All Entries Tagged With: "Ridgway"
GOP Blocks Cigars for Chevys Deal
(Little Havana-Miami El Mundo – Santiago de Cuba Jan 20, 2015)
Denying the existence of illegal Cuban cigars in their desks, bars and cloakrooms, Republicans in the House have threatened to filibuster if the controversial Cigars for Chevys bill reaches their chambers.
The bill calls for a diplomatic exchange of Havana Cigars (illegal in the United States since about 1960) for the more than 200,000 1957 Chevrolets now on the road in Cuba.
The cigars were allegedly smuggled into the U.S. on a regular basis by Congressmen and other wealthy Americans until restrictions were eased this year. The problem is that there are more Cuban Cigars in the U.S. than in Cuba.
Due to an economic embargo imposed by Washington, newer U. S. cars have not been seen on Cuban streets since the late Fifties. Self-educated engineers have rebuilt the vintage Chevys and other cars now cruising the island roads. All are poor people who crafted combinations and recycled parts with a similar regularity.
The fact that U.S. politicians and businessmen have been shipping Havanas to China since Nixon’s historic visit in ___ has tweaked the math.
“We handed them out to the Chinese. Even though they could legally purchase the cigars they always enjoyed a good smoke,” said one Representative who demanded anonymity. “It’s always prudent keep an eye on interest accrued in light of imbalances in the trade deficit,” he smiled. “The cigars were just notions and most of them stale already. It was like giving some kid a balloon with a hold in it.”
“We have evidence somewhere that links the White House to a sinister plot to further manipulate the immigration crisis,” he purred. “He’s gonna let all those other Cuban Muslims come in and pay them to be here!”
– Pinto Mary
Economist Predicts Steady Growth for Western Slope
(Western State Bursar’s Office – Gunnison – January 2o, 2015)
A noted local Bland Valley economist had good news for Western Colorado today saying that healthy growth is here to stay. He assured cynics, packed into the St. Roscoe’s Holiday Bazaar, that major logistical control groups such as children, puppies, lawns and hair will achieve unprecedented growth while fringe segments such as trees, fiscal committees, marijuana gardens, personal opinions, magpie flocks, income taxes, suburbs without cities and grocery prices will maintain a solid, stable rise through 2015.
The San Juan and Elk Mountains, formed some 175 million years ago, will see little monetary expansion or geological development. Voter behavior, the U. S. Congress, credit card responsibility, reading and language skills, television and general brotherly tolerance will remain stagnant according to revenue clairvoyant Diane F. Dollars, of the Rare Coin Institute in Fruita.
While the projections were well received, most in the audience had hoped for clearer, more concise indications of their fiscal futures. Macro or micro, the entire picture is not foolproof nor does it claim to represent all walks of life.
“People who get up every day to go to work and people who sleep all day can expect the same quality of life,” said the protected source. “Persons who have inherited wealth and those who make minimum wage will see little difference while life will offer much the same to bankers, journalists and other petty thieves.”
Dr. Enselmo Sturgeon, Director of Urine Analysis at the University of Downtown Delta and a respected voice on such matters as blanket investments and pillow talk, says the forecasts are invalid since they do not break down the behavior of producers and the lethargic within society as a hole.
“Sure growth is much like the food chain,” he gestured. “Some eat and some go hungry. Survival itself is a victory be it in the jungle or up in the mountains. What remains essential is the human desire to succeed.”
Joining Sturgeon in this confederacy of optimism are incumbent politicos who, unlike potential challengers and out-of-luck party candidates, point to positive trends real or imagined, in their appraisal.
“We realize that this adventure in economics is only a summation of statistics, peppered with silly measures such as consumer confidence and low interests rates,” said Dollars. “We don’t suggest buying another yacht or maxing your credit cards. It’s a sensitive issue to say the least and many of us are not all that comfortable talking about money with strangers.”
– Aaron Greenspam
Colorful Diet
(Cumberland Conundrum — January 20, 2015) Back in 1957, Allie Teete survived for two weeks and a day on a diet of salmon eggs, earthworms and beer while marooned on a deserted island in the middle of Blue Mesa. Moments after his rescue, Teete told reporters that he limited his intake to 3 eggs, two worms and a handful of beer each day. He further claimed that he had become intimate with the local fish and could not bring himself to eat his new friends.
Century Link Office Without Service
(Special from Hello Phone! – February 10, 2015) The local office of Century Link has been without telephone service since earlier this week due to the actions of an undetermined employee or employees in an undisclosed office somewhere over the rainbow.
“We have called and called to get this matter sorted out but we are either put on hold or run through an annoying series of prompts and hoops,” said Orem Zapp, of the detached corporate telephone provider. “Century Link needs to hire more “service professionals” or lower its rates. Paying customers should not have to deal with this runaround.”
The service was apparently cut-off back on Wednesday due to what has now been logged as nonpayment. Sources at Century Link are convinced that someone simply hit the wrong switch somewhere in its vast empire of wires and digital beeps.
“This is ridiculous,” cried Zapp. “We always pay our bills on time.”
According to a hastily formatted response, Century Link says the disconnected party has not paid a phone bill since the days of Ma Bell and the Pony Express.
Citing case number 45kk30091LSMFT, Century Link contends that irresponsible behavior demands punitive actions be taken: The disconnection of the offending member.
Century Link offices here continue to be without service. Corporate sources, insulated by design from its client base, have estimated that the cut-off party will have to pay $2143.06 to reconnect. Today’s correspondence verifies that the amount will continue to increase until the bill is paid in full.
“We are not demons,” said one company spokesperson. “We can set up a payment plan.”
Meanwhile, employees at the secret underground facility located somewhere beneath the Uncompahgre Plateau are carrying on with the daily exchange by employing CB radios and homing pigeons.
Fortunately the postal service is on its toes,” said Zapp, “so we can continue to send out invoices to our customers in good standing.
– Susie Compost
Town Rejected as Nuclear Waste Dump
(Montrose, Colorado — Atomic Chronicle — January 20, 2015) To the profound disappointment of the residents of Manana, Colorado, Chem-Nuclear Systems has soundly disqualified the locale saying it is not nice enough to be used as a proposed site for a low-level radioactive waste repository.
“It’s a shock, to say the last,” said one incredulous resident of the economically depressed, often desperate burgh where children once ate uranium tailings for breakfast. “Was it something we said?”
When a town is dismissed as a potential waste site, the future looks bleak especially considering most towns do not want this kind of industry in their backyard.
“We painted the place and spruced up the dump and all the junk yards,” whined another inhabitant. “The river still moves and the rocks still shine.”
“Manana is a lovely town,” said a spokesman for Chem-Nuclear. “The people are friendly and supportive and cheap labor abounds. The hunting and fishing are the best and the views are incredible. But, frankly Manana did not have what we were looking for in a radioactive dumpsite. You might say Manana was not our cup of tea…or in this case our cup of swill.”
One storekeeper expressed it well, saying the dismissal was a lot like asking the ugliest person you can find to marry you only to be turned down flat. He then told reporters that the entire town is depressed and humiliated by the actions of Chem-Nuclear.
“We think the company is run by liberals,” he scoffed.
In a related development, officials here confirmed rumors that the United States Air Force is searching for a new bombing range and target test area with structures intact.
“Sure, we’ll fill out the forms and apply for the position,” said one councilperson, “but after losing the dump our hearts are barely into it.”
– Mel Toole
