Northern Lights Spur Witch Hunts
M. Toole | Mar 13, 2016 | Comments 0
(Salem, MA Broom Makers Gazette March 13, 2016)
A sunning display of the Northern Lights, stuck in an odd configuration with the anniversary of the infamous Salem Witch Trails has prompted violence here. Bands of frantic citizens have seized witches, threatening to do them bodily harm unless “the big lights go away”.
The mobs, made up of puritan radicals and undergraduate economic majors at Harvard, have beetled police for three nights whenever the lights make a cameo appearance.
Attempts to explain the phenomenon in laymen’s terms have failed miserably when crazed hordes shouted down astrologists and TV news professionals from as far away as Gloucester and Marblehead. Cars have been tuned over and citizens attacked with brooms by horrified dregs fearing Armageddon. Sources say over 200 witches and warlocks remain detained as some sort of flimsy defense against what opportunist demagogues are calling “those yonder demonic lights”.
Police are currently sealing off the downtown area and no reported barbecues have taken lace within the town limits but as night fell it is anyone’s guess if the current panic will swell or subsist.
The Northern Lights are expected to revert to centuries old patterns and will most likely disappear by the weekend.
“Until you witness a which hunt you don’t realize the ferocity of group stupidity,” said one officer.
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