All Entries Tagged With: "Ridgway"

Local Attorney Sues Self for Millions

(Lake City — Hinsdale Howler and Miner — January 20, 2015) A local lawyer has filed a $3 million lawsuit against herself in District Quart this morning. The document alleges that she “willfully did seek to diminish fiscal potential which then did irreparable harm to herself and her cats.
Wathena Savoy, a failed denture maker who turned to the law in 2003, sat unmoved as the preliminary hearing proceeded. She then confronted the court loudly, accusing herself of spending her grocery money at the local bar.
She then went into a clever charade explaining how she spent over $2000 on lottery tickets (to win $2) and has maintained constant credit card debt over $70,000. Later, last spring, she drove her sparkling new 2014 Henway off Slumgullion Pass after allowing her insurance to expire.
A now tearful Savoy then broke down and told the judge that she had buried over $25,000 in a coffee can to avoid paying tax on the sum. Unfortunately she got stoned and forgot where she had hidden the loot.
“And now the phone bill is overdue,” she sobbed.
Savoy ended her pungent soliloquy by begging the court for mercy and a few dollars to pay the parking meter. – Peter Pecker

Eagles Spot 118 DOW Workers

(Gunnison, CO  Raptors and Rodents Review  January 20, 2015) Local eagles estimate 118 separate sightings along the river alone. That’s the number of Colorado Division of Wildlife officials spotted since August 25, according to a lightly plagiarized piece appearing in Yield and Scream Magazine.
The figure represents a 23% increase over the same period last season.
“We wait for the DOW flocks to land, sedate them, tag them and check them for various indicators before letting them go,” squawked one bald eagle extending his wings for emphasis.
The eagles have discovered three new species of DOW birds since the program began in 1996; the year authorities noticed a drastic drop in DOW species wintering here. Many of the DOW herds were relocating to other parts of the country where real estate was cheaper and the food was in greater supply. Today the population is double that of 1996, a detail that the eagles
cannot explain but take full credit for orchestrating.
The once-endangered genus generally resides in towns and cities and enjoys roosting in desks and pickups. An observant, patient shutterbug can get a great shot at dawn and dusk when the species is migrating to and from nesting areas.
“We won’t quit until we’ve tagged every one of them,” said an eagle scout reconnoitering like nobody’s business out the backfields. “Even the seasonal ones. Can’t talk now. There’s shrew out here. You ever ate shrew?”
The DOW birds are easily identified as they grow longer green coverage as the colder weather sets in. Often the plumage extends to headgear and, of corpse, eye protection. During particularly wet years the DOW bird grows rubber feet, not webbed but anchored by tread of second skin.
As the relentless tagging comes to a compassionate close the eagles will continue an independent study of migration patterns and embarrassing mating rituals common to the this odd group.

“I hate the outdoors. To me, the outdoors is where the car is.”    – Will Durst

Flip Flop Factory Slated for Montrose

(Olathe, CO — Beat Feets Magazine — January 20, 2015) The newly painted Montrose Industrial Plaza will be the home of a flip-flop plant that will turn recycled rubber tires into leisure footwear. The factory and yard will cover 3 square miles and employ 3000 people all at minimum wage.
According to a man wearing a tie at the Office of the Developmentally Beleaguered Committee, the flip-flop industry is green and relatively non-polluting.
“The use of raw materials already in this country is far better than importing necessary materials from China. We know that much,” said the enlightened administrator.
Flip-Flop Ventures Ltd., of Racine, Wisconsin will headquarter all manufacturing, distribution and recycling here while the accounting and administrative offices will remain where they are until next year. Ongoing negotiations with county commissars will determine the size and location of such trivialities as storage for raw materials, chemical waste, safety of the community and rubber aromas.
“We expect everything to run smoothly since our leaders have made nothing but good decisions since around 1990 which spiked the population and brought chronic social problems and traffic snarls to the valley,” said the tie wearer. “That was the year the leaders of Montrose traded a pleasant, rural identity for a mundane, same-old suburban look.”
In addition to the factory Flip-Flop will operate a catalogue store, a seconds outlet and free parking for employees. The plant will run three shifts and be open 24 hours, 7 days a week.
“We choose Montrose because of the quality of life, the unhurried lifestyle and the presence of cheap labor. A ready reserve of discarded tires and, of course your many abandoned rubber plantations on the plateau, played heavily into the formula,” said an executive at FFV.
The footwear, constructed of raw and recycled rubber, will be exported to Third World countries like Telluride and Grand Junction. The facility, as stated, will cover 3 square miles with the industrial unit taking up almost half of that space. The entire erection will be shaped like foot with a massive big toe at the end of it. Developers hope to employ a healthy dose of neon lighting on the toe if they can get by pesky visual and building codes.
Hats off to all of those who worked so hard to bring us this commercial lift and to make this a better community. – Melvin Toolski

Montrose Man Pays Off National Debt

(Uncompahgre Plateau  —  Colorado Bankers Dozen — January 20, 2015) A retired railroad worker who “came into a few dollars recently” has reportedly paid the United States’ government’s overdue bills, thus erasing the national debt.
In addition he paid back all loans from banks and other countries in the hope that the imbalance of trade could be corrected or at least lightened before the end of the fiscal year.
The generous patriot, who demanded anonymity, set precedent Friday morning by writing a check for an estimated $3.4 billion, which undresses the current debt. The surprised bank teller that handled the negotiation checked the status of the donor’s account and stamped her approval on the check receipt.
“He simply grew tired of watching entities like Gramm-Rudman coming down with all the credit status crap,” said an attorney for the check writer. “It was the right thing to do and the money was just sitting in the bank. We waited a week or two to accrue a bit more interest then sent the check.”
Unreliable sources within the Department of the Treasury were shocked when the check arrived in Washington yesterday. The agency plans to start cutting checks to creditors as early as this evening.
“We are currently waiting for this monster check to clear then we will move,” said a treasury official. “We can pay off this silly debt and fire about 12,000 accountants currently employed in the Deficits Bureau in Omaha or Tacoma or someplace weird. That alone will save us millions in salaries and benefits.”
President Obama is pushing legislation that would erect a substantial monument to “a generous American” on the West Lawn. He hinted that the donor might even appear on the new $25 bill, replacing Millard Fillmore in that capacity. The President attempted to call the philanthropist personally this week but found that the secretive benefactor’s phone had been cut off for lack of payment. Undaunted the President sent a photo of himself and a note of profuse, bubbly thanks.
According to the local social services the man is broke. He collects less than $800 per month from Social Security and a pittance more from a railroad pension.
“This mysterious patron borrowed $5 from me to get lunch the other day,” snapped one social worker that asked to remain pseudonymous. “I guess things changed significantly.”
Meanwhile close friends say the philanthropist remains reticent,
content in the knowledge that he has bailed out his countrymen.
“I just couldn’t stand the thought of the greatest nation on earth looking like a deadbeat,” he winced. “I really don’t mind helping or doing my part. I just hope the feds can keep things straight from here on out because I’m not going to do this again.” – Fred Zeppelin

Struggling Colleges Lobby for Draft

(New Haven) Many of the country’s top colleges are struggling to fill their lecture halls. Caught in the middle of baby booms and the lack of jobs for graduates, they have begun lobbying the Selective Service to reinstitute the military draft, hinged on student deferments.
Local schools that have sent representatives to Washington include Pea Green Academy, Police State University and the University of Downtown Delta. Several regional colleges such as WSCU, Ft Lewis and Mesa State University have taken a wait-and-see posture on this potentially messy petition.
Deans at all of these institutions stress that they do not support military adventurism but are faced with empty desks unless they can successfully motivate 18 – 22 year-olds to sign up for classes.
The Selective Service has yet to comment on the actions.

New Mining Technique Unearthed

(Gladstone  –  Hard Rock Times – January 20, 2015) Young geologists here have developed a new and inexpensive method for the extraction of mineral bearing ore from underground sites. Early testing at Silverton’s once-abandoned Funnyside Mine has yielded such success that the entire industry is in shock over the amount of ore recovered without much cost for labor.
Emmet Uforia, who embraced the field of geology soon after flunking out of a Flatland Medical Institute in Kansas, had originally dreamed of being a proctologist.
“I come from a long line of proctologists,” quipped Uforia. “But if you can’t get next to one hole there’s always another.”
Armed with a master’s in geologic formation and dance, Uforia has recorded unbelievable strides in the harnessing of natural resources, having perfected the wind chime in 1977 and formulating a highly toxic mosquito spray that kills without prejudice. He has been the recipient of every award associated with rocks.
However it is his ingenious and almost supernatural comprehension of extraction problems that has brought him the esteem of his colleagues.
“He’s quite a kid,” said Abner Smyrna, a retired Silverton miner who now sells T-shirts on Greene Street. “In fact if manure were valuable, he’d figure out a way to run tracks down his tongue and stope out his head!”
During a well-attended press conference Uforia was guarded when bombarded on his nuevo-procto-geologic awakening.
“I have simply done what science has been attempting for decades,” he smiled. “I have blended the most positive attributes of two professions: proctology and geology. This procedure, despite the simplicity of it all, has never been tried before but in layman’s terms I just gave that damned mine an enema.”