All Entries Tagged With: "Ridgway"
Herbivores Busted by DEA
(Cerebral Pines Stifled Press – August 25, 2015)
Law enforcement agencies have rounded up more than 4000 suspected herbivores, charging them with meatless acts of insurgence, sabotage, plant abuse and, in rare cases, of mutiny.
In custody are leaders of Leafy America, Fruits of the Loom and The Black Sprouts, three known terrorist cells suspected of operating fruit and vegetable stands from underground bunkers on the Uncompahgre Plateau.
“We haven’t located their bunkers yet but it’s just a matter of time before one of them spills the beans as to the whereabouts of the hideouts,” said Officer Lamb, of the Colorado Beet Growers. “Then the frost will clearly grace the pumpkin.”
An attorney for the herbivores, Jay Cornking, says his clients have not broken any laws and that it is not mandatory to consume animal flesh in Colorado.
“If a person prefers to chew on a piece of kale rather than a rib bone he ought to be left alone to pursue his ends,” said Cornking.
Herbivores, or vegetarians as they are often called, pay taxes, volunteer for community organizations, do not strain social services and educate their children according to date collected at elevated levels. Often perishable, these fringe groups are severely misunderstood by carnivores and pot roast barons.
“Just because we don’t build feedlots for peas and carrots doesn’t mean we’re bad people,” said one cowperson. “We’d just rather have a rib-eye than a radish on the grill.”
“Old fears die hard,” laughed Cornking. “Eating greens here in Colorado is legal by way of an amendment to the state constitution. Who cares about a lot of misdirected pontificating in Nebraska and Utah.
– Manual Flushe
Men still following great herds
(Special from The Saber-Tooth Follies – August 25, 2015)
(Cavetowne) Dressed in his best loincloth or leisure suit modern man has continued the tradition of following the great herds. Still uncomfortable with subsistence farming and cubicle tension he has sought more natural means of survival and social development.
“Just look how Homo erectus looks at a herd of elk,” says Doctor Fernham Josephine of Mao Clinic. “It is part longing and part logistic. He appreciates the grace and style of the wild animals but he still wants to bring it down and roast it over his fire. He wants to love the elk, but he also wants to eat dinner.
For millenniums we have watched primitive gangs of hunters track and subdue animals larger and more ferocious than they. They didn’t have assault rifles either. They had flimsy spears and a battle plan that must have brought a smile to the face of their prey.
“Whataya gonna due with the little Barbie spear, Mr. Caveman? Are you going to throw it at me or try to stick it in my side? Whoa! Are you going to all charge me at once? You’re like fleas or lice. I’m frightened. Wouldn’t it be a lot safer for everyone if you just picked up a tub of chicken or some tacos?
Often the ultimate impact intensity of a well-hurled spear would cause the caveman’s pants (animal skins) to fall down to his knees, leaving him the butt of dinosaur laughter. He was also at the mercy of the beasts in that his outfit was wrapped around his ankles, prohibiting a fast retreat.
In ancient times man, often in large groups, would secure meat, then take it back to the cave to barbecue it with friends and family. All would gnaw on the prize down to the bones that would be shared with mongrels and those too old or crippled to help with the taking on the animal. Some of the cavepersons would eat too much and become so chubby that they had to procure new animals hides.
Man has not evolved very far when it comes to primitive eating habits,” said Josephine. “He ate a healthy natural diet which, often lean and limited, gave him the strength to subdue the other animals. And he didn’t have somebody sneaking around behind him genetically modifying his corn and potatoes.” – Uncle Pahgre
Princess Maude-Tulip Taps Local Vets in Puppy Caper
(London) The Crowned Princess of Britain, Duchess of Barnswinkle and Weeds, Tiller of the Enlightenment and Protector of Chutney has chosen Dr. Laura Ramos and Doctor Joseph Alaimo to assist with the delivery of a litter of Royal Yorkies.
A spokesperson for Maude-Tulip told The Horseshoe that the fur physicians were picked due to unquestionable integrity and sustained knowledge.
The conscripted veterinarians will depart for London tomorrow so as to be on the scene for the simple medical procedure expected to take place this week in a Buckingham Palace basement or kennels. While in London the two will stay at the Thames River Observatory, a pet-friendly lodge preferred by nobility and wealthy commoner alike.
“There is no reason to expect problems in the birthing,” said a Tulip aide. “Madame just wants to be sure that experts are in waiting at the time of the big moment.”
Maude-Tulip and her husband Bob have failed to produce an heir to combined properties, wealth and titles but have succeeded in providing royals with lots of puppies since occupying their respective thrones in 1968.
Due to highly sensitive diplomatic nature of the request the action has been deemed compulsory by the yet-to-be-hacked State Department. Seen as a humanitarian gesture by the press, the visit is the first by “animal doctors from the former colonies” to England. After the delivery the two veterinarians will be given a Royal Red Carpet Celebrity Tour of Piccadilly Circus, and the Tower of London during the stay.
On the last evening of the sojourn Ramos and Alaimo will dine with Ringo Starr at his flat in Belgravia.
