Men still following great herds

(Special from The Saber-Tooth Follies – August 25, 2015)

(Cavetowne) Dressed in his best loincloth or leisure suit modern man has continued the tradition of following the great herds. Still uncomfortable with subsistence farming and cubicle tension he has sought more natural means of survival and social development.
“Just look how Homo erectus looks at a herd of elk,” says Doctor Fernham Josephine of Mao Clinic. “It is part longing and part logistic. He appreciates the grace and style of the wild animals but he still wants to bring it down and roast it over his fire. He wants to love the elk, but he also wants to eat dinner.
For millenniums we have watched primitive gangs of hunters track and subdue animals larger and more ferocious than they. They didn’t have assault rifles either. They had flimsy spears and a battle plan that must have brought a smile to the face of their prey.
“Whataya gonna due with the little Barbie spear, Mr. Caveman? Are you going to throw it at me or try to stick it in my side? Whoa! Are you going to all charge me at once? You’re like fleas or lice. I’m frightened. Wouldn’t it be a lot safer for everyone if you just picked up a tub of chicken or some tacos?
Often the ultimate impact intensity of a well-hurled spear would cause the caveman’s pants (animal skins) to fall down to his knees, leaving him the butt of dinosaur laughter. He was also at the mercy of the beasts in that his outfit was wrapped around his ankles, prohibiting a fast retreat.
In ancient times man, often in large groups, would secure meat, then take it back to the cave to barbecue it with friends and family. All would gnaw on the prize down to the bones that would be shared with mongrels and those too old or crippled to help with the taking on the animal. Some of the cavepersons would eat too much and become so chubby that they had to procure new animals hides.
Man has not evolved very far when it comes to primitive eating habits,” said Josephine. “He ate a healthy natural diet which, often lean and limited, gave him the strength to subdue the other animals. And he didn’t have somebody sneaking around behind him genetically modifying his corn and potatoes.” – Uncle Pahgre