All Entries Tagged With: "Ridgway"
Speed Limit Increased on Mountain Passes
From The Gold Creek Erotic and Collector
(Parlin, Colorado – May 25, 2015)
An across the board speed limit increase is now in effect for all Colorado mountain passes. Policy makers in Denver have decided to raise the per hour velocity after studying time-distance charts posted on the walls in the C-DOT men’s room this morning.
The heavy-handed Front Range contingent feels very strongly that “nobody should be allowed to spend that much time going nowhere.”
The mountain routes that will soon see 75 miles per hour are Engineer, Kebler, Cinnamon, Ophir, Ohio, Corkscrew, Pearl, Black Bear, Juanita, Imogene, Owl Creek, Cottonwood, Schofield and Cumberland Passes.
Speed limits of 65 will remain for drivers on Mosquito, Marshall, McClure and Paradise Divide.
“We figure we’ve done everything else to lure these jeep enthusiasts and other motorists to Colorado so we just as well let them loose on the passes,” said one legislator. “Certain natural confines are in play that may result in dire circumstances for those who don’t respect the conditions up there, especially at night.”
In other business the Colorado House voted to fine all RV operators who do not possess a chauffeurs license and denied other motorists the right to fire on slow moving vehicles holding up more than 10 vehicles in a row. Jeepsters are asked to leave their cash and credit cards down in town in case of a serious accident or disappearance. – Sergio Jingles
Famous Bow Tie Enthusiasts
(continued from Parlin’s Gilded Age Review – May 10, 2015)
Albert Schweitzer & Mickey Mouse
C. Everet Koop & Saul Bellow
Daniel Moynihan & Irvin R. Levine
Louis Farrakhan & Gene Shalit
Alfred Kinsey & Winston Churchill
Dave Garraway & Porky Pig
Orville Redenbacher & Dagwood Bumstead
Krusty the Clown & Indiana Jones
Mr. Hooper & Elton John
Franklin Roosevelt & Wally Cox
Karl Marx & Harry Truman
Pee Wee Herman & _____.
Can you name another 20 or 30 famous bow tie wearers?
Send us your list and we’ll throw it in the trash with this worthless roster.
Did Hitler ever wear a bow tie? Dick Cheney?
Next time: “The Children’s Book of Wine” with McGeorge Normandie.
McGeorge interviews Tammy Tanat, author of “What to Tell Your Lover About Dog Food”. Elmo don Hatchette, author of “Zen Will You Shovel the Snow”, will join the stunning duo.
Later a bad studio band will crank it up. The final segment could get wild as Rev. Carlo Pique-Stinge, of Harlem/West Palm Beach debates the question of Affirmative Action with former House Republican, Steve Scalise, now of Louisiana.
Fisherman Survives on Garlic Marshmallows, Warm Coors
(Blue Mesa Lake — Sagebrush Survival Review — May 25, 2015)
When a wet and shaken Ed Pinke emerged from Chicken Bay and onto Highway 50 he was a changed man. Lost in the backwaters, drifts and rapids
common to this untamed reservoir, est. 1965, he had nothing to eat for three hours except those little yellow garlic marshmallows that are used as bait in civilized fishing circles.
Pinke wandered away from his companions at about 10 am with very little in the way of provisions, no eye protection, no safety shoes or weaponry. All he had said was “I’m going to try my luck downstream.”
All he carried was a dented tackle box, containing bait and a can of Coors.
His return brought a rousing cheer from his fishing buddies who had just returned from Gunnison with more beer.
Doctors pronounced Pinke to be in excellent shape, considering his ordeal. They vowed to further explore the relationship between garlic cubes that attract fish and hospital room service delicacies currently on the menu back at St Roscoe’s.
Pinke was cheated and released earlier this evening. He was sighted at around 8:30 digging nightcrawlers near his house.
Heartfelt Thanks to Readers
(St. Roscoe’s Memorial Hospital – Colona, Colorado — May 25, 2015)
The entire staff of the san Juan Horseshoe would like to extend its sincere gratitude for gifts and pledges received on behalf of our departed brother Edwin Toole.
June marks 19 years since Toole took an unexpected and unrehearsed dive off a common bar stool resulting in fatal injuries.
Although initially the diagnosis was limited to a dislocated liver, a severely squelched tailbone, two broken antennae, a split lip, and a broken eyebrow which did nothing but irritate his chronic, and much publicized, Gregorian gout.
Toole’s condition worsened after being admitted into St. Roscoe’s Hospital, rumored to be the best in the region.
Scandal mongers in the shabby neighborhood say the deceased injured his fibula or maybe his femora climbing out of his hospital window to place bets at Pavlov’s Dog Track, located not a block away. Please send all further donations directly to the track since Toole could not afford bedside mail delivery.
Western Counties May Secede
Donald Powers Jr. and Melvin Toolini contributed to this article
It has become painfully apparent that the state gov’ment, based far, far away in Denver, is partial toward the needs of the Front Range. Sadly, the best anyone from Western Colorado can hope for are the crumbs leftover from that mess over there. Either that or complete separation.
Many imperative projects have been forgotten or never began due to priorities based on population and wealth centered on the east side of the Great Divide. The social and economic progress of the Western Slope has suffered in direct correlation to this blind eye.
Because of this deplorable situation it has long been the desire of many residents living in these hinterlands to drop off the map of Colorado and form an independent government. A precedent was set in West Virginia in 1862 when that state left Virginia over a communal disturbance called the American Civil War.
And now a progressive yet tedious concept has been advanced that may supplant the above notion: Secession from the United States!
Spearheaded by a contingent of mining and agricultural interests, the expanded concept bases its stimulus on the belief that the United States is headed rapidly toward demise. Be it terrorism, nuclear war, global warming, sectarian violence or the accelerated dumbing down of the nation, the cards appear stacked against a bright future.
“People do not appear to like each other in the US,” said Professor Efram Pennywhistle of the Western Slope Mood and Leverage Institute. “They all blame the other side for the problems that have been created by everyone. Many here feel that by severing ties we might escape the coming holocaust, this bad karma.
For logistical reasons the entire landmass of the Western Slope will not be included in the plan. Although still in the early planning stages it has become clear that hastily raised militia cannot defend vast reaches that border Wyoming and Utah. At present it is hoped that the counties of San Juan, Ouray, Hinsdale, Ouray and San Miguel can be weaved into a workable union, allied as a kind of Switzerland of America.
Although the inclusion of Montrose and Delta Counties would provide verdant agricultural pasture, it has been firmly rejected by the clandestine leadership due to the difficulty of defending the flatlands against an expected military incursion by the United States or other potentially hostile parties on our borders.
“The mountainous regions can be held by a relatively small force against a stronger contingent of attackers,” said a well-decorated commander named George S. Bolivar. “The plains would mandate the deployment of a considerably larger army.”
While many distinct problems remain unanswered as to the actual formation of a new nation, several have found immediate solutions. For example, forming a treasury would not be difficult in that all of property and industry owned by non-residents would be nationalized. This would include valuable mining operations and water projects that the new government could manage. Gold and jobs would be the result. The gold would then be available for coinage, giving the new country the soundest monetary base in the world. Instead of printed promises, as in our present currency, all money
would now have inherent worth as solid gold, a standard respected anywhere.
High yields shared by a small population would create a tax-free system where opportunity would exist for all.
Pettiness has reared its head as such items of contention include the location of the new capital. Already many towns and cities have eyeballed the honor. Then the floundering founders remembered Capitol City in Hinsdale County agreeing that it might be the perfect spot.
Capitol City was plotted during the early years of settlement with the hopes that it would become the seat of government for the state. With this in mind the name evolved. Today Capitol City is one of many ghost towns that dot topographic maps, surviving the boom and bust status of those mining days.
It has been tentatively decided that Capitol City might be easily resurrected and put to this original intention, thus terminating future arguments. Names for the new nation drifted from such frontrunners as Colotherado and Blue Sky Confederation.
A host of other problems must still be sorted out. One bothersome question asks if it is ethical to charge neighboring domains for not building sewage treatment plants where our rivers cross out of our borders and into theirs. These annoyances are expected to be resolved in good time.
Meanwhile emissaries from this controversial congress will continue to bring about a reality aimed at shedding the tyranny of our oppressors without provoking a destructive, martial response.
We at this newspaper will endeavor to keep you informed of all issues related to the secession, as they unfold. Until then: Keep your powder dry.