All Entries Tagged With: "Ridgway"
Cereal Killer Still at Large
(Ridgway, CO — Back of the Box Press — May 25, 2015)
A person of interest, described as a madman continues to elude police this evening leaving this mountain hamlet on edge.
The cold-blooded assassin has now claimed responsibility for the untimely demise Frank L. White, the Cream of Wheat chef, who was found dead yesterday. Such standout mascots as Tony the Tiger, Fruity Pebbles, Sugar Bear, Captain Crunch, Snap, Crackle and Pop and others have already fallen.
The killer seems to get stronger and less visible with every episode. Detectives on the case agree that the carnage from one violent act provides the flame, the desire to commit further atrocities.
Anyone who has appeared on a Wheaties box is urged to be careful, modify daily routines, pack some protection, and not wander around alone after dark.
“Pretty soon we’re bound to run out of cereal box personalities and this killer will expand his/her guest list,” said former town councilman and San Miguel County refugee Patsy Cake. “If this continues I’ll move back to Telluride.”
In her best-selling autobiography “Vile Coffee and the Educated Electorate” Ouray County health official Dr. Kaye Zevonne discusses the effects of metabolic stress on cardboard hate crimes.
“Whenever we see violence against innocent cereal box personalities we can pretty much determine that no one is safe,” says the doctor, who specializes in abnormal psychology both at work and in her daily life. “These copy cat crimes are the result of a desire to be important, even famous. It’s a sick culture that tolerates these actions with or without milk and sugar.”
Police are requesting that all residents keep their doors secured and eat only lunch and dinner until this matter is resolved.
“We’ll catch this monster and cut off his corn flakes, if you get my drift,” said one deputy. – Rufus Max
Faithful Warned of Shortages in Hereafter
(Bridge of Heaven – Ouray County, Colorado –May 25, 2015)
Persons expecting to enter the Pearly Gates should be aware of heavenly imperfections, even up there, said Rev. Price Bullwhistle, at a meeting of the Rich, Privileged Christians held last night.
Bullwhistle said that while most everything is cushy, there are a few rough spots still to work out. He then stressed that the righteous follow him in embracing a little reality where eternity is concerned.
“Many of the saved may not have their own bathroom in heaven,” he offered, “nor will all the meals feature meat. We must be patient with the angels,” he flinched. “A well-rounded Christian can adapt, especially considering the known alternatives.”
Other news covered in the three-hour session focused on eliminating political and cultural rivals and making more money for the congregation.
Quoting from the Book of Moammar, one of the Bad Angels of Orange County, Bullwhistle noted some of the more cutting shortages in the Great Beyond:
- Fuel is in short supply up there due in part to delivery distances and Purgatorial bandits along the way. Myths about 29-cent gas and full service garages are bunk and nothing more. Since OPEC is staffed with heathens who cannot go to heaven anyway the organization has en none to quick to drop prices.
- Fast food outlets are disappearing at a rapid pace since the celestial populace has rejected that fare in favor of a healthier intake. Shortages of wilted lettuce and stale ketchup have not helped the situation.
- Moses no longer drives a red Cadillac. He now operates a Toyota, built in Tel Aviv.
- Pay phones are not still 5 cents in fact they are up to a half-dollar, if one can find one that works. A call from heaven to, say, Limbo can cost $40 for 3 minutes while the cost to call hell is obscenely expensive.
- Lift tickets are not $10 at sacred ski resorts but have climbed to the ungodly sum of $35. Greens fees are out of this world too.
Bullwhistle went on to tell the assembled faithful that politics exhibit a mean streak in paradise, just like on earth.
“Richard Nixon was never pardoned up there,” he bellowed through his flag-draped megaphone. “He wasn’t even elected governor of California either.”
According to Bullwhistle black and white footage of the 1936 Olympics in Munich does not show Adolph Hitler shaking hands with Jesse Owens after the latter, a Black American stole the Aryan Show. Hitler, who lives downstairs, is a popular after-dinner speaker demanding 120,000 indulgences per speech. Even he complains about the quality of the whirlpool strudel, which is anonymously served by SS cheerleaders, after each performance.
On a social note Bullwhistle warned of such common myths like “I’m in heaven now so I can eat as much as I like or Forget about personal hygiene. I’m a spirit now and nobody can smell me anyway.”
Imagine if you will, started Bullwhistle, a slow-moving elevator crammed with the fat and the righteous. No toothpaste, no deodorant on this excursion. Hey, who dropped the soap?” he cackled. “Hell may indeed brandish its fury but we would have smelleth heaven’s wrath!”
The reverend continued by verifying that the New York Times Book Review and The Daily Show are easily found in heaven. He confirmed that falling through clouds injured at least 140,000 Heavenians since the turn of the last century.
“Persons who judge their neighbor down here will be saddled with less than good footing up there,” he smiled.
– Saint Roscoe of Paddycake
Farcheezies Join REA on Kebler Power Line Spat
(Crested Butte CO — May 25, 2015) Internationally renown high-wire artists Margot and Slim Farcheezie have hired on with the local rural electric association. The collaboration is in an attempt to smooth feathers and lighten the hearts of residents here, angry over power surges and proposed power line expansion.
Many inhabitants feel that the electric company shuts off power during off-season months yet still charges the same. They say this recent marriage with the Farcheezies is a further attempt to convince its customers that a new Kebler power line is necessary. Local environmentalists say the power line will only disrupt wildlife and create an unsightly intrusion in an otherwise pristine locale.
“We regulate the power during what was once called off-season to save energy and since no one of any consequence is in town anyway,” quipped an electric spokesman.
The Farcheezies are quite popular in Crested Butte due to Croatian heritage and longtime association with CF&I in Pueblo. The two own 28 dogs. Suspicious citizens see the arrangement is another attempt to whitewash the matter and go on with the master plan.
“A good number of the newer residents in Crested Butte, thinking they have found a utopia, do not have electricity and want to keep it that way,” said Sallie Scallope of the utility concern. “Sure they do. Just let them make it through a winter without the amenities that your power company provides. Ha!”
According to the current direction the Farcheezies will be on call 24 hours a day to trouble shoot Kebler, offering transport and live polka music on heavy snow days. The electric company has spent a reported $35,000 on trapeze equipment, hire wires, tights, tutu dresses, lighting, nets and an orthopedic seat for Mr. Farcheezie.
“Anything is better than paving Kebler,” gasped one resident.
Horseshoe readers may remember the Farcheezies from back in 1981 when the pair was inked to extend the debt ceiling while controlling inflation in South America. Anyone wishing to speak directly to the Farcheezies should call the Irwin Lodge here they will be staying until their doublewide arrives from Eastern Europe. – Teddy Kilowatt
Mosquitoes Not Coming
Ridgway, CO — Dutch Charley Naturals — May 25, 2015
Sources here confirmed fears that the seasonal flow of mosquitos will be minimal in the San Juans this summer. Already traditional mosquito hangouts are “less than buzzing” say official sprayers, which indicates a disruption in migratory patters and this fewer pests.
“A lot of your fashion conscious, upwardly mobile parasites are opting for the beach this summer,” said an unconfirmed source in Pleasant Valley. “You can’t blame them since many beach resorts are offering killer deals on rooms and air fares are down.”
(Ed note: Mosquitoes have never been known to purposely fly on airplanes or pay even their part of a hotel room. This said, we will move on to the (hopefully) early end of this story.
“It’s not like we will miss these blood suckers,” said the source, “but they do spend a lot of cash.”
(This too has been questioned since no one has ever seen a mosquito spend as much as a dime on anything.)
Other economic watchdogs insist that the shortages of mosquitoes will not adversely affect the earnings of Colorado businesses in 2015. Saying that the parasites have never had any fiscal impact here, they called the concerns unfounded.
“There are people out there who seek to micromanage their gardens, their lawns, their pets, the birds in the sky and the fish in the rivers. They are a mess. These concerned citizens have gone over the top on the mosquito statistics. Did they count every mosquito to arrive at these conclusions?
“Children keep butterflies in a jar. Sooner or later the butterfly ceases to be amusing and finally smothers,” said Dr. Ed Pink of the Bug-eyed Institute at Pea Green Academy. “Then the same kid goes out and captures a frog or a snake. That’s how our local economy works. Mosquitoes have nothing to do with it. – Dag Katz
Indian Named as new Police Chief
(Coorsville, Colorado – May 25, 2015
In a surprise announcement City Hall has appointed an American Indian, with no previous law enforcement training to act as the new Chief of Police.
“It seemed the appropriate thing to do,” said Mayor Chuck Jalepena from his desk at the Adobe Bar and Grill downtown. “I mean…like…he’s a real Indian and everybody keeps saying we’ve got too many chiefs and not enough Indians around here. Lazy Horse is a genuine chief too. He told me so himself.”
The new lawman, who calls himself Chief Lazy Horse, was at the mayor’s side for a weekly press conference. He had more than a few comments and announced immediate changes within the department.
“I’m going to rid the force of the haircut restrictions. From now one all officers will be required to wear braids and otter skin in their hair,” explained Horse, “and that goes for the women too.”
All deputies will now ride around on horses instead of patrol cars and carry a bow and arrows as the equalizer according to the new boss.
“There will be no more harassment of Indians and Latinos, Blacks, the homeless and other poor people,” he smiled. “From now on the police will be watching the Yuppies an the rich folks in town. We will avoid racial profiling unless the suspect is in a Volvo or Saab. Anyone wearing a suit on the weekend or driving a mini-van with their hair in curlers will be detained.”
Critics of the move say they fear a complete makeover of the county law enforcement entity which has supported their interests since the Little Bighorn.” – Manco Copac