Montrose Man Pays Off National Debt

(Uncompahgre Plateau  —  Colorado Bankers Dozen — January 20, 2015) A retired railroad worker who “came into a few dollars recently” has reportedly paid the United States’ government’s overdue bills, thus erasing the national debt.
In addition he paid back all loans from banks and other countries in the hope that the imbalance of trade could be corrected or at least lightened before the end of the fiscal year.
The generous patriot, who demanded anonymity, set precedent Friday morning by writing a check for an estimated $3.4 billion, which undresses the current debt. The surprised bank teller that handled the negotiation checked the status of the donor’s account and stamped her approval on the check receipt.
“He simply grew tired of watching entities like Gramm-Rudman coming down with all the credit status crap,” said an attorney for the check writer. “It was the right thing to do and the money was just sitting in the bank. We waited a week or two to accrue a bit more interest then sent the check.”
Unreliable sources within the Department of the Treasury were shocked when the check arrived in Washington yesterday. The agency plans to start cutting checks to creditors as early as this evening.
“We are currently waiting for this monster check to clear then we will move,” said a treasury official. “We can pay off this silly debt and fire about 12,000 accountants currently employed in the Deficits Bureau in Omaha or Tacoma or someplace weird. That alone will save us millions in salaries and benefits.”
President Obama is pushing legislation that would erect a substantial monument to “a generous American” on the West Lawn. He hinted that the donor might even appear on the new $25 bill, replacing Millard Fillmore in that capacity. The President attempted to call the philanthropist personally this week but found that the secretive benefactor’s phone had been cut off for lack of payment. Undaunted the President sent a photo of himself and a note of profuse, bubbly thanks.
According to the local social services the man is broke. He collects less than $800 per month from Social Security and a pittance more from a railroad pension.
“This mysterious patron borrowed $5 from me to get lunch the other day,” snapped one social worker that asked to remain pseudonymous. “I guess things changed significantly.”
Meanwhile close friends say the philanthropist remains reticent,
content in the knowledge that he has bailed out his countrymen.
“I just couldn’t stand the thought of the greatest nation on earth looking like a deadbeat,” he winced. “I really don’t mind helping or doing my part. I just hope the feds can keep things straight from here on out because I’m not going to do this again.” – Fred Zeppelin