All Entries Tagged With: "Ridgway"

BEHIND THE HEADLINES

(The San Juan Horseshoe takes you behind the headlines, where the light is bad and the letters are all turned around backwards. Press 6 to complete your mandatory elbow rubbing session with the senseless and vindictive media. Tip: Listen and watch your wealthy neighbors. They know what’s going on. Corporate Socialism for all!)

Rain Drives Revelers from Montrose Water Park

(Pomona Pacifier – August 25, 2015)

An immediate, and tumultuous thunder storm scattered party goers here Saturday as thousands ran for cover from the searing downpour, measuring .07 inches by the time the dust had cleared.
Many did not make it to dry redoubts before the penetrating sheets of water reached them. Hair, clothing and footwear suffered the brunt of the assault but even those prepared with umbrellas and raingear were pelted mercilessly as they cowered in apprehension of the tempest’s finale.
Standing shivering under makeshift stands and less than supportive cottonwood trees, the throngs thanked their lucky stars that they had managed to avoid what might have been a disastrous afternoon down by the mighty Uncompahgre River, which roared along sweetly as it has since before we came out of the trees. – Rex Montaleone

UPS Finds Civil War Vet’s Store Teeth in Discarded Shipping Tube

One day in 1867 former Confederate officer, Charles Lumber McQuirke of Hattiesburg, Mississippi thought he’d like to eat corn-on-the-cob again. That’s when he ordered the dentures.
Promised in six weeks by the railroad the false teeth never showed up and, since the arrangement was cash on delivery, McQuirke forgot all about the correspondence and bought a fresh set in Biloxi when he was in town for a veteran’s convention.
Now, in a peculiar brush with the past, the chompers have surfaced, apparently stuck between a crate of ax handles and a bag of caramels for almost 150 years.
“They look like new,” said a UPS clerk, who said they found a pair of Fujian boxer shorts from the Ming Dynasty just last week stuck to the back of a set of snow tires.
“I guess they qualify as an antique,” he said.
When contacted about the find, McQuirk’s nearest surviving relative Massy Heathrowe, 112, a multiple great-granddaughter, expressed alarm at the discovery.
“He passed 114 years ago, near as we can tell. Thanks for the return of what is now a family heirloom,” she smiled
UPS said McQuirke-Heathrowe would not be charged for delivery of the dentures.
“Whose teeth are these anyway?” she as overheard saying, shaking her head from side to side.
“She’s a little confused, said daughter Boreal Heathrowe-McQuirke. “When it comes to family or remembering to feed her piranhas, she’s falling off a bit.” – Alfalfa Romero

ISIS Pine Beetle Claim Dismissed in Denver

(Bug-Eyed Press – August 25, 2015)

Claims by Mideast militants that they are behind the pine beetle infestation in Western Colorado were written off by the governor’s office today as the plague goes on. Already more than a quarter of the states’ forests have been affected by the blight, the result of warm winter temperatures that allow the insects to proliferate and not freeze to death in the natural cycle.
Response by state agencies was quick and to the point.
“These ISIS bastards may have overrun a few goat camps but they haven’t the reach to nurture pine beetles much less deliver them in such great numbers that we have seen over the past three years,” said a gubernatorial extension release.
The spokesperson added that the beetle problem was not a problem in Denver since the smog kills them faster than they can multiply.
Meanwhile Western Slope malcontents continue to besiege the governor saying more should be done to control the beetle outbreak before it’s too late.
“Iraq and Syria used to be covered in pine forests before these ISIS sons-of-bitches got into the bug business,” stressed an unreliable source. “I am a retired tree surgeon who served in the Mideast and I know what I’m talking about when it comes to dates, tea and beetles.”
– Suzie Compost

Many high school seniors looking forward to retirement

(Waxed Academia Report – August 25, 2015)

(Gunnison, CO) More than 70% of high school seniors say they have retirement on the radar even though it would appear that most should be preparing for careers. These kids are reportedly pushing the envelope, already longing for the golden years.
Of 400 students interviewed, the majority expressed frustration with opportunities in the workplace saying the benefits were not worth the price of decades of labor.
“What a waste of time working when I could be hunting or playing golf,” said one young man who claimed he could retire in about 50 years. “Why make career plans when leisure time is just right around the corner?” he asked.
Sociologists conclude that the phenomenon is short-lived. It is said to be a normal reaction to the cold cruel world often faced between the teen years and earned departure from the daily grind.

FOX News Indicted for Artificial Dissemination

The Supreme Quart today handed down a series of indictments against FOX News claiming that the entity misrepresented reality and misappropriated public trust in a series of broadcasts from 2010 – 2015.
In what the ruling body called “artificial dissemination of concocted facts Fox has acted irresponsibly and criminally in attempts to convince its American television audience that corporate power is the only protection against a host of boogey men and terrorists out to get them.
According to the high quart: “FOX has pillaged the truth and manipulated its newscasts so as to create an illusion of fear and distrust in this country by communicating only misapprehension and falsehoods to further its economic and political goals.”
“These seriously twisted talking heads, even the ones with the perfect hairstyles, have convinced the middle class that it is the poor (and not the global corporations) who are to blame for their daily struggles,” said the indictment. The repetitive and methodic allocation of media manipulation and data pandering has created chronic polarization and xenophobia that threatens basic freedoms and renders viewers far less informed (dumber) than they were this morning. – Phil E. Buster

Celebrating 200 Years of Colonialism

Celebrating 200 Years of Colonialism

Fun, Simple Home Experiments

Now even you can create cool chemical reactions right there in the kitchen, the galley or the killing floor. Our professional and cosmic research teams will guide you step by step without many punitive measures or long-lasting emotional damage. Let’s get started.

Goals: We want to make predictions, design and modify our test results to suit the current research market. Ready? Let’s eat!

Postulate: Potatoes can undergo both molecular changes and levels of resistance to pressure. The hard or soft quality of the vegetable will often depend on such outside factors as heat, age, crushing apparatus, hurls and descents from tall structures.

Web page accepts no responsibility for personal injury nor does the participating potato.

You will need: One raw potato of medium size, enough tin foil to wrap potato securely, olive oil for exterior, butter and spices for the interior. Implements include sharp knife, fork for mashing, butter knife and hot pad for retrieval from the oven. Average cooking temperatures can vary (see size of chosen potato section) but a safe temperature is about 400 degrees F.

Hot pads should always be employed for every facet of this experiment!

Part I Choosing the right potato
Although this may seem trying, trite or even tedious the amateur scientist must follow protocol in selecting the correct spud. It should possess non-offensive odor, brown skin (red can be substituted here), minimum blemishes and the stamina to survive the wonders of science.
Now that you have picked the stimulus we must give some consideration of the necessity of indoor cooking this time of the year. The light sensitivity in the preparation parlor should always be consistent with the autumn shadows to avoid minor, yet destructive detonations wherein the potato becomes the aggressive projectile and can do great harm to cooks and bystanders. Some people have trouble manipulating the massed artificial light and risk poking themselves during the Pricking Applications.

Part II The Pricks are essential
After washing the subject, the attentive culinary researcher will excitedly prick the potato with a sharp fork so as to allow some of the natural moisture to escape the spud. Examine the potatoes foreskin. Is it wrinkled or smooth? Thermodynamics demand these little pricks. Then the perforated potato must be placed on the center rack. Watch out that hard to detect starch molecules remain malleable throughout the early stages of probing and into the final meltdown phase.

Part III Sustaining the correct temperature
When initial preparation begins, it is imperative to keep the potato hot. We have found that unheated potatoes are of no use in these tests. In fact, we have discovered that the temperature inside the potato causes the butter to melt more rapidly. The cold potato embodies the adverse affect.
Much of the recent academic investment in this arena has centered on why an unheated vegetable and a hunk of semi-frozen animal protein do not relate. They are incompatible when the nightshade tuber is cold but just watch when the butter is introduced into the mass of steaming spudmeat. It returns to its liquid state as the molecules get very, very excited*. The acceleration diminishes as the cold butter has its way with added condiments mixed together in the classic sand and salt action credited with bringing white people to the beach in ever burgeoning numbers during the summer.

Part IV The standing potato
Once the proper reaction has been created the potato is ready to be dressed and put to bed. While keeping the interior temperature as hot as possible, slice the potato cross ways and push from the bottom until it pops. Try to keep the butter on top for increased control. Quickly add butter, pepper and salt to taste. The extravagant might like bits of garlic while the traditionalist will insist on cayenne and rosemary. The maladjusted often enjoy a sprinkling of chives on the top.** Remember: The Baker is relatively healthy but one can discount that standard by adding sour cream, bacon bits, cheese and/or lard. Least we not forget: the potato has been a delicacy in most of the world since first being used in Peru back before the salsa rage. We have repeatedly observed fine diners picking at their lobster or prime rib in favor of savoring their perfectly baked spud. Further unaccountable stimuli common to diminished mass and premature hardening will be discussed in Political Science 400 next semester.

Now you have mastered this elusive and compelling transition from garden to dinner table. Please be careful when handling hot objects from the oven. When embracing “the old potato down the pants beach enticement trick” be sure to use a potato that has been kept at room temperature for at least twelve hours.

*Be aware: Butter may slide off knife especially when utensil has been heated by contact with the potato. Macro eruptions of the magnitude that buried Pompeii are not covered under most flood insurance policies.

**The more seriously maladjusted might try this experiment with frozen fries or instant mashed potatoes risking serious blasts due to the high level of carbon dioxide and saltpeter contained in these chemical adaptations of food.

Thanks to our friends over at the Police State University lab for the use of their irrigation boots and goggles used to complete this experiment.

Los lugareños advirtieron: Recolectores de llegar esta semana

(Montrose Marble- 25 de agosto 2015)
Los líderes comunitarios advierten todos los ciudadanos aquí para ver sus pertenencias como multitudes desesperadas de recolectores están haciendo poco a poco su camino en el Valle Uncompahgre por su jugueteo estacional. Las cosas siempre parecen subir falta cuando estas turbas-langostas como miserables y persistentes proliferan.
Recolectores, el subgrupo socioeconómico extendida vinculado a los cazadores, como en los Cazadores Recolectores antropológicos y clasificación, se espera que descienda a Colorado occidental tan pronto como la próxima semana. División de Vida Silvestre y Servicios Sociales trabajadores están manteniendo un ojo firme sobre el contingente en mal estado, que por lo general se presenta en quiebra sólo con la ropa que llevaban puesta, en busca de sustancias, partes y piezas, materia para recoger o reunir.
“Los elementos de destino discutidos aquí son aún más refinado y definido como cualquier cosa que no esté bloqueado o atado”, dijo Charles escrúpulos de la Fundación troglodita. “Estos recolectores, aunque no evolucionado por completo a la tarea, se han desarrollado los dedos pegajosos largo de los siglos y son a menudo la voz alta, tipo agresivo.”
Scruples sugiere que los residentes y visitantes mantener un ojo en sus pertenencias, especialmente en las grandes multitudes, estiramientos desiertas y por la noche.
“El acaparamiento es una enfermedad, que no queremos ver curada por una bala”, espetó escrúpulos. “Nos gustaría hacerlo a través de esta difícil la migración sin incidentes”.
En 2014 tres recolectores resultaron heridos cuando se rebelaron en un jardín muy cuidado bien en busca de arveja china. El huerto, propiedad de Warren (Viejo) Pritchard de 33992200772344 carretera al oeste de la ciudad, había sido sondeado descuidadamente la noche antes de permitir tiempo para Pritchard armarse con perdigones para su posterior visita.
Funcionarios Región Zen han anunciado que su organización proporcionaría acampada libre y de agua potable en un intento de aislar y acordonar los recolectores de los visitantes corriente verano.
– Rufus Maxwell

Talking Baseball in Ecuador

Nobody gives a damn about baseball in Ecuador unless you are eating lunch at Café Hatuey.
A small marble staircase divided the plaza from the upstairs Cuban restaurant with its shady balcony and high ceiling fans. It was a perfect redoubt for a dining-alone gringo wandering the colonial streets. One could watch the entire plaza from up here.
The black bean soup experience would have been sufficient invitation.
The waiter, a handsome Cuban of 24 years, brought me a Havana Club and a menu. I asked for his recommendation. He nodded. There was a soccer game on the television. I asked him who was ahead.
“I don’t know,” he flinched. “I’m a baseball fan and it’s Opening Day up in America. Is that where you live?”
I told him that I lived in Western Colorado and that despite the six-hour drive I made it to several Rockies’ games over the course of the season.
“The Rockies, huh?” he said. “A streaky team, prone to injuries with questionable relief pitching and a strong fan base.”
“You’ve done your homework,” I acknowledged, apologizing for my limited baseball jargon in Spanish.
“Then let’s speak English,” he snapped saying he had learned my language from his old baseball coach named Adolfo Luque, who had enjoyed a brief career in the Big Leagues prior to the Revolution.
“The food came out and we shared a feast of past Cuban players who had excelled it to the Majors. Tony Taylor, Luis Tiant, Jose Canseco and Rafael Palmeiro accompanied my Fabada Asturiana (beef and bean stew), three tamales, a cup of black bean soup, plantains and fried yucca. Then he brought rhubarb pie and asked why a heated argument on the baseball field was called a rhubarb?
“I think it’s something like a catbird seat or the bull pen,” I said. “Most of those terms came straight from the lips of tobacco chewing bench jockeys waiting around for the next pitch. After a few seasons these words became the jargon on the diamond.”
He said one of the cooks had met Hank Aaron in Miami after the Braves’ slugger had broken Ruth’s home run record.
“All three of the cooks are baseball fans. Come and meet them!”
We walked into the kitchen and returned to speaking Spanish. I told the first cook that I too had met Aaron and that I had his autograph on the same score card with the signature of Pete Rose and Tony Perez.
“Perez was a great one,” offered the second cook who was patiently monitoring the progress of a large pot of pintos. “He was one of the great players to escape Cuba after Castro. “He came to the United States along with Tony Oliva, Camilo Pacscual and Bert Campaneris. The Cuban government was not happy about this heralded exit from its socialist paradise.”
“Castro was quite a pitcher too,” offered the third cook who wore a Yankees’ hat atop his baldhead. I saw him play in Santiago de Cuba while on the Las Barbas team where all the players wore a beard. He might have played pro ball except for politics. The Cleveland Indians were after him in the Fifties. He could hit too.”
But what about Minnie Minoso?” chided the waiter. “How can we talk Cuban baseball players and not mention Minnie?”
“And Sandy Amoros and Tito Fuentes and Cookie Rojas!” yelled the bean watcher from the corner of the kitchen.
“What about Jose Canseco, Rafael Palmeiro, and Orlando Pena,” chimed another cook.
“Don’t forget Leo Cardenas,” I said and the kitchen went silent.
“Wow,” said the waiter. You do know your baseball.”
“I grew up in Southern Ohio” I admitted, “and Cardenas played shortstop for the Reds for fifteen years.”
Now that I had the floor, I asked them if they thought Fidel Castro would have been a better baseball player than a President.
They all laughed,
“Fidel is Fidel,” one said. “The United States is the United States. Castro is eating well even if the rest of us on the island are not. So much for punishing the Communist Party with the Great Cuban Embargo.”
All of the cooks had family back in Cuba and they missed them very much but opportunity was better in Ecuador.
“If you didn’t go along with party ideas there was no future in Cuba,” frowned one.
“My daughter is a doctor in Havana and barely makes enough to survive, said another.
“My son is twelve,” offered the waiter. “He’s the best hitter ever to come out of Trinidad (Cuba). I hope some day that he can come to the United States and play for the New York Yankees. He stands proud at the plate and waits for that big, fat pitch.”
Everyone smiled and nodded in agreement.
The restaurant was filling up. The owner stuck his head in the kitchen and frowned at his employees then smiled at me since I was spending money. I returned to my table. The lights are coming on in the plaza. – Kevin Haley