All Entries Tagged With: "Rockies"
Northern Lights Spur Witch Hunts
(Salem, MA Broom Makers Gazette March 13, 2016)
A sunning display of the Northern Lights, stuck in an odd configuration with the anniversary of the infamous Salem Witch Trails has prompted violence here. Bands of frantic citizens have seized witches, threatening to do them bodily harm unless “the big lights go away”.
The mobs, made up of puritan radicals and undergraduate economic majors at Harvard, have beetled police for three nights whenever the lights make a cameo appearance.
Attempts to explain the phenomenon in laymen’s terms have failed miserably when crazed hordes shouted down astrologists and TV news professionals from as far away as Gloucester and Marblehead. Cars have been tuned over and citizens attacked with brooms by horrified dregs fearing Armageddon. Sources say over 200 witches and warlocks remain detained as some sort of flimsy defense against what opportunist demagogues are calling “those yonder demonic lights”.
Police are currently sealing off the downtown area and no reported barbecues have taken lace within the town limits but as night fell it is anyone’s guess if the current panic will swell or subsist.
The Northern Lights are expected to revert to centuries old patterns and will most likely disappear by the weekend.
“Until you witness a which hunt you don’t realize the ferocity of group stupidity,” said one officer.
Elk Not State Employees Says Court
(Gunnison – Large Horned Mammal News –March 12, 2016)
Elk cannot be classified as state employees in Colorado according to a federal circuit judge here. Citing the part-time working status of the elk Judge Andovera Rutte denied a motion by flamboyant attorney John Doe that his herd clients receive full employment benefits retroactive to 1876 the year Colorado entered the Union.
According the Rutte’s decision elk and other “harvest species” are productive only during late summer and fall during hunting seasons. They are already well compensated for inconveniences accrued since the state often feeds them on heavy snow years and protects them from armed predators the rest of the year.
At one point in the hearing federal attorneys challenged several elk to present evidence of “even one good day’s toil during the spring or winter. Doe jumped in vehemently denying implications of laziness adding that foraging and migration were no walk in the park and should be considered honest labor.
Rutte disagreed insisting that while these endeavors were “quite commendable, they were primarily instinctual,” (and) “would not qualify as work or fiscal reward on even a marmot’s ledger sheet.”
The Elk Mountain herds had filed a civil suit against the state seeking retirement benefits and cost of living adjustments.
Mule deer and bighorns and mountain goats have been closely watching these proceedings. They are slated for a general walkout before the next hunting period in support of the elk.
“If all the animals who say they support the elk walks we will have no animals in the forest at all,” challenged Doe, perilously close to contempt charges.
Rutte closed the session by restating her position and instructed prosecutors to “take steps to insure” that what she called “disruptive, rebel factions” are on the job come black powder and bow season in 2016.
– Diego Paradise
Bovine kisses in the Andes
It has often been said that Colombian females are not too shy, and so it was on this bright afternoon in the hills outside of Manizales in Caldas. (Toole of the Andes Photo Service)
The best place to stay in Jardin!
The owners of La Boira, Xavier (from Barcelona) and Soley (from Pasto) really know how to treat their guests. The house, located less than two kilometers from the town of Jardin, is beautiful. The views are spectacular and the rooms perfectly appointed and very comfortable. After 40 years of traveling, this place is right up at the top of my list. Hospedaje Rural La Boira was an immense pleasure.
Manana Lands Gumby Plant
(Special Report from Ayer, Ahora y Manana — February 23, 2016)
The Manana Developmentally Developmental League is flexing with the news that a Gumby Plant is bound for the city. The projected 800-acre facility would be the largest commercial concern in the vicinity, employing up to 350 persons.
The factory, located in the once-mothballed Manana Industrial Parque, is slated to produce over 700 million Gumbys per month. The company’s corporate headquarters will relocate to Manana from Death Valley, California, after promises of gold and a lucrative tax arrangement are formulated sometime before the end of the year.
“Landing the Gumby people was no easy task,” said Rega Muffine, Executive Director of Executive Directors for MDDL. “First, we had to buy lunch then we had to lease them the land for nothing for the next 150 years. Then we took all the top people to play golf. Then we made them honorary trustees at the Ute Indian Museum. Then we gave them tax-free carte blanche until 2030. Then we bought them elk tags. After that we schmoozed them a little and they signed the agreement.”
Manana will substitute its longtime slogan “Welcome to Manana” with “Welcome to Manana – Home of Gumbyland”.
“That was probably the clincher at a tense time in the negotiations,” said Muffine. “I could feel it.”
A big welcome is planned at the Montrose Regional Airport for sometime in December. Anyone who is indebted to the MDDL is urged to attend. Leis and bowls of Rocky Mountain Oysters will be served along with rare Olathe sweetbreads and disappearing Spring Creek alfalfa parfaits.
Manana was chosen over close finishers Joliet, Illinois and Glendive, Montana due, presumably, due to a more favorable climate. It also knocked out strong urban contenders Naco, Sonora and Andong, South Korea due to a lower wage scale that has been in place since the 70s. Gumby maintains two larger plants in Louisiana and New Jersey as well as the main assembly plant in Death Valley.
Gumby Corporation earns an estimated $3 billion per year, ranking it as number one all time in Manana lore, just edging out Shirley’s Cakes (1969 – 1989). Once the plant starts pumping out Gumbys it could be Katy Bar the Door with regards to standing fiscal records as far way as Paradox and Cahone.
Much of the success comes from a company policy of not paying employees for their toil. The benefits are, however worth it, according to Gumby which pays for employee coffee while on the job, offers free parking and 10% off in the commissary to all employees in good standing.
“That adds up to a substantial package after twenty years on the job,” said Muffine, who adds that after 30 years every employee gets a free Gumby for every member of the family, even uncles and aunts.
“We intend to keep a watchful eye on Gumby actions,” said Muffine. “We certainly don’t want another Louisiana-Pacific debasement.”
Due to poor maneuvering on the part of Manana, and Montrose County plus a classic betrayal by Colonese sheepherders back the Eighties, Louisiana-Pacific now owns most of the Gunnison, Uncompahgre and San Juan National Forests plus thousands of acres of forgotten BLM land.
“But we fooled them and kept the mineral and water rights,” stressed Muffine.
Construction of the plant, set to begin in 2016, will feature pre-fabricated walls and ceilings made in Death Valley. Few jobs will be created here although Gumby s reportedly “looking for a cheap concrete finisher”. In addition a Gala Credit Union has been established for employees who might inherit money during their tenure or moonlight with a second job for a paycheck.
Gumby brings with it a questionable track record in the air quality category. Environmentalists contend that Gumby is solely responsible for 80% of the pollution in Gary, Indiana and 0ver 90% in Racine, Wisconsin resulting from continuous toxic dumping near a Super Gumby in from 1990 – 1999. Gumby is also been declared a “person” of interest in the demise of forestland in eastern Montana and vast stretches of the Dakotas.
“Hey, nobody’s perfect,” said Muffine. “At least they don’t leave tailings behind.”
Walter T Gumby, an indigent watch repairman, who firmly believed in the ignorance of the American consumer, founded the Gumby Corporation in 1910. In just a few short months he was selling Gumbys (made by Polar Bear Breath candlelight in his dirty, filthy basement in the dark of night) all over the West Coast and Hawaii. His untimely death at 111 left the Gumby Empire to his gifted son Marvin who was also known as an intolerable bore and drunkard. Despite his failings, Marvin guided the company through the row-your-boat Twenties and icebergs of the Depression. His performance was mythological considering his alcohol intake.
“One of the reasons Gumby did not suffer in the Stock Market crash of 1929 is that the directors followed an eccentric pattern of operating on a cash only basis. Why even in the war years (1939–1945) Marvin’s peg-legged sister “Peggy” ran the entire operation out of an R.G. Dunn cigar box, once a Christmas gift from her late grandfather. By the time of the election of Franklin Roosevelt the Gumby fortune has exceeded $23 million, all safely stored in three cigar boxes on three continents.
Peggy, who followed the family tradition of longevity, (her father Marvin having died after a bout with exposure in Miami at age 99) continues to run the company by proxy on play money provided by the board for her amusement. She has yet to visit Manana due to that city’s limited mall shopping experiences.
“The Gumby story is a great example of how good old’ American stupidity and greed can result in a better life for some,” said Muffine. “Mass production right here in the USA! We are pleased to have Gumby as part of our happy industrial family.”
(Editor’s note: After months of investigative journalism we still can’t find anyone who knows just what Gumbys are used for or why anyone would want to buy one. Although billions have been sold we can’t find anyone who will admit to having purchased one. Nonetheless we will continue our quest next time around, when we travel to Death Valley to interview Peggy Gumby herself, before she drops dead and takes the secrets of the empire to the grave.)
– Kashmir Horseshoe
AMA Rethinks Twinkies
(Duluth, MN — The Surprise Inside Report — March 7, 2016)
The American Medical Association is again swaying its opinion on Twinkies now that Monsanto is set to perform extensive testing its own brand of the ultra-sugary treat.
For decades the conservative medical mouthpiece for doctors in the United States has taken a more practical line condemning such foods as barbecued potato chips, Moon Pies, canned refried beans, Cocoa Pebbles and most frozen TV dinners as unhealthy and potential dangerous to one’s health.
Now, in a 180-degree shift, the pill lobby is telling us the genetically modified junk food is OK.
“The biggest shift is in the sugar food groups,” said Dr. Weeban Lackluster of Pea Green Chemicals. “We all know people need a minimum sugar intake but now its OK to eat more!”
Of late, those happy words “Eat more” have resonated off cathedral ceilings and barn doors and all over the Rockies, as people shift into full consumption mode for summer.
“If sugar is going to kill you why worry if it’s genetically modified or even spiritually enhanced?” laughed the doctor. “The entire conversation about hyperactivity in children (one long associated with sugar intake) is meant for the psychology classroom and not for the overworked parent who slaps a toaster strudel into the kid before he goes to school, or packs Twinkies in his lunch.”
Although dentists continue to insist that sugar is bad for the teeth, several food producers are calling for the resurrection of genetically altered junk foods into the health food category.
“We have found that our fried wontons, barbecued chips and especially Moon Pies contain mounds of support fiber while TV dinners are an excellent source of monosodium glutamate,” said Lackluster.
“If we can convince little kids that they are eating real sugar when they are eating our chemicals it should be easy to convince an adult they are eating a real peach when they are munching on our “special peaches” we will have won. Then we can sell what is produced for pennies for dollars and control the market. What they hell….we’re all gonna be dead someday anyway.”
– Rufus Maxwell
