever, innovative vulgarities hurled at them by motorists wishing to adhere to the speed limit and reach their destination before nightfall.

– Attila Diggins

The Tarzan and Jane Dialogues

Once again brought to you in 1950’s black and white television style by the Farmer’s Friend, O’Hara’s Foot Powder and Dehorning Ointment. If you’ve got it we’ve got the cure. Guaranteed to work quickly or we pay the funeral bills, and that’s a promise from O’Hara’s. A trusted friend since at least yesterday morning.

THE ORIGINS OF UNGOWA

The scene: A treehouse in East Africa  –  February 11, 2016

Tarzan: Ungowa! Ungowa! See Jane, lion just need little convincing. Things be peaceful now.
Jane: Amazing, Tarzan. I’ve never seen anything like it. What’s the secret? Is it your body language? Is it your loincloth? Is it that word…what is it? Foongowa?
Tarzan: Ungowa, Jane. But don’t ever say unless lion out of hand.
Jane: But I’ve heard you say it to the elephants, the zebras, even Cheetah.
Tarzan: Jane mistaken.
Jane: Tarzan, I’m not mistaken. Lord knows there’s not much to occupy my time up in this tree house. I don’t miss major developments like this. I don’t miss the banana harvest, the spring rains, the migration of the rhinos, the spear ceremony with the Tamurundis…
Tarzan: Tarzan get picture, Jane.
Jane: So what does Ungowa mean exactly, dear?
Tarzan: Ungowa mean…Get back!
Jane: Get back? I hardly think so. Level with me, Tarzan. I want to know about the origin of Ungowa!
Tarzan: Ungowa, Jane!
Jane: That’s not amusing. Now tell me or you sleep on the couch.
Tarzan: We not have couch.
Jane: It’s just an expression. Why won’t you tell me about Ungowa?
Tarzan: Tarzan not know about Ungowa. Ungowa just word. Ungowa something make lions and elephants listen to skinny ape man, not trample, eat him.
Jane: You mean to say you just say Ungowa and you don’t know what it means, where it comes from or how it became part of the language?
Tarzan: It slang. Jane understand?
Jane: So you’re telling me you don’t know what it means or why it has come into favor?
Tarzan: That just way it is.
Jane: The magic word for any situation. Too much. Oh well, I guess there’s nothing to do now but eat your lentil soup.
Tarzan: Lentil soup again! Ungowa! Tarzan calling out for pizza!

THE END

Census Tough on Schizophrenics

(From the Buffalo Bill’s Buried Here Too News* — Feb 9 , 2016)

Lookout Mountain — The United States Census, conducted every ten years in appointed jurisdictions all over then nation, is painful, sometimes even devastating for the more than 200,000 registered schizophrenics in Colorado.
The line of questioning, simple enough to most of us, often causes confusion, disorientation and depression.

“Most of us are distrustful of anyone associated with the federal gov’ment to start with,” said Dr. Orem Quacken-Quacken, Chair of the Psychology Department at Buffalo Bill Marine Academy here.” Then they show up at your front door asking questions and writing on their clipboards. Most people deal with the intrusion while schizophrenics often run and hide, preferring not to answer the door at all.”

In addition Quacken-Quacken takes issue with the entire process of collecting information on population, saying the figures collected from many households are invalid and do not reflect distinctions between number of persons and number of personalities.

“Face to face episodes are often perceived as confrontational which skews the data,” continued the academic. “The census people should consider a secure mail-in form to avoid spinning out of control. Then all personalities might participate in a more protected environment.”

– Xeno Phobicette

*According to the 2010 Census the schizophrenic hero, Buffalo Bill is buried in decorated graves in Colorado, Wyoming, Montana and Utah. Rumors of another memorial resting place in New Mexico were extinguished when it became apparent that a tombstone bearing Bill’s epitaph was that of an actual buffalo slaughtered by railroad sharpshooters for its hide in 1877.

Best Breakfast in Medellin, Colombia – Feb 8, 2016

Breakfast at Restaurante Brisas de la 70 in Bario Estadio, Medellin, is a cacophony of gourmet scrambled egss, perfect beans and rice, chilled guava juice, the ever-present arepa with cheese and the best picante in Colombia.* Excellent service compliments of (left to right) Daniel Stiven Gomez Gomez, Marcela Gomez Bolivar and Lina Gomez Bolivar.               Toole of the Andes Photo Service                       

*according to New Mexican hot sauce snob David Mullings of Elk Meadows.

Zoo Escapees Doing Nicely on Plateau

(Montrose, CO — Four-Legged Mambo — February 5, 2016)

Large mammals forcibly vacating previous habitation at a local zoo seem to be thriving in the wilderness of the Uncompahgre Plateau. Although sightings are rare three African elephants, two zebras, a giraffe, a lion and a troupe of Japanese Snow Monkeys have carved out an existence and are socializing quite well in shared accommodations.

“One would expect the lion to eat the zebras and the elephants to be easily recovered due to their enormous size,” offered Gwynne Parsnippe, an animal behaviorist from the local butane society. “That isn’t happening. They all seem to get along. Maybe it’s their shared trauma of zoo life. Maybe it’s the fresh air. Maybe it’s the bounty of food there for the taking.”

According to Mark Ibrahim of the National Zoological Park in Washington DC, “Nothing odd is going on here. Animals, like humans, seek camaraderie and acceptance. They have been found to be quite versatile, practical, instinctual and clever when necessary. The wilds are their home whether it’s black forest, high mountains, flowing valleys or even semi-desert.”

What boggles even the self-appointed local experts is the instant success of the plateau venture. In addition to cooperation the refugees have created a village atmosphere employing the ideals of democratic socialism.

“They have created a functional government up there which is more than we’ve done down here,” said Parsnippe. “There are no rich and no poor. Everyone eats and has common defense against predators. It’s a mammal paradise.”

Reminiscent of the runaway slave societies that peppered the remote jungles of Brasil from the 17th to the 19th centuries, the plateau redoubt, renamed Soledad in honor of prison activists from days gone by, has yet to be discovered by gangs of marauders hired by the county to “bring down these rebels.”

The snow monkeys, or Macaques, appear to be running the show probably because they have adapted so well to their new digs. A very similar eco-system exists in the northern mountains of Japan. They have even discovered remote hot springs pools unknown before to man or beast.

“These snow monkeys are no slouches when it comes to civics, social norms or making up a pot of healthy stew from grub worms, pine moss, small rodents and aspen bark,” said Parsnippe.

The chronic increase in zoo breaks over the past 3 years has bioscientists as well as social ethologists gravely concerned.

“Animals were once thought to be happy in their cages and reconstructed biospheres,” frowned Parsnippe. “Now we’re not so sure. Maybe it’s time to reinvent zoos.”

Animal rights groups say overcrowding, bad food, pending violence and parole inconsistencies have lead to this disgraceful status. They focused on plea-bargaining and unbalanced moralities that favor certain species over others.

Up in Soledad everyone is equal and nobody lives in cages. Already propagation and procreation are double what they were in captivity. Three little ones have joined the settlement, one elephant calf, one lion cub and a beautiful new infant snow monkey who weighed in at almost ten pounds this morning.

“The birth rates are astounding,” shouted Parsnippe, “but one must consider that there’s not much else to do on the Uncompahgre Plateau in December.

– Warren of Wexley

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Property Values Linked to Pizza Delivery Options

(Suburbs Without Cities Report – Montrose, CO – Feb 4, 2016

The Bored of Realtors in this swank, yet congested burgh have concluded that the most potent variable determining property appraisal is the existence of pizza delivery in the vicinity. The fluctuating prices of new homes strongly parallel pizza delivery radius (PDR) and stark realizations as to real value and equity follow suit.

“People in the loop who count on prompt, efficient and uninterrupted delivery of hot pizza right to their door stand to turn a much more substantial profit when it comes time to sell their property,” said Evelyn Clothe-Diaspora, of Stinking Desert Homes.

“We have always known the market was soft in these parts with either a crisp or thin crust, depending on how you slice it.”

Anonymous sources within the profession had little more to say since most were busy at local maternity wards. Readers may recall a 1996 ruling that allows idle realtors to earn a few dollars delivering babies. Lawyers, legal drug cartels and insurance companies (many owned by flush doctors) forced physicians out of the baby business the year before.

Properties with proximity to fast food dives will continue to fall do to aroma pollution, rising crime and the presence of calculated diabetics in the neighborhood.

– Merv Ditchwater